February 14 - 2007

Generally speaking, this day is crap. This clip, though, will warm the heart of anyone this side of Joey Barton.

February 13 - 2007

“And the PR people said unto the journalists, ‘We are entering into a partnership with a top European club. Now lap it up, Injuns.’ And lo, how the journalists lapped it up.” -MLS Marketing Bible

Yes, the media have come running and lines are out the door to give the Colorado-Arsenal deal the proverbial reach-around. But is anyone stopping to ask themselves, “Is it possible that partnering with major European clubs is not the pinnacle of MLS existence? Are there negatives to go with the positives in these transatlantic marriages of convenience?” Hmmm…

• Perceived Positive: The partnership with Arsenal provides MLS with greater credibility on a world stage. I mean, if Arsenal sees fit to invest in America, there must be something there. Right?
• Largely Ignored Negative: Not a single dollar will change hands, so this is hardly an investment. Arsenal stand to gain exposure in an untapped US market by doing nothing more than allowing the Rapids to paste their name on sign boards and camp brochures. Frankly, the “deal” makes us on this side of the pond look a bit desperate for attention.
• Perceived Positive: Soccer fans know Arsenal and associate them with success at the highest level of the game. By joining Arsenal with the Rapids, a positive association is made, ultimately increasing the Rapids’ appeal.
• Largely Ignored Negative: I hate Arsenal, and a lot of other people do too. For decades they built a reputation as the most boring team in English football, and that only changed after they purged their squad of native players and brought in high-priced, foreign cheaters. It’s not all candy and flowers when you invite a club like Arsenal into your bed.
• Perceived Positive: Arsenal will use the Rapids as a feeder club, like they do with clubs in Belgium and West Africa.
• Largely Ignored Negative: With current rules regarding work permit requirements, any player grown and developed by the Rapids will need to be a multi-capped member of the National Team to work for Arsenal. There will be no trials, no reserve action, and no contract for any Rapids player that doesn’t fit that mold. So where’s the “feed?” It doesn’t exist.
• Perceived Positive: Arsenal will groom young talent by loaning them to Colorado.
• Largely Ignored Negative: Foreign player restrictions enacted by MLS make this scenario nearly impossible. Colorado would have to use a player alotment to bring an Arsenal player in, and Arsenal is unlikely to send a player that would merit such an allotment.
• Perceived Positive: “The establishment of this innovative strategic relationship will result in an exchange of best practices.” -Arsenal Official Statement
• Largely Ignored Negative: Let’s hope these best practices don’t extend to team discipline. Arsenal are consistently among the worst behaved squads in England (here, here, and here), and Colorado share a similar reputation in MLS (here and here). Dare I say they deserve each other?

In the end, these deals are probably harmless, but that makes them no less annoying. MLS teams would be well advised to build fan-bases through fielding competitive teams and pouring liberal amounts of cheap beer. Trying to graft an aura of importance onto their clubs (which currently seem to have a nice, natural momentum) reeks of desperation. And Gooner scum.

February 12 - 2007

For stadiums which didn’t meet the new standards laid out by Italian football, it was a very, very quiet weekend. In a roundabout way, however, these events can only foster greater understanding: Fiorentina players now know what it’s like to play for the Kansas City Wizards.

It took me until the whistle to realize the audio hadn’t gone missing.

Update: Is that Adrian Mutu in the stands? Apparently the new stadium rules don’t ban the sniffy-sniffy.

February 12 - 2007

42 points. 42 points. The most any team had ever earned on their way down to the Championship. I remember standing in front of the television, tears in my eyes, applauding my beloved Hammers as they waved goodbye to the Upton Park faithful. Yes, they were going down, but they were going down in style.

This year, the Hammers will be going down again, but with more of a Britney Spears feel to it. They are an absolute mess. If quality were panties, they too would be gracing the tabloid pages with all angles of their undercarriage exposed.

Rather than try and sum up the profound sadness and disgust I’m feeling, I’ll let commenters on the very excellent fan site Knees Up Mother Brown do it for me. As always, the KUMB-forum doubles as both West Ham pulse-checker and creative Cockney swearing guide.

