Training Day

July 19 - 2007

For my “return from paternity leave”, I was going to bore you with a piece about parenting and soccer.  But when I tried to sketch the details in the recovery room, all that came out was an Archie Manning-like, 12 step plan to turn my kid into a world class soccer player.  It culminated in the following drill designed to familiarize my son with the challenges of playing in front of a racist crowd:

In order to prepare Ian for games in the former Yugoslavian and/or rural Spain:

1)  Paint Ian in black-face.   I know this is socially unacceptable, but it’s meant to teach a lesson about teamwork and racism.  Plus no one can see into the backyard.

2)  As Ian kicks his little size-2 ball around the yard, make monkey noises and throw bananas at him.

3)  When he begins to cry, stop the exercises and explain to him that “what you’re feeling right now is 1/100th of what your black teammates will be feeling when every Slobodan/Franco in the stadium gets going.  Now get out there and deliver some social justice.”

4)  Console him.  But not with a hug.  Fist pound, maybe.

“If the nurses see that, they’re going to call child-services,” said my wife.  And when I reread it, I couldn’t really argue…so I scrapped it.  We’re all winners for that.

Soccernista will be coming back slowly.  Babies really do crush your soul, but I’ll be making every effort to get some stuff up here.  Until then…