First round: West Ham vs Manchester United

September 14 – 2007

It’s taken weeks to get back on this train. Fulham’s loss to Newcastle United left a sour taste in my mouth and, truth be told, I considered wrapping up the project and giving Fulham the title outright. Oh well, I’ve made my bed – now it’s time to invite two more teams into it, make with the heavy petting, and choose a victorious lover. Note: Because teams make more than one appearance in this little tourney, I’ll only assess the two squads in so far as an obvious (for me) winner emerges.

The Case for West Ham: We meet again, my love; you look like hell. What’s that? You miss me? I miss you too…sometimes…like, when it rains…or when I’ve killed four tallboys of Speckled Hen…but mostly I’m enjoying the freedom of neutral Saturdays. What’s that? Of course we still have a chance. But let’s take this slow.

A look at the pros:

• New signee: Nole Solano. Silky smooth control and world class ball-striking just arrived in East London; break out the inflatable llamas!
• Kieron Dyer’s leg is broken. He’s a negative, the broken leg removed him, so the leg must be a positive. Simple math, people.
• I was always partial to the claret and blue, but this year’s Umbro spread takes the combo to new heights. Far and away the best Hammers’ jersey in years.

And some cons:

• Kieron Dyer. I hate that man, and can’t quite believe he and Bowyer will now have the chance to go a second round. Morons!
• Leading scorer? Matt Etherington. I’m assuming all his goals have been crosses that, instead of ending up in the bleachers, found their way into the net.
• Everyone is acting like the Tevez affair has been put to rest. Pardon me, but isn’t the guy on loan? This whole thing will be revisited in two years.
• Get a load of these guys.

The case for Manchester United: Do you root for the Yankees? Did you laugh inside when Old Yeller was put down? Do you have a soft-spot for big pharmaceutical companies? Do you secretly hope New Orleans doesn’t get rebuilt? Then you, my friend, could be a Manchester United fan.

The pros:

• Ummm…success? I admit – it would be nice to worry about how you’re going to carry the silverware home, rather than if you’ll still be in the league when you get there.
• Can 50 million supporters be wrong?
• For gorgeous football that actually leads to goals (I’m looking at you, Arsenal fans) look no further than Old Trafford.
• The guy with the McDonald’s bag.

Tough to beat McDonald’s-bag-guy. On to the cons:

• I’m a white, middle class American; do I really need more hegemony in my life?
• 8 points in 5 games.
• Nani looks like that small person Pedro Martinez carried around.
• Supporters were concerned the Glazers would restructure Manchester United finances to carry excess family debt. Who needs family debt when you can rack up $50million of red the old fashioned way?
• For all United’s evils, nothing compares to Gary Neville.

The Verdict:

Like all match-ups between West Ham and ManUntd, the Reds crush the Hammers in all objective aspects of footballing. Yet, as if by some greater power, West Ham finds a way to chink the armor of the unstoppable monolith. In my heart, the game-wnning goal is this one; Barthez’s arm in the air, and head up his ass. West Ham push into the second round, 1-0.