http://soccernista.com Thu, 24 Jul 2008 05:15:54 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en Shhhh...don't speak...just enjoy. http://soccernista.com/2008/07/24/watch-your-step-indeed/ July 11 - 2008 Transfer rumors are so much better when sub-titled to scenes from Downfall. NSFW, if you have folks reading over your shoulder. http://soccernista.com/2008/07/11/unfriend-lampard-from-facebook/ July 10 - 2008 Via Unprofessional Foul and CNN: Referee Sergei Shmolik was helped off the field with back pain while officiating a Belarus league match, but later was shown to be drunk. And the next time anyone asks, "have you been drinking?" I'm definitely going with, "No, bad back." http://soccernista.com/2008/07/10/as-if-belarussians-are-ever-sober/ July 10 - 2008 Yep. Wayne wants it known that if you peel back his skin to reveal bone, you might find the following inscription: "Just Enough Education to Perform" Now, you might be thinking, "Hmmm. Somewhat clever." Until, of course, you realize that "just enough" is actually "none at ... http://soccernista.com/2008/07/10/sorry-coll/ July 5 - 2008 You pretty much get carte-blanche for celebrating a Euro victory, and far be it from me to tell the Spanish what to do with their scalped jerseys...BUT: there are probably more respectful ways of marking your territory than conga-lining the post-game interviews. Like peeing under the door ... http://soccernista.com/2008/07/05/was-ist-das/ July 3 - 2008 You might think it impossible be to shocked by the behavior of Joey Barton. "All the cigar-stubbing, pants dropping, and training ground-beating has pretty much sapped my ability to register surprise," you say. Well, feast your eyes on the recently released CCTV footage of Barton's infamous McDonald's ... http://soccernista.com/2008/07/03/stay-classy-joey-barton/ July 2 - 2008 Watching a Euro final from the ruralest of rural America can alert one to some fairly significant conlusions...a few of which might even be about football. A sampling: For all the talk of the lumbering German center-backs, was that really what undid Germany? How 'bout the ... http://soccernista.com/2008/07/02/conclusions/ June 28 - 2008 Well, he's locked up a profitable tournament - par, really, for the Czech man. To make things interesting, we're giving him a $20 mythical wager on the final (he now stands at $141.78). Let's see if he can close. 18-12: pretty damn good, if ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/29/lukey-the-czech-for-629/ June 29 - 2008 Today, I will awake to the smell of elk steaks and biscuits. I will roll out of the hide-a-bed and into the kitchen. The sounds of Good Morning America blaring from a 21-inch TV will greet me. I will successfully deny a morning whiskey shot. I ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/29/mourn-me/ June 25 - 2008 Lukey's Russia pick was one of the most inspired selections in recent memory, if not one of the most historically ironic - who backs their former invaders? Can you imagine Ivan the Pole getting behind Nazi Germany? Or "Wind In His Hair the Sioux" ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/25/lukey-the-czech-for-625/ June 24 - 2008 Little over a day out from the semis and my quarterfinal buzz still hasn't faded. Russia have stolen my heart, Germany and Spain have earned my respect, and Turkey have caused me to question the true nature of the cosmos. Honestly: Have you ever seen ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/24/thanksgiving/ I can never tell the difference between Carlos Puyol and Jay Reatard. Was it Puyol who punched out the dumb Canadian kid at his punk rock show in Montreal, and Reatard who choked out teammate Vicente Rodriguez in a training ground scuffle? Or was it the other way ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/23/separated-at-birth/ June 22 - 2008 Lukey's slowly gaining back his profits after the nightmare of 4 days ago. His mythical bankroll now stands at $134.08, and he's hoping to run up some good results going into the Euro break. His picks follow. 15-11 so far, and I'm blaming Turkey for ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/21/lukey-the-czech-for-621/ June 19 - 2008 Like no tournament I can remember, Euro 2008 is rewarding good soccer. Teams who play crisp, technical, forward thinking football are finding the back of the net and taking the spoils. Holland, Russia, Croatia and Spain( mostly), even Turkey - all have put forth moments of sheer ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/20/are-you-not-entertained/ June 19 - 2008 While you're stuck at work, Portugal will be battling Germany in what could be a very entertaining match. And if you're TiVoing it, you have until 3pm before that douchebag co-worker who doesn't even like soccer says "How 'bout that Portugal game!" and drops the score ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/19/pre-game-2/ June 19 - 2007 NOTE: Your editor forgot to hit the "publish" button on Lukey's picks yesterday. Here they are, and I suppose they demand a bit of faith in the Soccernista honor code. Rest assured: we would only lie about results if they involved actual money. Since ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/19/lukey-the-czech-for-618/ June 18 - 2008 In 2006, France had a slow start to their World Cup. In-fighting and swollen egos had the team on their heels throughout the first round, and only sheer luck allowed them to pass into the second. Slowly, they started to gel before a fantastic victory ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/18/french-drip/ June 17 - 2008 Italy hasn't looked their