I was stabbed in the (Return) Leg

April 9 – 2007

Catching up with football after a vacation isn’t nearly as hard as it used to be. Between the Tivo and the Google, one can feel pretty comfortable he won’t embarrass himself when retaking the pub stool. But some controversies are better in real time, and this is especially true when crowd violence is involved.

Major media outlets tend to do a less than stellar job covering these matters (likely out of fear of sensationalism) and so you often get seriously watered down (i.e. substantiated) reports. Troll the message boards, forums, or comment sections and you’ll find fascist rhetoric that looks like it was beamed here from East London circa 1982. So somewhere between “8 people were admitted to hospital with head abrasions” and “I done 8 filthy Eyeties with nuthin’ but me bare hands” lies the truth.Â

Video evidence, you’d think, would get you closer to that truth. But clips (courtesy 101 Great Goals) of Man-U fans clashing with Italian police and Tottenham fans clashing with Spanish police only seem to reveal the following: Red Devils’ fans go in for the Bic-clean look, while the Yid Army seem to prefer the Caesar cut.  Aside from that, people run to and fro and stuff flies through the air. Weeeeee!

Ultimately, it’s not video but accompanying audio that proves most instructive. Though not pleasant listening, the clip found here comes with reaction from a Spurs supporter witnessing the events in Seville. Registering shock that police are beating fellow supporters indiscriminately (including one in a wheelchair), the narrator can also be heard pleading (unsuccessfully) with fans to stay seated and refrain from attacking stewards. In this juxtaposition lies the simple truth of the matter: European stadia and police are ill-equipped to handle misbehaving fans. And traveling English fans are chronic misbehaviors.

Mentioning the former is all the rage, while the latter will earn you the label “spineless twat.” But the fact is true enough, and any witness to the stereotypical English fan-on-tour will attest to it. Their “innocent fun” generally consists of invading a chosen bar or town-square, consuming enough lager to kill a draft horse, then serenading the local populace with bawdy tunes. Not that I personally wouldn’t find that to be fun: binge drinking during daylight hours is somewhat of a hobby of mine, and I like to think I’m good at it.  The expectation, however, that large numbers of foreigners would be able to cross borders, behave as if they never left Manchester, and be greeted with smiles, is a bit much.   Â

Rod Liddle takes this slant in a sarcastic Sunday Times piece, and I’m betting he rode to work this morning in a crash-helmet. He is sure to be drowned out by calls for Europe to improve stadia and policing, but it should be remembered: hooligans tone it down in England (yes) because of seating and clearly worded signage, but also because they know if they get caught thumping someone in the skull they’ll likely never watch a live match again. In the absence of such deterrence, well…

I’m as anglophilic as the next American Prem wannabe, but if English fans want to shine the spotlight on abusive foreign police or inadequate hospitality, they’ll need to raise their game. Otherwise, travel bans are a comin’ and likely too late.Â