My all-time favorite Argentine (ahead of Juan “you hurt my mom’s feelings so I’m taking my ball and going home” Riquelme), Diego “Jabba” Maradona, has been hospitalized for eating, drinking, smoking and Bush-bashing non-stop. Get well soon commie buddy.

Them’s fightin words! Bolton’s Henrik Pedersen calls out his manager and looks forward to spending a lifetime of praying he doesn’t see Big Sam on the street, or in a bar, or…

Totti babbles about zoos after a perceived slight by Sir Alex. He and Mourinho can cry me a river. Mourinho complaining about lack of funds?? Fortunately, the G man has already covered this so I don’t need to make any snide remarks about the atrophy of M’s coaching abilities.

Our boy Dimi gets photoshopped, with mildly amusing results.

Nista fav Jimmy Bullard: “My missus goes bonkers sometimes when I come back stinking of fish,” Bullard said. “She gets the hump when I wake her up at half past 6 in the morning, then bring my maggots in and the car’s muddy. But she’s all right really.”

The Sun is staging a battle of the WAGs, and week 1 is Mrs. Bex v. Mrs. Cole, so be sure to check out the former’s ridiculous ice and the latter’s ridiculous thigh tat.

And lastly:

Timmy Howard
F**k Off
He plays in our net
F**k Off
Timmy Howard
F**k Off
He’s got Tourette’s

Update:
If anyone watched the ManU – Roma match yesterday, what’s the deal with Cassetti, he was number 77! Never seen a number that high before…

Bolton Wanderers have installed a prayer room at The Reebok Stadium for players, coaches, and fans. We give it ’til the end of the week before a drunk Geordie pisses in the corner.

“Not many clubs – and probably not many fans or players – worry much about their carbon footprint, but they should.” David James is blogging about the environment. Seriously.

Free at last! Bellars walks as judge finds discrepancies in victims’ stories.

The WAG lineup for ITV’s boutique reality show has been announced, and so has the following: Bobby Zamora has a 6 foot wide photograph of his girlfriend’s rack.

The Bush twins test the patience of their Secret Service handlers by attending a Boca Juniors match. Hey, aren’t they away fans?

George Best may be gone, but his genes keep on scoring.

Testimony continues in the Craig Bellamy trial. Police say Bellamy was a prick during questioning and accused the officers of being “jealous.” The victims, meanwhile, had been kicked out of the VIP room twice before Bellamy applied the alleged chokehold. Good times!

A mega-casino with attached stadium and football-themed hotel? Throw in some crab legs and peelers and we have ourselves a deal.

Joe Cole’s bachelor party hits the peelers, and stumbles away with a $30,000 tab.

Ladbrokes posts lower profits in October because of a lack of upsets. Are they worried? No, because they know you’re nursing a low-grade gambling addiction.

Jose Mourinho wants to know why the Bridge is so quiet. We’ll tell you why: high ticket prices, prawns, and fans like these.

The Freddy Adu-Manchester United link from an English perspective: actual trial or mere marketing strategy?

Our favorite aspect of this tryout is that, included with your fee, you get two tickets to opening day…ostensibly to watch yourself play. This should, but won’t, deter nearly 1000 people who don’t know they’re crap from showing up.

Henceforth, Charlotte, NC, will be referred to as “Little Croatia.”

The Colorado Rapids have sold the naming rights to their new stadium; the house that Mastroeni built could not be receiving a more appropriate name.

An enjoyable Alexi Lalas profile from the BBC. Why the BBC is profiling Alexi Lalas is beyond us, but there it is.

Apparently, the “youth movement” promised by the MLS never materialized: most of the league’s top performers were 20 years old at the founding of the league.

For all their good qualities, Germans have established a pattern of suspect decision making in regards to hero worship. Moritz Volz is doing nothing to change this perception.

You should get a discount when using these bills for drinking, gambling, or cigarettes.

If you can put up with sentences like “We were, however, strangers getting to know each other through our shared experience, and it is somewhere within those shared words that a nascent muse embeds within, creating something much more important to me than that of the definition of the transcription,” then you might enjoy this interview with SI’s Grant Wahl (courtesy jobicoppola).

Serb fans of the first division club Borac dress up in KKK outfits, chant Nazi slogans, and generally harass a black player…who happens to play for Borac.

Twin girls who perform under the name TWIN (go figure) are arrested after swearing at Barnsley fans during a halftime performance. When you consider they were singing a cover of Slade’s “Come on Feel the Noise,” we feel 10-15 years is none too harsh.

If you’re among the population who found Giorgio Chinaglia’s World Cup halftime shtick intolerable, then you’ll be happy to hear the following: he’s wanted on suspicion of stock improprieties. Apparently, the old coot was trying to drive up the value of Lazio shares by touting a false takeover.

As the MLS playoffs approach, fans can’t wait…to tear the league a new one.

Because of our views regarding reality TV, we would normally dismiss this idea without a second thought. Doing so, however, would contradict our views regarding chances to see Carly Zucker in her underwear. We are at an impass.

A German publication would like to see English terms like “der topscorer” taken out of the domestic game. What will they use instead? The traditional, and much more efficient, “torschuetzenkoenig.”

German airline Lufthansa will be enforcing new rules regarding liquids on planes. Note: This will affect Michael Ballack’s piss.

European jockeys will be participating in a charity football match…and if you don’t think that will be a source of humor, check out this picture.

Apparently there are other idiotic, fictional twin characters that look like spiky haired foxes, and the Euro 2008 mascots could find themselves in court because of it.

Newser favorite, Paul Gascoigne, pens a surprisingly thoughtful piece on Wayne Rooney’s slump. In it, he reveals a desire to (no joke) “cuddle” the England striker.

2010: World Cup to take place in South Africa. 2011: Field day for hijackers and robbers to take place in South Africa.

“Like nations do at the World Cup, I think it would be tight if each state put together a team to represent them to see who holdin it down.” So begins Clint Dempsey’s exploration of what would happen if “the realest state in the U.S. Texas” took on various other locales.

Brad Pitt Wants a Footy Team, and he’s not afraid to adopt other people’s children to get one. 10 bucks he hands the captain’s band to his biological.

Whereas Paul Scholes calling the referee a “poof” seemed only mildly inappropriate, this Rio Ferdinand radio gaff seems a bit more serious. Who knew ManU was a hotbed for homophobia? Oh, yeah, probably everyone.

Back story: The WAGS shopped and glammed their way through the World Cup. Jamelia, a pop-star and girlfriend of Everton’s Darren Byfield, led the WAG backlash when she branded them “leeches.” Now, Stevie G’s fiance is fighting back. Incidentally, “You’re lower than a non-league player” is my new favorite insult.

Having won Honda Player of the Year, “Deuce” is working hard to wrap up the Kawasaki Violent SOB of the Year.