best, and this video might offer a clue as to why: these guys are drowning in ass. If half naked chicks are charging across a training ground to get to these guys, just think how bad amazing the onslaught must be in ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/17/focus-lads-focus/ June 16 - 2007 Out of all the low moments in Czech history - including, but not limited to, the time Jaroslav Mitirovsky's plow got stuck in a manure pit, or the day the National Laptop ran out of batteries - yesterday's defeat must rank at the top. Watching the ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/16/lukey-the-czech-for-616/ In pulling off what was certainly one of the most stunning comebacks of all time, Turkey avoided defeat, avoided potential first time ever group round penalties, clinched their place in the quarterfinals, broke the hearts of Czechs around the world, and took the excitement level of this tournament into the ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/16/one-for-the-ages/ As someone who has spent countless hours yelling at referees, from both the field and the couch, I am by no means an apologist for the men in black. That said, the amount of scrutiny and criticism referees have been facing recently is perhaps even more excessive than usual. Currently ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/14/time-for-instant-replay/ June 13 - 2008 Forgetting to set your DVR to record the Euro matches is like spending a lifetime with sight before suddenly going blind. I mean, if it were up to me, I'd rather be born blind, than go blind. Because, what would you be missing? In other words, ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/13/free-beer/ June 12 - 2007 I like to poke fun at the Czech man, but the simple truth is this: the guys know how to make money on soccer...which he can then wire to Prague to perpetuate human trafficking schemes involving large breasted Czech women. Lukey is off to a roaring ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/12/lukey-the-czech-for-612/ June 12 - 2008 The provenance of this video is unclear. These guys are definitely Italian, but one or more of them seems to have learned to yell at the TV from Englishmen. Is the video shot in Italy? England? New York? I don't know, but ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/12/off-a-side-a/ June 11 - 2008 Like the rain that fell throughout the match, and like the goals that trickled into the Russian net, the praise for Spain is being poured on thicker than a Julie Foudy thigh. Whether it was the actual performance or the sight of a wet Fernando Torres ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/11/the-rain-in-spain/ June 10 - 2008 Yesterday, the Oranje woke the tournament up with their trademark passing and liberal interpretation of the rules. Yes, van Nistelrooy's goal checks out, but the rule needs to be changed: how can a defensive player sitting off the field count towards an offside ruling, while an ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/10/oranjeboom/ Best match of the tournament thus far. Ruud obvioiusly offside on the first goal, but some classic total football from the Dutch led to two more lovely goals. Van Bronckhorst was a machine, and that was even after beating Big Brown in a pre-match race! Brilliant. Italy looked unusually out ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/10/holland-vs-italy/ June 8 - 2007 Lukey's favorites all came in over the weekend, pushing his bankroll to a respectable $117.75. And what did Lukey do with the extra cash? He paid for a professional photographer to come to his house and shoot a new head-shot. Oh, the vanity! So I'm off to a ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/09/339/ Some awards need to be handed out after those first two days: Scariest Moment When this young "lass" milked the bull. Moment that Gave Jim Rome a Semi Watching Alexander Frei's tears water the turf. Most Glaring Omission From Internet Coverage Despite my best efforts, I couldn't find any good pictures of this woman. Thus ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/09/weekend-awards/ June 9 - 2007 Before we get to the important stuff (like the particulars of Julie Foudy's lion-mane hairdo and increasingly chiseled features), let's look at the following favorites as you could have had them on Saturday morning: Czech Republic vs. Switzerland - Bet $66 to win $100 Croatia vs. Austria - Bet ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/09/of-favorites/ June 6 - 2008 Ahhh, there it is: a blazing red color scheme guaranteed to dazzle the senses and distract the intellect. Yes, we're hoping the shock of the red will dull your disappointment as I roll out the staff-list for Soccernista's Eurotrash 08 coverage. Here's the crack staff you'll ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/07/its-here/ June 5 - 2007 Oh brother. Get ready for 3 weeks of nonstop Czech-worship. We'll start him off with a $100 mythical bankroll and, assuming he doesn't blow it all at mythical Czech handjob houses, he should be able to turn a mythical profit. Good luck, Lukey! Opening ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/07/lukey-the-czech-for-66-and-67/ June 5 - 2008 The opening to this video slays me: the "Le Marseillaise" ring tone, Ribery bobbing his head, Luca Toni wearing his little sister's tshirt. It devolves into a Nike commercial, but there're still some gems - like when Toni heads it in off the crossbar exclaiming, "Technique!" I ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/06/group-of-death-hijinks/ June 5 - 2008 Unless you have