I follow English football pretty closely, but I had to go to Wikipedia to learn about the Unibond Premier League:

The Northern Premier League, known in recent years as the UniBond League under a title sponsorship contract, is one of the regional English football leagues which sits directly below the Football Conference. Due to restructuring, from 2005 onwards its champions have been promoted to the Conference North division rather than the Conference National as was previously the case.

So at one league below Conference National, that would make the NPL…uh…6 steps below the Premiership.Â

Surely that’s a long row to hoe, but by increasing league revenue, teams can make the jump to Conference North with an improved chance of survival. And what better way to raise revenue than a transvestite sturdily built woman in bra and panties directing you to the league’s website? (Probably NSFW…but no more offensive than the love-child of Tootsie and When Harry Met Sally.)

Good God.  I can’t see proud clubs like Frickley Athletic, Leek Town, and Sheepshed Dynamo signing off on such a thing. But then again, Premiership riches beckon.

Note:Â Apparently Wigan Athletic won the NPL in ‘74-’75…so there’s that.Â

When Roy Keane took the job at Sunderland, it had all the makings of a tragicomedy. Worst team in Premiership history? Check. Unstable Irishman with no managerial experience? Check. Orgy sex-tape scandal? Check, check, and check.

This weekend, however, Sunderland have a chance to hit the very top of the Championship table, and the Keane experiment is looking more and more like an unmitigated success. I, for one, am backing Sunderland to make the jump. This prediction is made sight unseen; I couldn’t pick a single ‘06-07 Sunderland player out of a two person crowd. They could be Leeds for all I know. But feast your eyes on this old clip, and tell me this man couldn’t frighten any collection of yahoos back into the top-flight from whence they came.

I’m glad he toned it down for the mom and her Gooner kid.

Michel Platini will reportedly look to the EU for assistance in curbing Europe’s hooligan problem. My advice? Use the negative energy of your would-be assailant, and turn it into a positive force for your own self-defense.

Type “Harry Redknapp” into the youtube search engine and you can entertain yourself for hours. This one’s not new, but it’s certainly one of the best. So classic.

By now you’ve probably heard about the brawl riot that broke out in the middle of a friendly between the Chinese Olympic Team and Queens Park Rangers reserves. The video is everything it promised to be, chock full of ninja kicks, body slams, and a white guy running away.

John Terry is healthy again. Which means he’s back in training. Which means he might be filming a teammate giving himself a wedgy. Right now.

I tried playing EA Sports FIFA Manager ‘06, but it lessened my quality of life. The game was so exhaustive in its detail and realism that I found myself projecting real-life issues with clubs and players onto the game. In turn, this contributed to a feedback effect on Saturdays. Soon I couldn’t remember if I was screaming at the television because of what was going on in the game or because of what I had experienced earlier in front of the computer. Viscous cycle, man.

Thankfully, I never reached the critical point below. But if I could think of one group that could do it, it’d be Bradford City and Dean Windass.

We’ve documented our early suspicions regarding South Africa’s ability to host a World Cup, and though it may be unfair, you can add the following troublesome national characteristic to the list: freak wind events which hurl signage at players.

Thanks to Deadspin and Stephen Hawkings Football Boots for the find.

With the popularity of “addiction to pain killers explained away as exhaustion” fading, and “adopted Iraqi child” still a few months off, “Premiership squad to support” is the must-have celebrity accessory of the moment. Renee Zelwegger and Chelsea…Spike Lee and the Arsenal…Bill Simmons and Spurs…the list goes on.

What celebrity, though, could handle the life-beating doled out regularly by Everton? You guessed it:

And yes, Everton have an Adrienne to complete the set: Adrian “Inchy” Heath.