April 30 - 2007

You can read these while contemplating quitting your job because Sam Allardyce said it was ok.

• The conjoined scoreline of the Everton-ManU/Bolton-Chelsea games continued my Taoist education: I hate Chelsea so much that I love Manchester United, but really I hate Manchester United, and maybe love and hate are aspects of the same thing, like yin and yang.  At any rate, I was thoroughly amused when Phil Neville forgot which club signs his checks (remember, he’s not the sharpest tool in the drawer).

• Even as a recovering West Ham fan, my moral compass is tuned to understand that the “fine” for the Tevez transaction represents a gross miscarriage of justice.  $10million?  Icelandic biscuit magnates spend that that much on fermented shark and Brennivin binges alone.  If we can all agree that signing players in murky, third party deals is wrong, can we not all agree that the punishment should actually be punitive?  Paul Jewell is whining, but he’s also right.

• Attention MLS execs:  Watch this video, and weep for what you have wrought.

• Usually I’d advise against bidding on a Fecundo Erpen jersey, but when the cause is as good as this one…

August 10 - 2007

For those of you who don’t know Lukey the Czech, turn your attention to the photo at left….and stare into the eyes of profitability. 

Lukey ended last year’s campaign with a staggering $182.63 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers).  The pilsner and cigar industries absorbed most of that, with any spare change likely finding its way to young ladies “working their way through college.” 

Lukey, then, will be off and running from zero.  His picks will appear every friday along with odds from Ladbrokes and an update of his progress/ruination.  He’ll offer his $10 “Lock of the Week” followed by the $5 fixture run-down and, hopefully, some unsolicited anecdotes about life in America as a first generation Czech man.  So, without further ado…

Another EPL season upon us and I’ve managed to convince my wife not to divorce me. Wigan should feel as fortunate for surviving last season’s drop-zone. Was there a more boring team to watch in 2006? I think not.  Painful man, painful.  An off season of acquisitions worth forgetting, not to mention they dealt their best young player to Everton. I really can’t come up with any good reason to think Wigan have a chance.  Everton pound Wigan 3-0.

Sunderland v Tottenham: 0-2
Bolton v Newcastle: 1-1
Derby v Portsmouth: 0-2
Everton v Wigan: 3-0
Middlesbrough v Blackburn: 2-2
West Ham v Man City: 3-2
Aston Villa v Liverpool: 1-2
Arsenal v Fulham: 2-0
Chelsea v Birmingham: 3-1
Man Utd v Reading: 2-0

Sunderland v Tottenham
Sunderland 5/2
Draw 12/5
Tottenham 13/10

Bolton v Newcastle
Bolton 6/4
Draw 9/4
Newcastle 2/1

Derby v Portsmouth
Derby 2/1
Draw 9/4
Portsmouth 6/4

Everton v Wigan
Everton 8/11
Draw 5/2
Wigan 5/1

Middlesbrough v Blackburn
Middlesbrough 6/4
Draw 9/4
Blackburn 2/1

West Ham v Man City
West Ham 6/5
Draw 9/4
Man City 3/1

Aston Villa v Liverpool
Aston Villa 3/1
Draw 23/10
Liverpool 11/10

Arsenal v Fulham
Arsenal 4/11
Draw 4/1
Fulham 10/1

Chelsea v Birmingham
Chelsea 2/9
Draw 11/2
Birmingham 16/1

Man Utd v Reading
Man Utd 1/4
Draw 9/2
Reading 14/1

April 27 - 2007

Today?  All Mourinho, all the time.

You’ll recall that Jose had shrugged off a reporter’s question about their Champions League tie with Valencia, saying

“This tie is not the biggest challenge of my career. I have overcome bigger problems than this. Anyway, I don’t worry about things like this. If we win, we go to the semi-final, but if not, I intend to go to Earl’s Court to watch the WWE Wrestling with my kids instead. It’s not a disaster to lose a game, you know.”