We lost to faaaaaaacking Watford. It is over. - K-R-C

Curbishley can go f*ck off as can that spineless maggott (Etherington), that useless c*nt (Zamora), and the new Lomas (Quashie). Sick of all things West Ham at the moment. -Marky

Someone tell etherington that the white line means off because the cu*t keeps running it out of play. -reo_coker20

The fans. None of the other f*ckwads deserve the steam off my sh*t. -Tonka Tonka (in reference to ‘Who should be Hammer of the Year?’)

Ahhhh…East London poetry.

February 9 -2007

Lukey the Czech was once hit by a flying plate of Nachos while at a US-Mexico game in the late ’90s. I can only assume, then, he was happy with this past week’s result. And a happy Czech, makes for happy picks.

Last week’s matches were fairly uneventful in terms of Lukey’s bankroll, and he now sits at a comfortable $139.64 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers). Let’s see if Lukey can channel his nacho revenge satisfaction into some winners, after the jump. (more…)

February 9 - 2007

By now you’ve probably heard about the brawl riot that broke out in the middle of a friendly between the Chinese Olympic Team and Queens Park Rangers reserves. The video is everything it promised to be, chock full of ninja kicks, body slams, and a white guy running away.

February 8 - 2007

From the beginning, I thought it best to “short” the stock of Landon Donovan. When he was “the best player in the world” at the U-17 World Cup, I thought to myself, “Yeah, and he’s also a grown man. When everyone else’s pubes fill out, he’ll be just another player.” Even after Donovan’s surprise contribution to the successes of 2002 , I remained unimpressed - a couple of poached goals and a lucky deflection does not a legend make. I was also willing to predict the egg he laid in Germany. Since, I’ve been more than happy to kick Donovan while he’s down.

But on the strength of last night’s goal against Mexico, I’m rethinking my position on Landycakes.

The goal that changed it for me, and a quick analysis:

'

• Every Mexican on Earth spent their morning complaining about how the referee obstructed play. This ignores the fact that the mystery Mexican defender tried to pass the ball through the referee’s tibia. Stop whining, and pass the Tapatio.
• Donovan picks up an excellent pass from Clark ,and Johnson correctly spins out wide to offer an option. Donovan, showing great awareness, recognizes the remaining Mexican defenders are flat and pushes the ball in behind them.
• Off to the races. Donovan shows remarkable turn of foot, leaving the Mexican defenders 5 yards behind him in the span of only 15 yards.
• Donovan starts looking back over his shoulder at the defenders. When I saw this live I almost kicked over my television; I thought he was looking for someone else to give the ball too. After watching the replay, though, I realized he’s actually putting an elaborate fake on goalkeeper Oswaldo Sanchez. It pushes Sanchez to his left, and gives space for Donovan to go by him with ease. Brilliant.
• Oswaldo Sanchez tries to spear Eddie Johnson after the goal. Dirty, Sanchez, dirty.

And now for my change in attitude: I contend Landon Donovan has been oversold as an “impact player” by Nike, MLS, and the US Soccer Federation. Their motives for doing so were purely selfish. They needed a star player for endorsements, identity, and branding; Donovan was the closest thing they could find. They attached labels to him, thrust him into the spotlight, and artificially inflated expectations.

Clearly, the reality has not lived up to the fantasy. Donovan is not, and will not be, the engine of the US team. He often lacks vision, does not strike the ball particularly well, and has little (if any) physical presence. His mental toughness is that of a Japanese school girl. The pace and direction of a game will never be dictated by him, a la Claudio Reyna.

And you know what? That’s ok. Because for all he isn’t, he can be an extremely dangerous player. He needs to drift on the periphery of the game, finding space to use his considerable pace. His 10-15 minute disappearing acts, while maddening if we are to consider him the savior of American soccer, are excusable if we call him what he is: a bit-player prone to ineffectual stretches book-ended by moments of brilliance. And kind of a pussy.

