Not so Special

September 20 - 2007

And just like that, the Premiership loses its villain.  Those of you in blue may say “hero”, but I believe, in time, you will come to see the Mourinho years as an exercise in profligacy, excess, and general silliness.  In fact, one only need analyze the very words that sprang from that smug little man to see the error of his ways.

“Please don’t call me arrogant, but I’m European champion and I think I’m a special one.”  -Upon arriving at Stamford Bridge in 2004.

That’s not arrogance - that’s what the American Psychiatric Association calls “Narcissistic Personality Disorder.” Mourinho always strove to make it known that he would be responsible for Chelsea’s successes, an attitude too clever by half when one considers the purse-strings he was holding.

“I would love an Aston Martin but if you ask me £1m for an Aston Martin, I tell you, you are crazy because they cost £250,000.”  - On the increased valuation of players when Chelsea express an interest.

Jose’s right in that there has and will continue to be one price for Chelsea, and another for everyone else.  Why?  Because Aston Martins cost no more than $200,000 yet Jose would gladly pay $500,000 and only complain when the price rose to $2million.  The man had no concept of value because he had no budget; he only had a vague sense that he was getting screwed whenever he couldn’t have what he wanted.

“A brilliant reaction. I hate it when players just walk off.”
Following Arjen Robben’s sharp exit down the tunnel after being substituted against Aston Villa.

Ahh yes, the time-honored tradition of cleverly restating a clear negative as a positive.  All indications are that Chelsea players who don’t bask in the glory of first-team selection are ground up and fed to starters for breakfast.  Robben, like so many Blues teetering on the edge of favor, charged off the pitch because he knew full well the harsh realities of man-management under Mourinho.

“Young players are a little bit like melons. Only when you open and taste the melon are you 100% sure that the melon is good.”
On developing Chelsea’s young stars.

Or, rather, on not developing Chelsea’s young stars.  Mourinho’s whimsical quip is really a statement of philosophy: why develop talent when we can simply outspend everyone to acquire talent developed elsewhere?  When the Roman empire ends and the money dries up, Chelsea will be left with a youth-development system from the dark ages.

“It’s like having a blanket that is too small for the bed. You pull the blanket up to keep your chest warm and your feet stick out. I cannot buy a bigger blanket because the supermarket is closed. But the blanket is made of cashmere!”
On the injury ‘crisis’ at Chelsea in February.

“The style of how we play is very important. But it is omelettes and eggs. No eggs - no omelettes! It depends on the quality of the eggs. In the supermarket you have class one, two or class three eggs and some are more expensive than others and some give you better omelettes. So when the class one eggs are in Waitrose and you cannot go there, you have a problem.”
What turned out to be his parting shot to Roman Abramovich.

Mourinho did not manage his way to silverware, he bought it.  When injuries hit, as they do for every single club in the game, Mourinho used the moment to complain about his inability to spend, about the quality of his players, and about the overload of fixtures.  He never seemed to warm to the idea that a manager should manage rather than acquire.  Perhaps, though, he was right: my balls could have managed Chelsea ‘05 and ‘06 to titles.

“Wenger has a real problem with us and I think he is what you call in England a voyeur. He is someone who likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, have this big telescope to look into the homes of other people and see what is happening. Wenger must be one of them - and it is a sickness.”
Astonishing attack on Arsene Wenger.

And this is how I will remember him - a cruel little opportunist hiding behind a “poor” grasp of English, laying waste to anything that doesn’t immediately gratify his self-worth.  Some are saying they’ll be sorry to see a character like Jose go; I, for one, will be glad to see the English game rid of him.  I look forward to seeing what the Chelsea roster can do under the guidance of someone, anyone, who puts football before spending.  In fact, I tip Chelsea for a Champions League title next year. 

Of course, if Terry, Lampard, Drogba, Essien, and Cech transferred to Bolton, I’d tip them as well.  They’re the real Special Ones.