June 28 - 2008

Well, he’s locked up a profitable tournament - par, really, for the Czech man. To make things interesting, we’re giving him a $20 mythical wager on the final (he now stands at $141.78). Let’s see if he can close.

18-12: pretty damn good, if I do say myself! Should be an entertaining final, and I’m still pondering my pick as I write this. By the way, I watched Portland play Carolina in a USL matchup on Friday. Has anyone watched one of these games lately?? Well, it’s quite fast, out of control, and a strange mix of some really good players and some really bad ones. But the most interesting aspect of the game was when one of the announcers compared a relationship between two of the Portland players to that of Podolski and Schweinsteiger. WHAT? That guy do crack before the game?? Onwards….

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June 29 - 2008

Today, I will awake to the smell of elk steaks and biscuits. I will roll out of the hide-a-bed and into the kitchen. The sounds of Good Morning America blaring from a 21-inch TV will greet me. I will successfully deny a morning whiskey shot. I will attempt to deny, then be forced to accept, a Red Eye - half tomato juice, half beer. I will suck it down dutifully, wincing with every salty sip. Elk, biscuit, Red Eye…Elk, biscuit, Red Eye…

A pre-Eurofinal ritual? Nope. I won’t even see the game. I’m on family “vacation,” visiting the in-laws in a small logging town in the mountains of Oregon. “Sweet Home,” they call it. “Football-less prison of cultural dystopia,” I call it.

Not all is lost, however - an uncle with TiVo is recording the match while I’m fishing with “step-dad” (and by “fishing” I mean drinking heavily while pretending to listen to theories on lure choice and water temperature). With luck, I’ll be watching kick-off about the time fish guts are being mixed into “Nana’s” rose garden with a rototiller. Soon after, I hope to learn the answer to some pressing questions:

• Is Cesc Fabregas a more than adequate replacement for David Villa? If yes, and he steers the Spanish ship into the winner’s circle, does that make him the second best player in the world? It sounds a bit audacious, but I invite you to recall his abbreviated performances in this tournament and come up with another choice.
• Or is Michael Ballack the second best player in the world? He does nothing to pull the strings of my heart, but he is in top form. A performance tomorrow could cement his status as an all-time German great.
• Is Lukas Podolski a true flanker, or an out of position striker? One more good performance changes his position forever, and massively increases his transfer value.
• Is Marcos Senna the most underrated player in the tournament? That one is already a yes, but it’s always nice seeing opinions validated.
• Can I make it through ten minutes tomorrow without being called “soccer fag,” a “soccer pussy,” or a “gay soccer pussy?” Probably not. And definitely not considering my impending decision to wear a v-neck t-shirt and straw fedora on the fishing trip.

Enjoy tomorrow, folks - it should be a treat. The football, that is.

Update: Looks like Ballack won’t go. Sorry, immortality.

Update, Update:  Ballack did go…nowhere.  Nice cut, though.

June 25 - 2008

Lukey’s Russia pick was one of the most inspired selections in recent memory, if not one of the most historically ironic - who backs their former invaders? Can you imagine Ivan the Pole getting behind Nazi Germany? Or “Wind In His Hair the Sioux” placing bets on the US? Hard choices, my friends.

Those hard choices, though, have Lukey living in Profitsville: $147.58 to be exact. Let’s see what he has in the way of semi-final action.

Last time I Czeched, I was 17-11. I’m still baffled by Turkey and how they have survived this long, and yes, the Czech loss still stings. Frankly, I just can’t endorse Turkey against the Germans. Am I really to bet on a team coached by a dude that looks like a used camel salesman? I think not.

Really, it’s been quite a miracle that they have survived this long, and although I admire their fight it ends here. The Germans were great against Portugal, attacking football by the team that everyone considers so “efficient and robotic”. No more Turkish luck here, it’s nothing but brats and Becks from here on out….Achtung: Germans win!!!

Wow, how good were the Russians; what a pleasure to watch! By the way, my second experience of soccer in Chicago was great - never thought I’d be cheering on the Russians but there I was, going nuts as I watched Arshavin take apart the Dutch, as predicted. I really think Holland were a bit overrated and so it’s difficult for me to tell how good Russia really are. The biggest mistake you can make in betting is to let your emotions have a part in your decision making - not going to happen folks. Russia are young, fit, gifted, and attack with reckless abandon. And did I mention they have arguably the best player in the tournament? I’m on Russia again…Russia win…RU-SI-A, RU-SI-A, RU-SI-A!!!!

June 24 - 2008

Little over a day out from the semis and my quarterfinal buzz still hasn’t faded. Russia have stolen my heart, Germany and Spain have earned my respect, and Turkey have caused me to question the true nature of the cosmos. Honestly: Have you ever seen anything like their comeback against Croatia? I haven’t.

I know nothing of Turkey. I know nothing of Turks. And whereas I usually rely on ethnic stereotyping to explain success (”Those Germans - so efficient!”), in the Turk’s case I’ve got nothing.

