March 31 -2007

Lukey the Czech is back from his hiatus, ready to attack the weekend fixtures.  He hangs tough with $146.29(based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers), and that averages out to roughly 28 Candy Store lap-dances (plus tip).  Join Lukey for some Pilsener soaked, strawberry perfumed picks…after the jump.

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March 30 -2007 

MLS will go into its 12th season with most of the usual nagging questions answered. Soccer specific stadiums have become the norm, business models are stable, and the arrival of David Beckham has eased pressure to sign big names.   

But while the window for complaint has narrowed, it certainly hasn’t closed.  And those peering through the opening all seem to be landing on the same issue: MLS matches, in terms of watchability, fall somewhere between the Craftsman Truck Series and an LPGA swimsuit competition.

Ian Plenderleith of US Soccer Players tackles the problem in his latest piece, and quotes MLS Deputy Commissioner Ivan Gazidis as saying

“Ultimately we will not achieve our full potential unless we are able to deliver the game on the field that people want to watch,” he says. “We’re very conscious of that, and it’s probably the most important issue for us over the next four or five years to improve the on-field game.”

Plenderleith goes on to examine the role organizations play in cooking the mediocre soup, and even finds the balls to ask working coaches the following question: “How much do you feel responsible for the overall attractiveness of MLS games?”  I’m assuming no MLS coaches threw Plenderleith through a wall, but I’d like to see him ask that question of Big Sam Allardyce.  Can you say, “Plender-dead?”

He pokes a bit at referees and their offsides/professional-foul calls before settling on the following conclusion: it’s the fault of MLS’s crappy players. 

Don’t get me wrong; I’d love to pile on that bandwagon.  I’d love to be able to sit here and bang out an ode to all the ways Fecundo Erpen is trash.  Or about how Hercules Gomez, for every touch of the ball he takes, makes MLS more boring.  But there’s a problem: the two issues are completely unrelated.

“Unrelated, you say?”  Yes, unrelated.  Because leagues with far less quality routinely generate far more entertaining moments.  Take the League Championship, for instance.  MLS squads, on average, are every bit as talented as Championship squads (for proof, see Sunderland’s 2005 tour of the US and Canada which featured repeated beatdowns by A-League teams), yet the Championship is an eminently more watchable enterprise.  Why?

Well, let me cue up my broken record player: MLS games don’t mean anything.  Between the AYSO-worthy playoff system and the lack of relegation, MLS games are exercises in meaninglessness.  The League Championship, on the other hand, oozes tension.  Even when the soccer on display is less “beautiful game” and more “I smell of chips and Boddington’s,” the Championship pulsates with energy.  Winning the league is transcendent, while losing it is soul shattering.  Between the two you have the makings of entertainment.

If you’re unsure whether Gazidis is capable of processing this point, let me clear that up for you:

“It’s not just about playing the game, it’s also about how the game is played. Having a vibrant professional league, and a league that’s going to grow over five to 10 years, carries with it a real responsibility. It’s not enough that we play for wins and losses and believe we can grow the game simply by doing that.”

Wow.  And before we knew it, stores only sold one style of leather shoe, pre-shredded cheese was being rationed via government issued stamp-cards, and MLS teams cooperatively choreographed entertaining matches for the benefit of the proletariat.  I see you, Gazidis, you Pinko.

Why MLS executives think they can create an exciting league by following a separate model from every other exciting league on the planet is beyond me.  Sure, maybe they’re the smartest people ever to walk the face of the Earth and they’ll pull it off, but I’m betting that’s not the case.  In fact, I’m guessing they don’t know the first thing about this game. 

The risk reality here is the alienation of folks like Dave over at Dave’s Football Blog (which is starting to become a daily habit due to moments like this and this).  Dave’s site is devoted to covering football in all its forms; a concept that would have been unthinkable just years ago.  It hasn’t taken Dave long to get the lay of the land, and he’s come to the conclusion that something’s amiss with MLS.  Or, as he puts it,

MLS owners are pussies. They don’t give an actual damn about winning. They just want to turn a profit with their soccer teams with as minimal an investment as possible — just like William Clay Ford with the Detroit Lions and Donald Sterling with the L.A. Clippers. They know there’s an audience in America for this form of football, so they just throw a league out there, get the TV networks to buy into it, and that’s that.

This might be a bit cynical, but one would be hard pressed to find much evidence to the contrary.  To the prospective viewer the league looks like little more than an exhibition of not very good soccer. 

