May 31 – 2007

I’m still cooling down after the Champions League and Championship playoff, and I admit: I’ve yet to lay eyes on an MLS match. I will eventually, but for now I need a bit of football detox. And to ensure I get it, I’m focusing on this free-kick from the other night. It’s so bad that the result doesn’t quite seem real… kinda’ like one of those Powerade commercials - there’s no visual evidence they’re fake, but your brain just can’t reconcile the images it’s receiving. The result just makes no sense. (via 101GreatGoals)

May 30 – 2007

When Alexi Lalas was handed the keys to the Metrostars, I remember thinking, “Good for him, but I doubt he’ll cut it as a suit.” Well doubt no more – the guy makes David Stern look like Timothy Leary. He is a poster child for suitdom, a shining example of suitness.

This past week, Lalas has been extra loose with the MBA-speak. First, in response to the Beckham recall, Lalas was quoted as saying

“From a business perspective, it is not the greatest news as we are selling a team with David Beckham in it and a lot of people are excited about seeing him play with the Galaxy. He has a responsibility on and off the field to our organisation and our sport and he recognises that.”

Inspiring stuff. The blatant concern not for the Galaxy’s position in the table, or the health of their star, but for “selling the team” is a thing to behold. FIFA, then, were justly concerned that Lalas’s comments may have violated statutes regarding release of players for international duty. Â

And if that weren’t enough, Lalas had a go at relegation as well:

“Because we are a business,” Lalas replied, “and in order to attract new business and new ownership to an already very powerful and excited ownership group that we have, we need to make sure that when they come into the league, that they’re going to stay in the league…It’s a very foreign concept to sports in the United States.”

Welcome to the Soccernista Shit-List (if such a thing exists), Alexi. When you maneuvered your way back behind the curtain, I assumed you’d want to be a force for change, a voice of soccer reason. Turns out you are only too willing to align your influence with forces desperate to maintain status quo and eliminate risk.

Relegation is too foreign for Americans; just like soccer. Get thee to a business class, Lalas, and learn something about product differentiation. Making this league like every other American franchise-league won’t attract any new fans, and will only turn off fans who live in America but choose to watch foreign leagues.  But we’ve been through that, haven’t we…

May 26 – 2007

The reasons for David Beckham’s recall to England are obvious:

1. Steve McClaren’s England are entirely impotent. They are even more directionless than Sven’s England, and that is truly saying something.
2. Beckham is in fantastic form. He has been instrumental in propelling Real Madrid into a last day title race with Barcelona, and his continued ability to contribute at the game’s highest level can no longer be in doubt.

The more complicated question is “why did Beckham fall out of favor in the first place?”  He had an average World Cup while Frank Lampard and Steven Gerrard were legitimate disappointments. He’s always been a hardworking professional, charitable and well mannered. Yes he married a Spice Girl, but it’s important to remember: at the time the Spice Girls were hot. The “Which Spice Girl would you most want to do?” game was played without irony, and Posh had to be at the top of your list (barring any fetishistic attraction to Sporty). Yes, the fashion obsession wears on people, but if it occasionally produces images like this one, who among us can say we’d trade it away?Â

I’ll say it now: I have a soft spot for Becks. I marvel at his ball-striking ability, very much appreciate his work-rate, and can forgive his below average ability in the tackle. He is not the greatest player in the game and never was. He is, however, awfully good.

The English going sour on Beckham is a national tradition, right up there with getting sunburned on holiday in replica jerseys. They blamed him in 1998, all but chased him out of Manchester in 2003, and already had it in their heads to ban him for life after 2006.   Predictably, the first decision of import made by McClaren was to rip the captain’s band from Beckham’s heavily tattooed, probably waxed arm. I’d argue, in each case, that the souring has little to do with what actually transpired on the field (minus the Simeone incident).