According to The Guardian, he made good:

And my selection for the 2007 time-capsule (courtesy WWE.com ):

April 26

I used to wonder at reports of the potential sacking of Jose Mourinho.  But after a week in which it came to light he had hidden in a laundry basket to avoid UEFA restrictions, and then accused referees of having one rule for Man Untd and another for Chelsea…well…I kinda’ see why Abromavich might want to be rid of him.  Jose loses touch with reality on a weekly basis, and I can’t imagine the Chelsea board not viewing him as a liability. 

On that note, the following impression falls somewhere ahead of “The Special One” clip, and just short of the “Rafa with homemade background” piece.  But as commentary it’s spot on.

April 25 - 2007

Washington DC is somewhat of a blogging hotspot; DC Sports Bog rules the national newspaper scene, Wizznutz has the sports stream-of-consciousness thing cornered, and Gilbert Arenas’s NBA.com entries (scroll down the page about 1/6th of the way and read “My Mission Statement” for a guide to how awesome player blogging can be) set the bar for professional athletes on the web.  It could be said, then, that Bobby Boswell enters blogland in good company. Of course, credit in this medium can be squandered pretty quickly when you post a pic of yourself dressed as a “cinnamon and chocolate tiger.” 

So, should BobbyBoswell.com make it on your list of regular stops on the infonet?  Boswell seems like a nice enough guy but, bearing in mind that a human being can only read so many sentences in his/her lifetime, I feel obligated to inform you: Bobby’s blog is not likely to change your life in any measurable fashion.  It’s not good enough to be good, and not bad enough to be funny.  It just is.

Take, for instance, the following “comedy spot.”

 

Stop Bobby.  Stop.  My side.

I will, however, admit to enjoying the relative ubiquity of dick jokes on Bobby’s blog, seeing as his target market absolutely includes girls aged 13-22.  In his latest contest give away, “Salute My Shorts,” the Bobster is giving away a pair of game-worn shorts to the fan who gives his/her best Zoolander “look.”  Of these shorts, Bob says,

“They are really comfortable! Just ask… nevermind.”

Yes!  Who wouldn’t be stoked to receive a pair of shorts endorsed by Bobby’s dong/berries?

In all, I have to applaud Bobby’s/United’s/MLS’s attempt to connect with fans in a format that is proving to be the most personal of all media.  Boswell is young and, at this point, can only get more interesting with age.  Maybe he’ll develop a gambling habit?  Punch his coach out?  Or be the first MLSer to come out?

Until then use the Du Nord filter; he’ll make sure the Tiger pictures get through and the ball-sweat soaked shorts don’t.

April 23 - 2007

In my bid to become the last blogger on the planet to link it, I give you the Lionel Messi goal everyone’s obsessing about…with a twist.

Clearly, the paralells are significant.  But allow me to get curmudgeonly for a second here: I think Messi’s looks like a cheap, dime-store version.  It lacks a certain je ne sais quoi (ooooh, fancy!).  It could be the nostalgia talking, but I’ll take the original any day of the week.  

April 23 - 2007

West Ham beat Everton on the weekend, reigniting the relegation battle and keeping alive hopes of a “Great Escape.”  And you know what?  I could care less.

This is the story of how a transatlantic fan finds himself without love for his team.  It’s not a fashionable story to tell, as the teller risks scorn from fellow fans, a general loss of credibility, and the deserved label of “pussy.”  But it’s the truth, and I read somewhere that the truth shall set you free…or something like that.  I think it’s translated from the French. (more…)

April 20 - 2007

When an alien race of the future discovers the fossilized remains of Soccernista, they will marvel not at the blatant MLS bashing, the cheap jokes at the expense of Chris Albright, or the epic overuse of the semicolon.  No.  It will be the profit turning ways of our resident Czech national that earns their respect.

Lukey went 10-3 last week, and donkey punched his total winnings to $211.17 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers).  Let’s see if he can keep this Gurkha fueled train rolling, after the jump.  (more…)

April 19 - 2007

It could be argued that Soccernista.com could use a woman’s touch (not that anyone would argue that, but it’s possible nonetheless).  And so I give you Newsgirl with her half-football, half-estrogen influenced links.  Please welcome her with open arms…just keep your hands where we can see ‘em.

