US, North Korea tie 2-2

September 12 – 2007

The women’s world cup is off and running! Yesterday’s match between the US and North Korea was a fascinating battle with all the raw talent and athleticism you’d expect from a world class tourna…ah, who am I kidding? Like I give a shit.

And before you get your panties in a wad: I happen to think women’s sports are great. It’s US women’s soccer I can’t stand. Why? Because it may be one of the most poorly managed national sports program in the history of the world.

Women’s soccer was essentially invented by the United States. While other countries were busy oppressing their women-folk with conservative sexual mores, institutionalized sexism, or mandatory burka-wearing, our girls were burning their non-sportsbras to the tune of Title IX. The head-start was massive. US women could lay claim to being the most successful international side, male or female, of the ’80s and ’90s.

And not just that: during that time, the US produced two of the greatest soccer players ever to walk the Earth in Michelle Akers and Mia Hamm. I remember watching Hamm play when she was a senior at North Carolina visiting the University of Portland. Seated behind the goal, I watched her make a darting run towards the top of the penalty area; a Carolina player had beaten a defender on the flank and whipped in a poorly hit but pacy cross. The ball was going to bounce about 5 yards in front of Hamm, and I remember thinking “There’s no way she’ll be able to bring this down.” She didn’t – she kept running at full speed, went horizontal, and crushed a side-volley that eventually hit the post. “I can not do that,” I thought, “but I find it intriguing and, strangely, arousing.”

Though there was nothing arousing about Akers, she was perhaps better than Hamm. After playing in a pick-up game with her, I was struck by her speed of play, her comfort over the ball, and her ability to find easy ways out of difficult situations. She played like a man, and that’s not in any way meant to be a slight on her imposing frame; it’s merely a blatantly sexist remark that speaks truth to her ability.

That both players were members of the FIFA 100 list of the greatest players of all time can only be seen as justice. That the US has failed to produce players near their caliber speaks to the stagnation of women’s soccer in this country. Who’s to blame? Well you can start with the knob-jockeys who coached the full team for a combined thirteen years – Anson Dorrance and Tony DiCicco. The former is some guy who looks like he lost his way from a used car dealership and ended up in the technical area, while the latter is a women’s goalkeeping coach. No, really, he is. Those two were happy to send our Title IXsters out to beat ass on the housewives and lesbian castaways of Europe, but did they ever send any message to America’s girls other than “run really fast, and I’ll meat meet you on the podium.”

Then there’s Adidas and Nike, who were only too happy to package women’s soccer and force feed it to every suburban man, woman, and child. They’re corporations, so they can’t be blamed, but US Soccer must be considered co-conspirators in the exploitation. Women’s shoes got cuter, but did the players wearing them get any better?

Looking at the current roster, you’d have to say no. Kristine Lilly’s longevity is a credit to mankind, but a discredit to the talent pool of US women’s soccer. There’s a reason why Alexi Lalas doesn’t still play for the USMNT, and you’d hope there’d be a reason why Lilly wouldn’t as well. Similarly, is Shannon Boxx still, after close to a decade, the best player we can field at her position?

The rest of the planet, meanwhile, has caught up. The US retain a number one ranking, but (as yesterday showed) all it really takes to knock them off is a solid HGH regimen and fear of execution. Germany, a team that used to be so outclassed by the Americans it made you wish Hitler were alive to see it, now looks to have the Americans by the balls, er, right where they want them.

In the end, it’s good for women around the world, but US Soccer must ask themselves how we lost our edge so quickly. They really did drop the ball. Oops.