In that light, Landycakes is far more tolerable. Sure, his obsession with comfort might rankle, but who am I to tell a dynamically talented, chronically undependable member of the US National Team what to do? It’s not like he’s the next savior of American soccer or anything.

Finally, I can let go of some of my anger, and shift it to a more worthy receptacle. Say…Chris Albright.

February 7 - 2007

Yep. That is a hot dog inside a burrito. And what better metaphor for this clash between two neighbors who share so much, yet remain so different.*

*The word “different,” in this case, referring to attitudes of permissiveness towards the “donkey show.”

Early reports out of AZ contain the words, “sell-out crowd,” and I’m fairly excited to see what tonight’s atmosphere will be like. More so, I’m looking forward to seeing what (if anything) the national team has learned since their debacle of last summer. (more…)

February 7 - 2007

Some questions to ponder before tonight’s match:

Isn’t this a meaningless friendly? Both coaches are trying hard to make a good first impression. Hugo Sanchez has called in most of his European-based players for what will be his coaching debut, while Bob Bradley is hoping a victory over the tricolor will bring him one step closer to dropping the “interim” from his title. Throw in pre-match ticket sales of over 40,000, a stadium in a border town, a primetime TV slot…and we might just have ourselves a clasico.

Will the US be crap? Probably, but there’s reason enough to hope. Bradley has recalled Carlos Bocanegra, Bobby Convey, Clint Dempsey (Holla!), and Tim Howard from Prem duty. Add to this list the Denmark success stories of Bornstein, Clark, and Mapp. That leaves Donovan, Albright, and Mastroeni to either spoil it, or stay out of the way. Only time will tell.

Is tonight’s game the first step on the way to the 2014 World Cup? If you are a frequent reader of American soccer journalism, you may already be familiar with Greg Lalas’ writing delusional babble. His most recent article declares the dark period of US soccer over, and says of the Denmark match,

“that win was so impressive and got me so jazzed about the U.S. national team again, that I truly believe that the likes of Justin Mapp, Jonathan Bornstein and Ricardo Clark can take this team to unprecedented levels. They’re going to seriously challenge for the World Cup in 2014.”

I, for one, am looking forward to Greg’s latest real-estate article on how now is the time to invest in Baghdad vacation properties.

Will there be food? Though not playing in today’s “unfriendly,” Kikin Fonseca has an important message for you all: “No le metas autogol a Mexico. No Comas Tortuga!” For those who took the French option in high school (pussies), this translates to “Don’t score an own-goal on Mexico. Don’t Eat Sea Turtles.”

The campaign is part of a joint effort involving numerous local and multinational environmental organizations, and is aimed at reducing illegal turtle harvest on Mexican beaches. Shells for decoration, meat for soup, turtles nearing extinction…you know the drill. But digging a little deeper I found something that surprised me: part of the issue is that sea turtle eggs are harvested for their, ahem, anti-erectile dysfunction properties. In addition to Fonseca, a handful of hot, Mexican models are appearing in parallel posters exclaiming, “Mi Hombre No Necesita Huevos de Tortuga.” To which I would counter: “If your hombre needed turtle huevos, he sure as hell wouldn’t tell you about it; he’d just eat the f-ing things and you’d be none-the-wiser.” Erectile dysfunction vs. biodiversity is no contest.

February 6 - 2007

Whereas I had to dig deep to find reasons to hate Denmark (i.e. Soren Kierkegaard and his half-ass, Christian existentialism), I have no such trouble when it comes to Mexico. As an American soccer fan, hating Mexico is in my blood. It’s what I do.

Tomorrow, February 7th, the US National Team will face Mexico in Tuscon, Arizona (9et on ESPN). Lou Dobbs will fume, the Minutemen will bitterly sip Mountain Dew, and my father-in-law will say something mildly offensive about America being for white people Americans. I, on the other hand, will be liveblogging the event from an undisclosed location deep within Mexifornia, enjoying a carnitas taco. Immensely.

The Denmark liveblog went down pretty much as expected: I poked at the keyboard, made some jokes about Arena’s man-boobs, and found the action in the comments section to be twice as entertaining. God willing, we’ll all make it happen again tomorrow.