• What do Thierry Henry and “E” from Entourage have in common?  They both love them some Sloan.   Check out the Reebok commercial here. 
• We’ve talked about WAGS before at Soccernista, but we’ve found a new low.  I don’t even know where to go with this.  The WAG, the other WAG, the unibrow; it’s all just too much.
• In other WAG news, Ms. Beckham’s reality show has been shelved and she is now considering a turn on Dancing with the Stars.   I hope they make as big a deal about her dancing with prosthetic tits.
• A few pics from the weekend’s horse races.  Forgive me for asking, but are “Horse Races” in the UK the equivalent of ”Pimps and Hos” parties in the US?
• Good thing they went with the first name, because Cristiano Reagano just doesn’t roll off the tongue.
• If you went to Dick’s park this weekend, you got a free iron-on patch.    A new stadium, new uniforms, an Arsenal partnership, and a free patch?  What more could you ask for?  A Rapids music video?  Consider it done.
• Kenny Cooper and Freddy Adu will be the voices for a new PSA for the Cartoon Network.  While Adu will be warning kids about the heart break of dating a Pop Star, Kenny will be giving workout tips, supplement advice, and a keg stand tutorial.
• More marketing genius from the MLS:  the Kansas City Wizards have a weekly caption contest.  I’ll give you a caption contest.  Name all four players in last week’s photo.  Good luck with that.
• Becks is throwing himself a men-only going away party.  I suspect he is having a going away party for his nuts as well, as they won’t be needed when hanging with his new boys Landon, Coby, Marc Anthony and TomKat. 
• Juan Pablo Angel to Red Bull NY.  Red Bulls technical director Jeff Agoos was on the case all along.  I’m glad we have the Iron Goose in charge of signing talent for NY; a man who once burned his national team jersey after not being selected for duty and sported a pony tail well in to his thirties is now a Technical Director.  Added Agoos: “There are some extremely big names in the pool of talent we looked at, but when we put all the pieces together, Juan Pablo was the primary target.” 
• The fellas over at The Wade Blogs.com have put together a special Top Ten Sports Star Tax Evaders with Maradona coming in at #7.  Hepatitis + tax evasion = rough year.

April 18 - 2007

Call it “baby foot.” Call it “foosball.”  Call it an epic battle for the soul of mankind.

By way of With Leather and the Basketball Jones comes the $20,000 “Good vs. Evil” foos-table, a rec-room device far too epic for stakes of “full-beer-chug” or “naked-lap-around-the-frat-house.”  Says Matt:

“Just like the Bible always predicted, the final battle between Good and Evil will be played on the foosball table…I have to admit: it doesn’t look good for Good.  The offense is a shambles: God can start things pretty nicely, but his finishing skills have diminished over the last 2000 years, and I don’t see Mary Poppins and Gandhi stepping up to score goals in his place.”

The rest of the lineup can be found here, and I’d have to agree:  I can’t see Good getting points off a side so rife with misanthropy that even Joseph Stalin (10 million killed) can’t break into the 1st team.  They really do have their work cut out. 

Some additional thoughts about the matchup:

• For God, it’s really a question of whether he can reproduce his Old Testament form; the whole “send your son to deliver a message of forgiveness” crap simply won’t be enough to break down the Evil midfield.
• I was a bit surprised to see both teams go with the 2-5-3.  Looks like the End of Days will see no shortage of goalmouth action.
• Caligula will be attacking the flank of Ghandi and Mother Teresa all day long.  Sorry, couldn’t resist.
• When Piglet read the team-sheets and saw that Christopher Robin would be marking Pol Pot, I have no doubt he crapped himself.
• Hitler loved Nietzsche.  Nietzsche declared God dead.  Hitler must face God in midfield.  I predict numerous Hitler mental-lapses, especially during restarts.
• I’m guessing the glory hole (below) was Caligula’s idea.