This time around the love-loss had a decidedly American feel to it: it was MLS’s fault. The English regard the league as a joke, and it’s tough to argue with their line of thinking – no relegation, empty stadiums, and players like Fecundo Erpen. Just this week, Martin Samuel of The Times wrote, “It is no more possible to play for Los Angeles Galaxy and England than it is to satisfy Maidstone United and France.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m assuming it’s a biting criticism of our domestic league.

And so the person with the most to be happy about this week is not David Beckham, but MLS commisioner Don Garber. Having the league’s biggest signing recalled to a national team that had sworn him off is a dream come true. The Galaxy will suit up an England International come July, and even the most mindless MLS boosters will regard that as a miracle.Â

As for Beckham, it will end poorly, if only because the English will have it no other way. They can’t have a national hero playing on a team called Galaxy, and so they won’t. I’ll be rooting for him but the stage is set for yet another excommunication. Pity, too, because the man deserves better.Â

May 25

Friday, 4 pm, and I’ve yet to use my AK. I may be jinxing myself here, but I’m just about ready to declare it a good day.Â

As for the bullets…

• All the heart-pounding, important soccer is coming to a close for the year, so the time has come to turn your focus to MLS. I had planned on writing a “catch-up” guide so you could hit the ground running, but I myself had to be reminded they were still in season. One thing I do know, however, is this: Red Bull tops the table, and Juan Pablo Angel has 3 in 3 games (including 2 in his last). I’ve been a fan of Angel since his shaky start at Villa, and I can honestly say I’m excited to see him in action. Maybe he can be our gateway drug into the ‘07 season.
• With their Champions League dreams not quite cold to the touch, Rafa Benitez has come out firing with every manager’s plea dujour: “Let me spend more.” I’ve touched on this managing scourge before, and it’s nice to see The Guardian weigh in on the matter as well. I hope the Liverpool board give Benitez his kitty so he can spend it on average Spaniards. Shut up and put in Peter Crouch, Rafa.Â
• A commenter asked about the “I Saw Peter Crouch Score” t-shirt I posted the other day, so now’s as good a time as any to hip you to a pretty damn good t-shirt shop: Goalhanger.com. My personal favorite? Toss up between “Eboue” and “Philippe Albert du fan-club officiel.” Â
• If you’ve been to a youth soccer game recently, you likely noticed an odd label on many of the balls: “Hand-Stitched by Adults.”  It’s less odd when you recall the outcry surrounding the revelation that Nike’s ball manufacturing operations in Pakistan may have involved a “cottage industry” which employed child labor, but still kind of odd when you imagine a 13 year-old kicking it and not giving a rat’s ass who sewed it so long as he didn’t have to. And then when you consider that Nike pulling the manufacturing probably caused many struggling families to become starving families, you have to marvel at the irony of it all. At any rate, Nike’s going back into Pakistan for some ball labor and this time they mean business. Worker’s now have freedom to associate, bargain collectively, and shop at the Nike employee store in Portland.Â

Enjoy the weekend.

May 23 – 2007

If you bought into ESPN’s “rematch” force-feed, you were likely very disappointed by yesterday’s Champions League finale (of course, if you buy into anything on ESPN, you likely have a black and red phone that doesn’t work, recurring nightmares about Magnus Ver Magnusson, and the annoying habit of yelling non sequiturs during highlights). It was a final, and informed fans know to approach finals with managed expectations.

AC Milan, after all, could not possibly have wanted an entertaining match; they are a superiorly organised side, and entertainment could come only at the cost of that organisation. Learning from the chaos of 2005 meant boring the pants off all of us in 2007. Mission accomplished.

Not that the game didn’t have its take-home moments. Andrea Pirlo continued to prove he is the most efficient handler of a soccer ball this side of Michel Platini. Kaka is just fantastic enough to excuse the massive number of times he gives the ball away. And Filippo Inzaghi looks like Mark Anthony.  Not just a little bit, either.

For Liverpool’s part, the conclusions were decidedly less fulfilling . Jermaine Pennant can weave drunkenly through a defense like…like a drunken Jermaine Pennant driving through shrubbery, but the result is always a poorly hit cross. The 60 additional minutes Peter Crouch deserved should be taken off Rafa’s stay at Anfield. And a team forced to field Boudewijn Zenden, in 2007, can count itself lucky to have gone as far as it did.

