Qualifying Round: Fulham vs. Newcastle

August 21 - 2007

When the fixture table was set, this particular match-up made me cringe; I’d have preferred to see these two sides meet later rather than sooner.  Alas, it’s a knock-out tourney, so knock-out we must.  Game on.

The case for Fulham:  When West Ham began dealing with known money-launderers and Lucas Niell, my fondness for Fulham blossomed.  Ours was a spring-fling, and now its time to see if what we had under the Cottage grandstand was real, or just lager-fueled groping.

A look at the pros:

• What light through yonder window breaks?
  It is the East, and Jimmy Bullard is the sun!
• Watching Fulham’s first three matches, you can’t help but be impressed with their new-found organization.  Thus far they’ve refused to be stretched into the tatters that marked Chris Coleman’s time with the Cottagers. 
• And what about that cottage, eh?  One of the oldest grounds on the planet, Craven Cottage sits right on the bank of the Thames.  It’s one of my favorite grounds to watch televised games played, and I can only imagine it’s better in person.

And some cons:

• Fulham came within inches of relegation last time out, and it doesn’t take much imagination to see them right there again.
• Summer spending?  How about $18million dropped on the likes of Aaron Hughes, Lee Cook, David Healy, Chris Baird, Steven Davis and Adrian Leijer.  Those are not made up names.  They’re actual dudes.  And I can’t really believe they cost more than a curry pie and a 24 of Tetley’s.
• Oh, and did I mention Paul Konchesky?  SOOOO much fun to watch that guy kick it out of bounds.
• Holla!
• You know that douche-baggey Sam’s Army fan, right?  Well he’s also a Fulham fan - likes to call them “Fulham USA.” 

The case for Newcastle:  The Magpies were my first Premiership love.  I’ve shaken hands with David Ginola, stepped out on the St. James’ Park turf, and have a picture of myself wearing Kevin Keegan’s jacket in the NUFC laundry room.  Yes, I have a history of abandoning teams.  I’m not proud….which may actually be the key to bringing me back to Newcastle, because if there’s one club who’s supporters surely have no pride…

The pros:

• This ain’t your daddy’s Newcastle.  Big Sam has come to “toon,” and managed to amass a roster of pure promise.  Obafemi Martins?  Alan Smith?  David Rozenhal?  Semi Boner, anyone?
• Most recognizable kit in the league.
• They just dealt Kieron Dyer, the other half of this equation, to West Ham.  This simultaneously makes Newcastle more likable, and West Ham easier to forget. 
• Charles N’Zogbia is a fantastic talent but, more importantly, has a last name that is ridiculously fun to say.  I mutter “N’Zogbia” when I’m blue and it cheers me up.  I order it as a side to hamburgers.  I imagine I am a robot and “N’Zogbia” is my robo-name. 
• Newcastle’s chief rival is Sunderland…which must drastically increase wins over their chief-rival.

That’s a serious helping of pros.  On to the cons:

• The roster looks great…now.  Martins has an escape clause which only he can stand in the way of, Michael Owen seems to play with one foot out the door, and keeping talents like N’Zogbia will continue to prove difficult.  
• Stephen Carr:  I hate you!
• As fun as “N’Zogbia” is to say, Belozoglu Emre’s first name cancels the joy out.  Belozoglu.  Terrible.
• Don’t get attached to your favorite Magpie: before the year is out, Joey Barton might have choked the life out of him with a tube sock.
• See that picture at right?  He has the seat right next to yours.  Note:  If you watched the opening crowd shots of last week’s Newcastle-Villa match, I’m sure you caught sight of the shirtless/toothless guy with the camo pants?  Exhibit B.

The Verdict:  As an aspiring yuppy, my desire to support a riverfront London club puts Fulham out to an early lead, 1-nil.  Newcastle evens the match before half-time on the strength of my desire not to have my son supporting a Championship team when he goes off to kindergarten.  The second half bores me to tears as both teams conjure up a taste of the footballing mediocrity they’re prone to.  Big Sam threatens to lose it for Newcastle with his lame-ass Bluetooth routine…Fulham fires wide when three American players attempt to link up with two Northern Irelanders.  Drunken Geordies are everywhere.  They reek.  But wait…N’Zogbia, charging through the midfield!  Left-footed laser…He’s done it! Newcastle over Fulham, 2-1!

My plans for strolls on the Thames and seats on the Cottage balcony are ruined, and I’m already suffering buyer’s remorse.  “N’Zogbia, N’Zogbia, N’Zogbia…”