soccernista.com 
Amid reports of dressing room fractures and calls for a managerial change, Mexico conjured up two of the finest goals you’ll see in their 2- 0 victory over Brazil. So glad we sent our “B” team to this clearly second rate tourney. (video courtesy 101greatgoals)
We’re accustomed to MLS teams experiencing a total lack of quality support. The issue before us today, however, involves quality support experiencing a total lack of MLS team.
Sons of Ben are a supporters’ group backing Philadelphia’s MLS team – a team that doesn’t exist. In SoB’s short existence they have set a shining, if somewhat nerdy, example of what it means to be a hardcore MLS fan. They sing, they heckle, they offend the soccer bourgeoisie, and I think they’ve made Philly my favorite MLS team.
The President of SoB, Bryan James, and his VP, Andrew Dillon, were nice enough to let me pretend to be a journalist and interview them, which basically amounted to several layers of make-believe. “Hey I’m a fake journalist, you guys are fake supporters: Can I ride your unicorn?” That kind of thing.
They’ve been interviewed by SI, Four-Four-Two, and The Guardian, but Soccernista is the first to get them to sing an improptu terrace tune about Clint Mathis. That, and more, after the jump.
This won’t get old for a while:
And a quick look at what’s floating around the intertube:
Nothing against these guys personally, but I can’t quite believe this is the roster we’re sending to a South American championship. Why these guys didn’t get a run out in the Gold Cup is beyond me…though it probably has something to do with Sierra Mist.
Goalkeepers: Brad Guzan (Chivas USA), Kasey Keller (Borussia Moenchengladbach, Germany), Carrot Top (Luxor)*
Defenders: Jonathan Bornstein (Chivas USA), Bobby Boswell (D.C.), Dan Califf (Aalborg BK, Denmark), Jimmy Conrad (Kansas City), Jay DeMerit (Watford, England), Drew Moor (Dallas), Heath Pearce (Nordsjaelland, Denmark), Marvell Wynne (Toronto), Jeff Agoos (retired)*
Midfielders: Kyle Beckerman (Colorado), Ricardo Clark (Houston), Benny Feilhaber (Hamburg SV, Germany), Eddie Gaven (Columbus), Sacha Kljestan (Chivas USA), Justin Mapp (Chicago), Lee Nguyen (PSV Eindhoven, Netherlands), Ben Olsen (D.C.), Misplaced Priorities (US Soccer)*
Forwards: Charlie Davies (Hammarby, Sweden), Herculez Gomez (Colorado), Eddie Johnson (Kansas City), Taylor Twellman (New England), Herculez Gomez (no, seriously, he’s on the US National Team)
*unsubstantiated
A special room in hell was created for 95% of mainstream American soccer media this morning when Argentina released their Copa America roster: it’s stacked like an improptu cheerleading pyramid at the Source Awards.
US Soccer long ago made the decision to send a reduced strength roster to Venezuela in order to beat mediocre opponents in the Gold Cup. Everyone from Jeff Carlisle to Andrea Canales gave that plan the reacharound, saying that South American countries would also be sending reduced rosters to Copa America. And therein lies the danger of allowing people that know very, very little about soccer to take paychecks for spouting off about it. Feast your eyes on this “reduced” roster:
Goalkeepers: Roberto Abbondanzieri (Getafe, Spain), Juan Pablo Carrizo (River Plate), Agustin Orion (San Lorenzo).
Defenders: Javier Zanetti (Inter, Italy), Roberto Ayala (Valencia, Spain), Gabriel Heinze (Manchester United, England), Gabriel Milito (Zaragoza, Spain), Daniel Diaz (Boca Juniors), Hugo Ibarra (Boca Juniors), Nicolas Burdisso (Inter, Italy).
Midfield: Luis Gonzalez (Porto, Portugal), Juan Roman Riquelme (Boca Juniors), Javier Mascherano (Liverpool, England), Esteban Cambiasso (Inter), Fernando Gago (Real Madrid, Spain), Juan Sebastian Veron (Estudiantes, Argentina), Pablo Aimar (Zaragoza, Spain).
Forwards: Lionel Messi (Barcelona, Spain), Hernan Crespo (Inter), Diego Milito (Zaragoza), Carlos Tevez (West Ham, England), Rodrigo Palacio (Boca).
Perhaps something was lost in the translation from Spanish, but “reduced” apparently means “good enough to use the USÂ national team as a semen-sock.” And yes I’m pissed about it, because the journalists’ support of US Soccer included off hand dismissals of internet crazies who thought the plan was crap. Canales even referred to “sniffy attitudes”among those questioning the value of the Gold Cup, as if she were part of some realpolitik that only a press pass could help you understand.
I do a great deal of thinking about the blogosphere. Every time an someone important mourns the loss of “expertise” to the “cult of the amateur”, I get uncomfortable. I worry Soccernista is part of the problem. But days like today make me realize: while the majority of soccer writers were sitting in journo class, or building a CV at some shitty local paper, folks that write soccer blogs (or comment on them) were either on the field playing or in front of a televised match pounding lager. And so when Jeff Carlisle, or Sunil Gulati or whoever else, craps out some uninformed opinion that will have an impact on the future of America as a soccer playing nation…well…someone should say something, even if that something is preceded by video of a dude pantsing a linesman and even if that something is read by only 27 people.
