Bellamy tees off

February 19 - 2007

Craig Bellamy has been in good form recently despite lacking a neck. Lacking a brain, however, appears to be catching up with him.

Quoting an “inside source,” Fox Sports reports that Liverpool players were unwinding by way of karaoke contest following their training camp in Portugal. Bellars took the stage and began to pester the chronically shy John Arne Riise for refusing to sing. The “source” goes on to say,

“It started off as a bit of a lark with some of the other lads having a go but then it got completely out of hand. John went ballistic because Craig wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was screaming at Craig to leave him alone, saying he wouldn’t do it and yelling insults.

“Everyone was completely stunned by it because they were really having a go, standing there toe to toe swearing at each other. There were about 20 players in the bar including all the senior guys, like Steven Gerrard, Peter Crouch and Dirk Kuyt.

“They were warned to keep a lid on it and it appeared to calm down.

It was really late, about 2am, and the players eventually started drifting off to bed. But Craig, who was sharing with Steve Finnan, was so wound up he couldn’t sleep.

“He suddenly grabbed a golf club and went looking for John. And when he found him he waded in, hacking at his legs with the club.

“All hell was let loose and John suffered a lot of bruising. Craig was out of control and shouting that John had belittled him in front of the lads.”

And when a neckless man is belittled in front of the lads, he’ll reach for a 9-iron. Every. Time.

Liverpool had taken a risk bringing Bellamy in last summer, and the risk appeared to be paying off. But now the club must be in full regret mode, wondering why they didn’t heed the warning signs including, but not limited to,

1. Bellamy being cautioned by magistrates in 2002 for hitting a 20 year-old woman in a nightclub.
2. Bellamy being charged (and later acquitted) with aggravated assault for choking a teenage woman in a nightclub.
3. Bellamy throwing a chair at Newcastle United assistant, John Carver.
4. Bellamy harassing Alan Shearer via text message, saying, “Your legs are gone. You’re too old. You’re too slow. You couldn’t even kiss my arse.”
5. Bellamy confronting Terry McDermott in the tunnel before a match, causing Mcdermott to brand him a “little upstart.”
6. Bellamy repeatedly showing up for training, games, and team meetings with no neck. Which I firmly believe is as much a character issue as an anatomical one.

To make matters worse for the Reds, three others were briefly detained by police and may also suffer sanctions from the club. Which three? Jerzy Dudek, Jermaine Pennant, and Robbie Fowler, of course. And really, how else can a night out involving a Polish goalkeeper, a convicted felon, and a career drunk end? The only thing missing from that picture is an Argentine transfer who thinks he plays for the “Red Devils.”

At least Liverpool don’t have any important matches coming up.