Therefore, we might have to come up with some actual reasons why Turkey are able to continually fashion improbable victories from certain defeat. If you will:

• They know they are bad. As a result, they seem totally prepared to weather long stretches of the game in which the ball rarely leaves their own penalty area, let alone their own half. They don’t fray at the edges under the pounding, and they don’t turn on each other - they just take the abuse. Once the other team lets up, Turkey don’t even need time to regroup; they transition seamlessly from poundee to pounder.
• They hit the ball on target. From what I can gather, Turkish children split their time equally between prayer and finishing drills. I’d be surprised if there were another team at Euro 2008 with a higher proportion of shots on goal. When they get chances, they make good.
• They are fit. You can’t produce last minute heroics without legs under you. In every match, Turkey seem as lively in the final moments, if not livelier, than they do in the first moments of the match. In the Czech Republic game, the Turks literally looked like they could go another hour, while the Czechs were over it after 80 minutes.
• They are desperate. All but twelve of Turkey’s players are now injured, suspended, or both. The result is an “all hands on deck” mentality that places the survival of the team above all else. Just fielding a team is an exercise in courage.
• They pursue the ball. Sorry. Couldn’t resist.
• They don’t quit. Painfully fucking obvious, I know, but Turkey really do believe that the game should be played to the final whistle. Watch the replays of the Croatian goal celebrations: those guys won, the game was over, and they knew it. Luka Modric was elated, collapsed to the ground, and started thinking about the semis where they would face a team they had already beaten. Slaven Bilic was ready to do some drugs and bang some metal groupies. Croatia was in the dressing room. Turkey? They were looking to get the ball forward. And score.
• Their coach, though needing to fasten a button or two, has his players ears. Scorer of two game-winners now, supersub Semih Senturk said of coach Fatih Terim, “Our coach treats every player like he is their father…When he comes to me he says ‘just play football, I know your talents’. He is the best coach I have ever worked with.” That level of respect can squeeze every last drop out of a performance.

That’s a start. And while I don’t have any stereotypes to fall back on, I do have wikipedia: it says that Turkey have been fighting with Greece for over 1000 years. Apparently the national hatred runs deep enough to cause Turks to, even today, youtube low production value hate-videos with atrocious spelling and Smurf-techno scores. Maybe it’s hatred for the Greeks that gives the Turks that extra push against their opponents. Regardless, it’s been a fun ride, but I’m betting the machine like, scat-porn loving Germans end this Turkish fairytale.

I can never tell the difference between Carlos Puyol and Jay Reatard. Was it Puyol who punched out the dumb Canadian kid at his punk rock show in Montreal, and Reatard who choked out teammate Vicente Rodriguez in a training ground scuffle? Or was it the other way around?

Consider this an open thread to celebrate the fact that Luca Toni will no longer be featured in this tournament…

June 22 - 2008

Lukey’s slowly gaining back his profits after the nightmare of 4 days ago.  His mythical bankroll now stands at $134.08, and he’s hoping to run up some good results going into the Euro break.  His picks follow.

15-11 so far, and I’m blaming Turkey for not having a better record!

Two things happened to me yesterday that blew my mind. First, Turkey somehow won again - what’s with these guys? Croatia dominates, scores, blows a 1 goal lead and then proceeds to miss two penals. And not just miss, they missed the f’ing goal; are you kidding me? When is the last time you watched a penal shootout and two guys completely missed the goal - unreal!

Second, I’m in Chicago and had to go to a bar to watch the game; EVERY TV in the place has the cubs/white sox game on - every single one. I had to get the bar-lady to change the channel on one TV in the corner of the bar to the game. I understand the cubs/white sox game (these teams play 161 games a year, who cares if you miss one) rivalry but my understanding of Chicago is as an international city…yah right…soccer fans, my ass! I could have just as well gone down to my local “kokamo joes” in Phoenix and watched the game. I’m giving it another chance tomorrow for the Holland - Russia game, I’m heading downtown to an Irish pub and I expect a better audience.

Speaking of, this match-up brings together two of the more entertaining teams in the tourney. I’m thinking this is going to be a wide open display of complete football, with not much defending. The Dutch have looked most impressive and Russia look not far behind. Somehow, I feel like I should pick Holland but for some reason Russia are calling, maybe I feel like they are closer to my homeland?? (Editor’s note: Or maybe you were too young to remember how they invaded and subjugated your peoples.) Holland really don’t defend, and leave it to a Dutch coach to upset the Dutch…I’m on Hiddink and the Ruskies.

On paper, Sunday’s match should be fantastic. But, no Pirlo, no Gattuso, and already missing their two star centerbacks will prove costly for Italy. You can’t possibly pick a team that is missing the “spine” of their lineup. Spain haven’t beaten Italy in “competitive” match since 1920 (holy shit, it’s true!) but on Sunday they break that streak. I’m on Torres and the Spanish Armada…enjoy!

Holland vs Russia

Italy vs Spain

June 19 - 2008

Like no tournament I can remember, Euro 2008 is rewarding good soccer. Teams who play crisp, technical, forward thinking football are finding the back of the net and taking the spoils.

Holland, Russia, Croatia and Spain( mostly), even Turkey - all have put forth moments of sheer footballing genius, and all have been rewarded with a spot in the quarterfinals.