a rooting interest, the Euros can sneak up on you. Some links to whet the appetite: The BBC's Euro trailer practically drips in Euro-snobbery. Mozart? Check. Monument porn? Check. Clever little Frenchy cartoons? Check. Why don't they just ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/06/putting-you-in-the-mood/ June 5 - 2008 Right now I'm easing into my Ikea couch, kicking up my feet (Prada sneakers, no socks), and lighting up a Benson and Hedges cigarette. I've got Fox Soccer Report on mute, and the Ibiza Mega Club Mix is blaring. Now if one of these toddlers ... http://soccernista.com/2008/06/05/eurotrash08/ Though our very own Lukey the Czech seemed to have his filthy, immigrant mitts all over the title, it was ripped from him at the death by the "Red Rockets." And so, the first ever Soccernista Celebrity Blogship title goes to a team named for a dog's penis. ... http://soccernista.com/2008/05/12/celebrity-blogship-has-its-champion/ October 3 - 2007 After full days of pretending to understand molecular genetics, mostly fulfilling obligations at work, and parenting the shit out of two kids, I'm finding it difficult to sit down and immerse myself in the world of fake soccer-journalism. I could give up the binge-drinking, but one ... http://soccernista.com/2007/10/03/loa/ September 24 - 2007 [youtube]WTYrisKGmds[/youtube] http://soccernista.com/2007/09/24/der-grossmeister/ September 20 - 2007 And just like that, the Premiership loses its villain. Those of you in blue may say "hero", but I believe, in time, you will come to see the Mourinho years as an exercise in profligacy, excess, and general silliness. In fact, one only need analyze ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/20/not-so-special/ September 19 - 2007 The release of FIFA'08 is around the corner and, like most years, I'm foregoing the excitement; for me, EA Sport's FIFA series plateaued with FIFA'96. Since then, the graphics have gotten better ("I can see a Nike sign!"), and the attention to detail has increased ("Look! ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/19/its-youre-in-the-game/ September 17 - 2007 From Sky Sports comes news of an Albanian man who, angered by his national team's loss to the Netherlands, set his fish delivery van on fire. Fair enough, but when firefighters arrived at the scene, they found their truck had been emptied of water by citizens ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/17/fish-fry/ September 14 - 2007 Lukey went 5 for 5 last weekend, but his chalk-eating caused him to slip to a total return of negative $33.17 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers). I'm sure you may be tempted to jump ship, but know this: we're talking about a man ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/15/lukey-the-czech-for-91507/ September 14 - 2007 It's taken weeks to get back on this train. Fulham's loss to Newcastle United left a sour taste in my mouth and, truth be told, I considered wrapping up the project and giving Fulham the title outright. Oh well, I've made my bed - now ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/14/first-round-west-ham-vs-manuntd/ September 12 - 2007 The women's world cup is off and running! Yesterday's match between the US and North Korea was a fascinating battle with all the raw talent and athleticism you'd expect from a world class tourna...ah, who am I kidding? Like I give a shit. And before you ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/12/us-north-korea-tie-2-2/ September 8 - 2007 The Czech Football Association have named the going rate for a Nazi salute: $4948. And since video evidence reveals Sparta Prague's Pavel Horvath rattled off two rounds back-to-back... [youtube]OoCfjlCHh8s[/youtube] ...his total comes to $9896. Prosecution of the fine was not taken lightly; the CFA employed the services of ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/08/di-canio-eat-your-heart-out/ September 6 - 2007 With Beckham's perfectly sculpted ass riding the pine, and your inner thirteen-year-old-girl crying softly because of it, it's time to revisit a popular theme here at Soccernista: what can be done that might actually convince me to attend an MLS match? I want to go. Or rather, ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/06/thinking-outside-the-six-yard-box/ August 31 - 2007 Lukey the Czech went five for five last weekend, but the "juice" can be a cruel mistress; he now sits $27.45 in the hole. It's uncharted territory for the Czech-man, and I can only imagine pilsner and cigar futures are on the rocks. Fear not: he called ... http://soccernista.com/2007/09/01/lukey-the-czech-for-9107/ August 31 - 2007 My appologies for the lack of hot, journalistic action of late; the output will be picking up shortly. In lieu of an appology I'll offer you this: Max Bretos doing the Haka. I challenge you to find a bigger moron with so large a forum ... http://soccernista.com/2007/08/31/sorry-maori/ August 29 - 2007 Last week, I could have given you a host of reasons why I hate visiting my in-laws in Idaho. Funny, though, how they all seem so trivial now that "Dad" sprung for the cable upgrade. Watching Premier League matches in Idaho is a surreal experience. Midway ... http://soccernista.com/2007/08/29/my-own-private-idaho/ August 24 - 2007 Rob Styles didn't just cost Liverpool 2 points, he kept Lukey from a profitable weekend. And from what I know about Czech immigrants, they don't take it lightly when you stand in the way of their American dream. Beware of any strychnine laced Czechvar, Robbie. Lukey ... http://soccernista.com/2007/08/24/lukey-the-czech-for-82407/