So while Gazidis goes on about “responsibility,” it might be nice to see some players, fans, and organizations dying for wins.  I’ll take a league of average players battling to the death over an exhibition of great soccer for nothing any day.  I’m willing to bet prospective fans would too.

March 28 - 2007 

10 minutes ’til kick-off, and I can’t wait to see me some blue pinstripes.  Snazzy.

“Pizza Hut Park” always sounds like double-speak.  Couldn’t they just have called it “The Pizza Hut?”  No, I’ve got it, “Meat Lovers Park.”  That way, Rob Stone could start broadcasts the same way he starts his mornings: “Coming to you live, from Meat Lovers Park!”

Pre-Game:  Did Rob Stone start trash-talking Carlos Ruiz before the kick-off?  Nordy mentioned this on Sunday, but ESPN needs to reign these guys in.  They really do act like their broadcasting for their buddies in a bar.

2:30  Mapp dangerous up the flank, but he showed terrible judgement in picking out Johnson. 

6:00  Simek, Spector, and DeMerit in the back: the 75% Coca-Cola Championship backline.  Get Conrad a transfer to Ipswich, and we’re in business.

10:30  “Guatemala - a bunch of 5 foot nothings.”  Yes, love the dig on Pre-Columbian civilization.  Can’t wait until we play Japan and Wynalda notes their “highly mathematical approach to the game.”  Dick.

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March 27 - 2007 

While no one knows the outcome of tomorrow’s clash between the US and Guatemala (9 pm ET, ESPN 2), we can say this: not since Mel Gibson’s “Apocalypto” will Guatemalans have had so much screen time.  Hold the flour this time, fellas.

The ersatz tradition here at Soccernista has been to fabricate hatred for US opponents, but this time I am at an impasse - the nanny that cares for my infant son is Guatemalan.  As a result, half my annual salary ends up in Guatemala.  I am the source of 35% of the country’s foreign capital.  If I hate on Guatemala, she might quit, and the economy of the country would be destabilized.  This could cause a wave of revolt throughout Central America.  And we can’t have that, can we.

The Ecuador game was documented in superb fashion by Nordy, but I have some bad news: yours truly will be back with the mediocre liveblogging steez.  Maybe Landon will play terribly, make out with Bianca in the run of play, and cry big alligator tears when his uniform gets dirty.  That would make things easier, wouldn’t it.

March 27 - 2007 

The secret, really, is to cook it at low temperatures for a long, long time (I chose to braise mine in a red wine reduction sauce, but you could just as easily use beef stock).  Shallots are key.  The truffle-oil infused mashed potatoes go nicely.  You never do get used to the texture…but they are scavengers…so what can you expect?

Landon Donovan may yet prove to be the eunuch we’ve accused him of being.  For now, though, that was virtuosic.  The goals were of impeccable quality.  Donovan showed tremendous class in taking them, and it would not be a stretch to say it was the finest goalscoring display ever put forth by a male in a US jersey. 

 

Enjoy your meal…goal. goal. goal. goal. goa

Update:  Suitcase of Courage has been on the same diet.

March 25 - 2007

We have a real treat today. The commenter hitherto known as “Nordy” will take on liveblogging duties for the US-Ecuador match. Since I liveblog about as well as Greg Lalas’ cat, this will likely constitute a vast improvement over past efforts.

But no pressure. This is, after all, the type of site that runs a picture of an Ecuadorian gentlemen giving a llama the reach-around. The bar is that low. Enjoy.

T-minus 10 minutes til Rob Stone rules my world: I’m really worried about the crowd for today’s game. Looks like half of Florida is in Gainsville for the AC Delco Gatornationals…and really, who can blame them?! Where else can you see fine-tuned athletes press their gas pedal and aim straight ahead? It’s kind of like Jeopardy! without the questions.

Garth, hopefully I can be entertaining enough that you don’t lose all your readers to greglalas’scat.blogspot.com.

T-minus 8 minutes: my ears just perked up. On the drag racing, they just mentioned something about crowning the “top alcohol sportsman.” I’m glad there’s driving involved.

12:00 Bruce Arena is as good at reading a tele-prompter as he is at saying no to seconds.

12:04 Anyone else get goosebumps every time you see our boys in those famous royal blue pinstripes like I do?

0:01 That was quick! There go all my Landon jokes…I might as well go home now.

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March 24 - 2007

Need a reason to put some hate on the nation of Ecuador?  Simple: They killed God. 

