“If I were to declare a rooting interest in the Euros, it would probably be Sweden. My heritage, you see, is mostly Swedish. But the truth is this: I’m too embarrassed that, if I root for Sweden, someone will speak Swedish to me. Or they’ll ask what town in Sweden my great-grandparents were from. Or they’ll ask when was the last time I visited Sweden. To all of these I can only reply, “I like the pancakes.” And so, until my true native country of White-Trashistan qualifies for the Euros, I’ll remain a closeted Swedish fan.”