Today’s match was a certain candidate for cynical football: the massive Germans against a handful of massively skillful Portuguese. I thought for sure Germany would confine the game to the midfield and hope for one set-play to be lauched into the box for one of their giant centerbacks to bungle in. Yet there was Podolski streaking down the flank after some fantastic combination play, delivering a perfectly weighted pass to the onrushing Schweinsteiger. It would have been the goal of the tournament, if Netherlands and Russia weren’t in the tournament.

As for the Portuguese: I am always befuddled by people’s fascination with this team. Is it because they are the closest thing to Brazil that Rob Stone and various other know-nothings grasp at the Portuguese straw? They will never win a final.

We’ll see if the cream goes sour, but you’d be hard pressed to dig up someone crusty enough not to have been entertained by the past week’s goings on. Jim Rome, maybe.

June 19 - 2008

While you’re stuck at work, Portugal will be battling Germany in what could be a very entertaining match. And if you’re TiVoing it, you have until 3pm before that douchebag co-worker who doesn’t even like soccer says “How ’bout that Portugal game!” and drops the score on you.

Oh well. Here are some videos to get your mind off it:

• The ITV crew squeezes every last pun from this Van der Faart clip, so I’ll just let them do their thing.
• West Brom holds a skill-off, with fairly pedestrian results…until Joss Labadie simulates giving birth in stirrups.
• The Coke spots running abroad during the Euros tap into, apparently, the deep-seated fears of men. Most involve gayness, bodily harm, or some combination of the two. Plus they’re terrible. Really though: where’s the pregnant girlfriend?

June 19 - 2007

NOTE: Your editor forgot to hit the “publish” button on Lukey’s picks yesterday.  Here they are, and I suppose they demand a bit of faith in the Soccernista honor code.  Rest assured: we would only lie about results if they involved actual money.  Since it’s just a mythical bankroll (now at $129.38) we wouldn’t bother.  Lukey’s picks for today and yesterday are below.

After a disastorous weekend on all fronts, I’ve recovered quite well over the last two days, gonig 3-1 and bringing my overall total to 13-9. With Greece having nothing left to play for and Spain already assured a spot in the quarters this might just be a yawner…I’m tempted to call this a tie but I think Greece blow, so Spain win!

I like the way Russia play, and because they have to win while Sweden only needs to tie I think they come out with the right mindset and win this game. Sweden is old, and will play like it (especially late in the game). Russia win and go through.

The first of the quarters should prove to be very entertaining. I like Germany but they seem to be lacking just a bit in the back and that’s not good news when going up against the likes of Ronaldo and company. It’s going to be very entertaining but I think Portugal are too much in attack for the German defense; Portugal go through.

Turkey is lucky to find themselves here and they do so without their number one goalkeeper. Croatia have looked good on both sides of the ball and they continue here…Croatia win - fuck off Turkey!

Russia vs. Sweden
Greece vs. Spain

Quarterfinals:

Portugal vs. Germany

Croatia vs. Turkey

June 18 - 2008

In 2006, France had a slow start to their World Cup. In-fighting and swollen egos had the team on their heels throughout the first round, and only sheer luck allowed them to pass into the second. Slowly, they started to gel before a fantastic victory over Spain cauterized whatever wounds remained, propelling them into the finals. After the narrowest of losses, France were deserving runners-up.

Today, in 2008, we can comfortably say France have become a steaming pile of shite au poivre.

Excluding a random stretch of ten minutes in their match with Holland, France didn’t once play well at the Euros. At best they looked disorganized - on average they looked frail, bereft of ideas, and technically inept. Come to think of it, they looked like the US National Team.

We could pick through all the issues of age and ego, but it seems to me the blame can be placed at the feet of just two men:

• Raymond Domenech, the French coach, confirmed what an entire nation always suspected - he is mentally off. Astrologist, amateur dramatist and tactical naif, Domenech added absolutely nothing to France’s approach in any of the matches. Not only was there no change in the French approach over the course of the tournament, but there has been none since 2006, a period which saw two losses to Scotland (I use Italics in the hope you will read the word as if you were choking on a Willie Sagnol fart). But that doesn’t even begin to mine the depths of Domenech’s idiocy. How did he respond to the exit from Euro 2008? He proposed to his girlfriend. Immediately after the game. In a live interview. I’m sure that will smooth things over with a disappointed nation.
• Zinedine Zidane, though, owns even greater responsibility for the French disaster. How? He retired. He took his endless bag of tricks, beguiling creativity, and superb technique, and went home. He left a gaping hole in the French midfield, and an even larger one in the French footballing consciousness. At every turn in possession, the French players looked like they were searching out Zizou for a pass. “Where’s that guy we normally give it to before he gives it back to one of us in a way better spot?” they seemed to say. It wasn’t just that they played as though they needed him, they played as if he were still on the field. But he wasn’t. And playing with an imaginary Zidane is considerably worse than playing without one at all.

And so France must start over from scratch as a footballing nation. They will fire Domenech in a matter of weeks and then, if they’re smart, they won’t begin searching for the next Zidane. There won’t be one, and France will need to come to terms with that if they are to win a major competition in the next decade.