For the rest of us, we can only wonder why in Christ that game wasn’t in HD, and what blunt object would be best to stuff in Tommy Smyth’s onion bag to make him stop. The fact is this: both the Champions League and the World Cup now reside in Italy. Draw what conclusions you will regarding the potential for homoeroticization.Â

May 22 – 2007

I love broken English. From Chinese menus to French hooligans’ diaries, I confess: broken English makes me laugh. I giggle like an embarassed child.  Â

No surprise, then, that this is my favorite Champions League preview video:

May 21 – 2007

Here’s a spotty helping of bullets on a Monday afternoon. Lap it up, Injuns.

• Being Preakness Day and all, I was in a gambling mood. Guessing the teams would be fatigued and mostly looking forward to an Ibiza holiday, I decided to pocket the $24.95 and risk missing a potentially classic FA Cup Final. It seems the gamble payed off as the Chelsea-ManU clash inspired adjectives like “dour,” “mind numbing,” and “so devoid of any excitement for the first half that the Hague convened a tribunal to look into its various crimes against the sport.”Â
• Andriy Shevchenko has had a tough year, and it’s about to get worse; the Ukrainian told reporters he hopes to one day ply his trade in MLS.  Recalling how supportive the English press were of Beckham’s stateside move, I can almost hear their pens sharpening for a Sheva bloodbath.Â
• This is a big moment for Soccernista : our 1000th post! I know – I can scarcely believe it myself. I remember post #218 like it was yesterday. But then I decided to count rough drafts, comments I wrote at other websites, and lewd messages left in internet chat rooms, and that put us to 1000. It feels incredible. Just ask Romario.
• The connection to soccer (a kicking motion, I suppose) is tangential at best, but this feat of athleticism deserves respect regardless of the forum. And some advice, Jim: Ditch the guy pleading with you not to kick his ceiling in.  If he’s holding you back from achieving great things, he wasn’t really your friend to begin with. Â

May 18 – 2007

Bob Bradley has been hired. More accurately, he has been let go as the interim coach, and rehired as the permanent coach. Or maybe the “interim” was dropped. Or the interim is now indefinite. I don’t know, but he’s the coach now.

Really, dropping the “interim” from Bob Bradley’s title does little beside spawn a rehashing of his appointment in the first place. The “we need a Big Name” argument is raging once again, and soccer media personalities are suiting up their tired arguments and heading back out on the pitch. Â

Which is all fine and good; the hiring of a national team boss, in a healthy soccer media economy, should usher in a period of bitching. I will, however, say this: the Juergen worship has to stop. It’s unseemly…fawning over Germans like that. The notion that Juergen Klinsman is an experienced, wily international coaching juggernaut is pure fantasy. The guy took a host team to the semi-finals, and not South Korea or Japan either – it was fricking Germany.Â

And the other “candidates,” namely Carlos Queiroz and Gerard Houllier, make Juergen Klinsman look like Franz Beckenbauer. How a French school teacher and Sir Alex’s lap-dog suddenly become elevated to Epic International Forces of Management, simply for the sake of an argument, is beyond me. Jeff Carlisle of Soccernet fame trots out these two in his latest column, referring to them as coaches “with international experience who would cause a serious rethink about the way the federation and the U.S. national teams operate.” Yeah, like how we should start calling snacks “tapas.”

The lack of imagination at work here is appalling. It’s one thing to criticize Gulati for his decisions, quite another to offer up even crappier options. So here you go, Jeff Carlisle, a real option you can press for and not sound like you don’t know what you’re talking about:

• Let Bradley coach this team until the last three games of qualifying, then install a World Cup hitman (Hiddink, Beenhakker, Scolari). Done.

Was that so hard? For my part, I happen to like Bradley and think he has roughly twice the soccer intellect as his man-boobed mentor Arena. With such weak support from the federation, however, I can’t really see him surviving until the South African safari. Still, he is the right man at the right time…that time being now.