OK, enough aggrandizement. For their part, US Soccer seems to be scrambling as they have twice postponed the hour of announcement for the Copa America roster. Supposedly it’s coming out at 4pm ET, so perhaps there will be more to say then.
I was ready to sit down and bang out a piece that both poked fun at Victoria-TomKat and praised Becks for his handling of the Real title and accompanying MLS backlash. Thankfully (for you and me), Simon Hattenstone had the same notion. Plus he’s a real journalist, so rather than constructing a leaning tower of hyperbole, uninformed opinion, and dick jokes, he’s done what is known in the trade as an “article.” Here’s a taste:
The photo is a captured moment, but at the same time it is brilliantly stage-managed. So much is fake or contrived, from the dazzling array of blond highlights to Posh’s boobs, rising like perfectly formed silicone half-moons out of a tight black dress…
Amid all the showmanship, one thing alone stood out as genuine: Beckham himself. Nobody could have questioned his dismay when he was substituted, his delight when Real won the game without him and his euphoria at finally winning La Liga. His smile, his kissing the turf, his running round the ground wrapped in the flag of St George, giddy as a schoolboy, were Becks to a T.
Hattenstone goes on to say what even the biggest cynics must now believe: Becks is as professional and genuine as any modern athlete in recent memory. Plus we get to find out who Helen Mirren would rather bone, “Becks or Thierry Henry?” That’s access Soccernista just can’t provide.Â
Is there an FCC regulation mandating that a certain percentage of American soccer broadcasts include a moronic Scotsman? And are we not already meeting that requirement through Tommy Smyth? Apparently not.
Update: I’ve been informed that Ray Hudson is from Newcastle, not Scotland, and Tommy Smyth is Irish, not Scottish. My 5th grade teacher always said I’d amount to nothing, and that I’d have special trouble identifying the country of origin for idiotic, know-nothing color commentators.  She was right.
I’m in crisis. I can’t bring myself to attend an MLS match. And before you get all uppity: I happen to think the quality of soccer is quite good. I know that if I head down to the Home Depot Center, I’ll be treated to a very decent game of soccer.  It’s not MLS, per say…it’s the goddamn 405 freeway.
Though I live a mere 10 minutes from downtown LA, to attend an “LA” Galaxy match I must make a round-trip journey of anywhere from 2 to 4 hours. Why? Because the Galaxy do not play in Los Angeles proper, but instead ply their trade in the suburb of Carson, CA.Â
And yes, I’d be lying if I said beer didn’t play a part in my avoidance.  I prefer to take my soccer with enough lager to make one, how should I say, “drunk.” But the 405 ushers in an awful reality: at minimum, a Galaxy match involves one hour of sober driving, 2 hours of sober Chris Albright viewing, and one hour of sober driving home. No thanks.
I mention this because twice in the past month have MLS expansion/stadium plans been rumored, and twice have those plans included suburbia. First it was Portland looking 20-odd miles west to the sleepy hamlet sprawlville of Hillsboro, then Seattle casting an eye southward towards the even farther away Tukwila Sea-Tac airport. What’s a soccer sommelier to do?
I would assume, given the choice, current and future MLS teams would prefer to have urban stadiums. Fans can use public transportation, make a day of it in the city, and not feel like they are making a pilgrimage to some youth soccer orgy.  The teams themselves can be woven into the fabric of the city in the way that so many storied American sports franchises are.Â
The obstacles, I can only imagine, are financial, the cost of land and development being less in the suburbs. But in real estate what you pay for is what you get, and the truth is this: soccer stadiums in the suburbs blow cock and nuts.   MLS has been approaching the problem pragmatically, but perhaps that’s a slow death. Could it be that the impossibility of urban stadiums will be the Achilles heel that forever relegates MLS to the landscape of second tier sport? Is it impossible to have a successful league with a Chicago based team playing 17 miles away from their home city?
The situation reminds me of what an inebriated Englishman said to me once in a hotel bar:
“What’s with you Yanks: yer stadiums ‘ave plenty of parking, but God help ya’ if yer lookin’ for a pub.”
Complaining about this stuff gets the MLS sheep fired up: “If you loved your team (or the game), you wouldn’t worry about driving so far to see it/not cannonballing tacos and Tecate once you get there.” Well, then, perhaps I really am at an impasse. I grew up on the stuff. It’s the only sport I follow. I happen to think it’s the greatest game on the planet. But I’m not going to drive 2 hours to sit sober next to a family in AYSO jerseys while some guy on the field in a hot dog suit tries to catapult a frankfurter at me. It’s just not in me.Â
And if I won’t do it, how the hell will a suburban MLS ever make inroads into the sporting consciousness of this country? I, for one, have no idea.
With something closer to pride than shame, I will confess: I didn’t watch a single minute of the group phase. If the US had looked like crap, it would have depressed me. If they had looked like world beaters, I would have noticed they were playing El Salvador. This is what is known as a “no win.” It is the product of participating in a mostly meaningless competition against mostly overmatched opponents.Â
From what I hear, the US has been “meh, OK.” So I’m not sure what we’re going to accomplish here, but we’re all witnesses, at least. I will be looking for the following:
Let’s do this.
For many of us, it’s not a country: it’s a crotch-pumping Van Halen anthem about driving in a bedroom. But a country it is, and somehow they have made the quarterfinals of something…which says more about the Gold Cup than it does anything else.
No matter, the US hopes to whip some Panamanians, and I intend to liveblog the attempt. Want to help? Do one of two things:
Godspeed.