My Own Private Idaho
August 29 - 2007
Last week, I could have given you a host of reasons why I hate visiting my in-laws in Idaho. Funny, though, how they all seem so trivial now that “Dad” sprung for the cable upgrade.
Watching Premier League matches in Idaho is a surreal experience. Midway through the first half of the Everton game, the uncles show up with “jerky” and Keystone Light. As I’m tearing into the jerky (delicious, by the way) one uncle informs me that I need to “watch out for bird-shot - it’ll bust yer molar right out.” My brain slowly registers that ”bird-shot” is the same as a shotgun bb, which leads me to the horrible conclusion that these bastards shot a cow with a shotgun. “Goose jerkey, you moron!” Oh. Obviously.
So there I am watching Arsenal inform ManCity they will probably finish closer to 8th than 4th, eating goose, drinking a beer that tastes like sparkling water left next to a beer, when it occurs to me: I could get used to this. Beer, jerky, and footie will rescue any situation. Give me those three things and rent me an apartment in Fallujah. See if I care.
I also learned three things about the perception of soccer in middle America:
- It is taken on faith that all participants are gay. Injured player: “Get up, ya’ queer!” Dissent: “What’s this homo bitchin’ about?” Second game of the day: “More of these fruitcakes? Ahh shit.”
- They want to know if soccer fans care about the arrival of Beckham, but couldn’t care less themselves.
- The Zidane headbutt remains, for them, soccer’s only redeeming quality. “These guys are pussies…hey, do you remember that dude that headbutted that guy in that one game? Bad. Ass.”
My in-laws are great - it’s my addiction to soccer that’s the problem. In the past, not watching those games enraged me and made the small things I find offensive (blind support for the war on terror, Chex Mix) seem bigger than they actually are. So Al, if you’re reading this, thanks for springing for the FSC; I think you’ll find me to be a better son now that coming to Idaho doesn’t mean missing matches. And though I disagree with your suggestion that the players “should be allowed to use their hands for the first 20 minutes of each half,” I appreciate the effort. Until next time: keep the beer cold and the goose-jerky vacuum packed.
The Zidane headbutt reminds me of that scene in ‘The Longest Yard’ where Burt Reynolds asks “Hey Pop, the time you hit Hazen in the mouth, was it worth 30 years?” and Pop goes “For me it was.”
Zidane got his money’s worth when he dropped Matterazzi.
Comment by joejoejoe — August 30, 2007 @ 12:42 am
I can only guess how the inlaws reacted to the Larry Craig story
Comment by Spectator — August 30, 2007 @ 1:37 pm
The Larry Craig comment was great.
I propose the following solution for those of us who have “uncles” (we all have those sorts of uncles in our lives, the types that think soccer is a sport for wimps) that moan about the game.
Suggest a trip to the park and bring both an American football and a soccerball. First, play tackle or flag football to two touchdowns. Get stuck in on a couple tackles, run a couple corner routes.
Next bring out the soccerball. Play a game to two goals. Get stuck in on a couple tackles. It will suprise them how much it hurts when you’re not able to anticipate the contact as much as you can in American football, and when you’re trying to control an object without using your hands. Play some throughballs to them and raise hell when they aren’t able to track the ball down. Nutmeg here, step-over there. Blast a couple shots by them and call them wimps for flinching. Ask them why they can’t talk, nevermind breathe.
Comment by Matt — August 30, 2007 @ 2:51 pm
sounds like what the uncles really want to watch is some Australian Rules Football or Gaelic Football.. your pop-in-law should shell out a bit more for setanta and he’ll be set.. they’re not gonna be calling those guys queer-ass pussies…
Comment by bob loblaw — August 30, 2007 @ 8:45 pm
[...] Sep 9, 2007 in Americans and Soccer, US National Team, Argument, Opinion I just finished watching the US national team lose to Brazil this afternoon. I think it was a great effort by the US team that was crushed by terrible officiating on the pitch. While I was watching the match it brought to mind a post I had recently read by garth on the soccernista blog. The post discusses his experience of trying to watch some Premiership football in the middle of Idaho. [...]
Pingback by The lame excuses for hating soccer. « Soccer, Futbol, Fußball, Footie, Fan — September 9, 2007 @ 7:31 pm