May 16 – 2007

As commenter “Ben” hipped us to, Jose Mourinho was indeed arrested today (and cautioned, and released) on charges of obstructing police in their bid to confiscate his pet terrier. Police suspected the dog had traveled abroad, didn’t have shots, and should have been quarantined. In the ensuing fracas the dog escaped and has gone missing.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How can I make money on this?” Thankfully, PaddyPower is offering odds on where the pooch will show up. King’s Road is the favorite at 4/1, while the longest shot on the board is “in the FA Cup” at 1000/1. The most appealing underlay, however, comes in at 8/1:

Inside his manbag? For as much as I dislike Jose Mourinho, I would never wish that upon him. It could require surgery, people.

May 15 – 2007

The sun has set on one of the best seasons in memory, and it’s time to hit the awards circuit. Remember: if you’re seated at Glenn Roeder’s table, you ain’t winning shit.Â

Most Boring Team - They either physically beat you into unconsciousness, or put you there with their football; Manchester City were both rough and rough to watch.Â

Least Boring Team – Sure the Big Four churn out watchable stuff with the greatest consistency, but shoppers frequently found Blackburn providing the most bang for the buck. A squad who a year ago would likely have been on the opposite end of this list brought some seriously entertaining stuff via Tugay, Bentley, McCarthy, and Gamst Pederson.  Tugay, in particular, was a pleasure to watch.

Best Buy – Not only did Michael Carrick play a pivotal role in Manchester United’s title run, he served as a foolproof litmus test - those (and there were many) who complained that Carrick “needed to do more” don’t know very much about this game. He and Paul Scholes formed the Prem’s finest midfield, and $34million starts to look pretty cheap for the last piece of a title puzzle.

Worst Buy - There were so many. But the $60million dollar Ferrari turned Ukrainian ZAZ , Andriy Shevchenko, will go down as the year’s biggest bust. Though he often displayed an exquisite first touch and fabulous vision, Sheva was meant to score goals…a difficult asking when you have less pace than Shannon Box.

Best Fans - “You’ll Never Walk Alone” might bring tingles to the spine, but “Greasy Chip Buddy Butty” will see those tingles and raise you a smile. Blades’ fans, you’ll be missed.

Worst Fans - Via That’s on Point, “Nothing against Wigan, they are a nice story after all coming from nowhere, staying up two-years in-a-row, etc., but every time there was a game from the JJB Stadium it seemed half-full and disinterested. Plus from what I’ve read they claim the town’s rugby team is better supported.” Paul Jewell’s manboobs are better supported.

Best Goal – The best goals are the ones you could imagine very good players seeing and saying to themselves, “I can not do that.” Obafemi Martins’ goal against Tottenham absolutely fit that description.Â

Worst Goal – Own goal’s happen, but what made Rio Ferdinand’s botched pass against Portsmouth so enjoyable was the temper tantrum. In a word: huffy.

Best Manager - Tough to get past Sir Alex on this one, but if you can…Steve Coppell looms large. His Reading were an efficient, entertaining side who look like Premiership regulars.

Worst Manager – Sacked by one club, then relegated with another? Alan Pardew, ladies and gentlemen, Alan Pardew.Â

Best XIÂ - Cech, Terry, Fabregas, Carragher, Vidic, Scholes, Essien, Petrov Berbatov, Ronaldo, Giggs, Drogba

Worst XI- Carroll, Upson, Boulahrouz, Senderos, Boa Morte, Mascherano, Ballack, Schevchenko, Pederson, Harewood, Hasselbaink

Best Scandal – Sure, the practice of agent pay-offs needed to be exposed, but the real benefit of this year’s best scandal was the ubiquity achieved by the word “bung.”

Worst Scandal - And by worst I mean the “one that ended without justice being served.” The Tevez-Mascherano signing was as sleazy as can be, went virtually unpunished, and hamstrung the league’s ability to punitively deduct points in the future. Hard to see any winners in this one not wearing claret and blue.