Or at least their bountiful display of genetically inherited variation coupled with intense competition for resources did.  I’m talking about ”The Galapagos” here, people.  And since Ecuador owns those scraggy heaps of lava…

Yes, the US National Team plays host to the birthplace of evolution (12 pm ET, ESPN), and we’ll liveblog what promises to be an avenging of the deicide.  Feel free to play along in the comments section because, if nothing else, this site can be a forum for striking a blow at the heart of the atheist agenda.  Or something. 

See you then.

 

March 22 - 2007 

For Sunday’s game in Tampa, Nike dips into the retro design-vault and ladles out a Mike Windishmann-’89 inspired jersey.  That, or a US Olympic Softball jersey.  Not sure. 

I’ll withhold judgement until kick-off, but I’m thinking the ‘94 “denim” kit is about to get a run for its ugly-money.

March 22 - 2007

After watching Shalrie Joseph at the Home Depot Center last year, I recall thinking, “That fellow is one of only a handful of MLS players I would pay good money to see.”  Because let’s face it: forking over my slave-wages for a 90 minute date with Joey Franchino ain’t exactly value. 

Joseph, though, is a calming presence.  Good in the air, good in the tackle, and surprisingly good with his feet; he’s the type of player you can build a team around.

The acrimony surrounding his recent contract negotiations with New England, then, is shocking.  If media reports are to be believed, the Revs are sticking to a contract offer of $300,000 while Joseph’s camp wants to push him to $315,000.  Bonuses are involved as well, but Joseph’s agent claims these are “less than you’d think.”  In the world of Revs/Patriots Owner Bob Kraft, the most extreme imagining of these figures might equal a weekend jaunt to Aspen, or a particularly adventurous dining tab; no one is going hungry up there in Foxboro.

Add to this the fact New England have twice turned away Joseph’s dream-move to Celtic, and you have what industrial and labor relations professionals call, “a screwing.” 

If you need convincing of the intractability of the situation, try this on for size: Ron Waxman, Joseph’s agent, has said  Joseph wishes to be traded, and would play for any other of MLS’s 12 teams.  That’s a list that includes a move from Boston to the cosmopolitan environs of Columbus, OH.  Or, for Joseph, a chance to become one of three black people in the state of Utah. 

As usual, seemingly small matters of MLS business can be seen as evidence of larger problems on the horizon.  First: the Joseph situation must surely be seen as a deterret to young talents looking to grow their career in America.  The Grenadan’s success in MLS has made him a desirable quantity on the world market, and one would think he’d be entitled to reap the rewards of that success.  But players watching his owners squabble for disposable caviar-cash, while simultaneously denying a move abroad, must draw a conclusion: the MLS is a dead-end.

Furthermore, the inability of the Revs to find an acceptable offer within MLS speaks poorly of other teams in the league.  While the Chicago Fire chase low-functioning retards like Cuauhtemoc Blanco, a proven franchise player goes unapproached.  While Dave Checketts implores his team to win for their survival, he won’t dig deep for a player who would all but guarantee a play-off appearance.  Marketing meets tight pockets, meets no incentive for success, and everyone loses.

Hard to know how this will end, but as someone with a genuine desire to see MLS succeed, coupled with a strong distaste for the financial structuring of the league, I sincerely hope the Joseph situation degenerates further.  Fledgling leagues have to fight a number of issues, and labor-relations is one of them.  MLS will improve not only by increasing receipts, raising the level of play, and winning trophies, but by expanding players’ rights.  It’s a neglected aspect thus far, and one that could cost the league dearly in the very near future.

Plus, Joseph missed 5 games last year with an injury he received in a bar.  According to my bylaws, this makes him my favorite player in the MLS.  Rooting for you, Shalrie.

March 20 - 2007 

I follow English football pretty closely, but I had to go to Wikipedia to learn about the Unibond Premier League:

The Northern Premier League, known in recent years as the UniBond League under a title sponsorship contract, is one of the regional English football leagues which sits directly below the Football Conference. Due to restructuring, from 2005 onwards its champions have been promoted to the Conference North division rather than the Conference National as was previously the case.

So at one league below Conference National, that would make the NPL…uh…6 steps below the Premiership. 

Surely that’s a long row to hoe, but by increasing league revenue, teams can make the jump to Conference North with an improved chance of survival.  And what better way to raise revenue than a transvestite sturdily built woman in bra and panties directing you to the league’s website?  (Probably NSFW…but no more offensive than the love-child of Tootsie and When Harry Met Sally.)

Good God.  I can’t see proud clubs like Frickley Athletic, Leek Town, and Sheepshed Dynamo signing off on such a thing.  But then again, Premiership riches beckon.

Note:  Apparently Wigan Athletic won the NPL in ‘74-’75…so there’s that.