February 28 - 2007

After an absolute drilling at Charlton, West Ham are now assured of going down. I can’t believe I just typed that sentence.

Allow me to restate my position on relegation as a practice: it rules. It’s the single greatest invention in sports history. While other leagues hang there heads in shame as the Cleveland Browns take on the Arizona Cardinals, or the Boston Celtics lock horns with the Atlanta Hawks, Wigan vs. Sheffield United (on the final day of the season) will be one of the most anticipated games of the season. Relegation turns crap into gold.

That being said, watching West Ham go down for the second time in 4 years will be soul-crushing. The impending fire-sale, the eventual transfer requests, the recriminations…truly heart-wrenching stuff. And it’s even worse as an American fan. Following a team in the Championship, from a distance, is one of Dante’s lower circles of hell. It stinks. No televised games, 3-second highlights on Sky Sports, live-match reports on Tuesday afternoons…

Plus there’s no guarantee West Ham will be coming back up anytime soon. The Championship must be considered among the most difficult leagues on the planet, and regardless of the players you drag in there with you, getting back up can be an elusive charge. I’m sure Leeds fans were positive they’d bounce right back; last time I checked, they had a dwarf for a coach, a mole in the dressing room, and one foot in League One. In Leeds-like fashion, West Ham have spent a lot of cash on their way down, and it’s possible they’ll have a Leeds-like stay in the Coca-Cola.

So I must ask myself: Am I prepared to support a team playing outside the Premiership indefinitely?

I just don’t know. 4 years ago, I viewed following the Hammers down as a point of pride. In truth, it probably had a lot more to do with proving a point to my new wife: I stick, baby. When she made fun of me for supporting a team that was so bad “they got kicked out of the league,” I had an easy and romantically useful retort: “Because that’s the kind of man I am. When you someday get kicked out of the League of Hot 20-40 Year-Olds, I’ll still be there, singing your praises and buying both your home and away jersey.”

It is, however, a deeply flawed analogy. I like my wife a great deal more than I like West Ham. I would never call my wife “useless shit-for-brains,” yet I call Paul Konchesky that all the time. I would never beat my wife, yet I fantasize about laying into Matt Etherington with a tire-iron. I’d never cheat on my wife, yet I find myself daydreaming about Moritz Volz, Jimmy Bullard, and cottages. Clearly, my relationship with West Ham is unhealthy.

In the end, life is probably too short to follow teams in the Championship, and so I’m going to be giving my status as a West Ham fan some serious thought. I’m not from East London, the team have sold or benched all my favorite players, and they’re crap to watch. Next year, crappy or good, I won’t get to watch at all. What exactly are the positives here?

Right now I can’t find any. I won’t do anything rash, but still…I feel like I just broke up with a longtime girlfriend, and now I’m on the prowl to bang any slut of a club that comes my way. Fulham have been wearing a particularly short mini of late, and I might just have to hit that back at the Cottage. Portsmouth, maybe. Even Reading are starting to look good, for Chrissake.

I should probably sleep on it.

February 27 - 2007

Type “Harry Redknapp” into the youtube search engine and you can entertain yourself for hours. This one’s not new, but it’s certainly one of the best. So classic.

February 23 -2007

Lukey the Czech’s on a nice run, and he’s back up above the $150 mark for the first time since early fall (whereupon MLS derailed his World Cup gravy-train). Going into this weekend, Lukey sits at $155.64 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers).

Join Lukey for picks that smell faintly of warm pilsner, grilled bratwurst, and stripper perfume. (more…)

February 23 - 2007

The week endeth, and the bullet points shall be summoned:

• The Bellamy celebration really got me thinking, “Was it the most ridiculous of all time?” Well, in terms of blatant display of jack-assity, it has to be considered in the top 3. Throw Paul Gascoignes’s loyalist flute playing in at #3 and, of course, Robbie Fowler’s line-sniffing is a distant, distant first. Somehow I think Bellamy won’t rest until he locks up #1. Good luck with that.
• I have had a TIVO for 10 months now. I have it set to record anything with “MLS” in the title. I have never watched a single of these recorded games. Until Yesterday. The CD-Olimpia fans were in full voice, the stadium and field had that oh-so foreign look, and Christian Gomez was fantastic. In earlier postings I had slighted the CONCACAF Champions Cup, but I’m warming up to it. Now only if it were a qualifier for the Copa Libertadores…
• La Liga has a new fat Brazilian, and his name is Ronaldinho. Ronnie might want to lay off the feed-bag.
• A video came through my email that reminded me of the fantastic talent that was is Diego Maradona: Maradona-Messi vs. Tevez-And Some Old Guy in soccer tennis. Maradona is by far the best player on the court. Amazing.
• Some 11 hours from now we’ll know if West Ham are definitely going down, or just going down in all likelihood. With a new coach and new owner having shelved my favorite players (Gabbidon and Mullins), I’m wondering why I bother. But bother I will. Because this is what we do. We watch 6 pointers with f-ing Charlton, from thousands of miles of way, screaming at the television, destroying the last shred of respect our wives have for us. Apparently.
• One more mildly amusing vid to take us into the weekend. Please welcome, Rafa The Magnificent.

February 22 - 2007

The Liverpool-Barca scoreline pretty much confirms there is a God, and He has a particularly good sense of humor. Deco opened the scoring for Barca. Liverpool equalized through Karaoke-terror, Craig Bellamy, then took the lead through Bellamy’s golf-club beating victim, John Arne Riise. But that’s not even the best part.

Yep, Bellamy celebrated by swinging a golf club. Days after beating Riise with a 9-iron for refusing to sing in a Karaoke contest, he reenacts the incident during a moment of immense importance for his club. Bellamy is a high-functioning retard.

Normally, I’d think new owners George Gillet and Tom Hicks would be shocked to find they have such a man on their roster…but then I am reminded of the fact they are hockey owners. Par for the course, if you will.

February 21 - 2007

With the Champions League resuming yesterday, this seems like a perfect opportunity to induct a new member of the blogroll hall of fame. 101 Great Goals not only takes its name from a copyrighted video series, but makes copyright violation its stock and trade. And who benefits? You and I, of course. Within hours of any important (and some unimportant) matches, 101 has posted delightfully short game summaries complete with clickable links to video highlights.

Case in point: today I awoke to much ado about Ryan Giggs “controversial” free-kick. Having not seen the game, I called on 101 for the following clip.

And now I see what the controversy is about: absolutely nothing. Unless you find the fact that Lille are a pack of douche-rocket whiners controversial.

February 20 - 2007

Not all footballers are writing self-fellatiating autobiographies while barely one-third of the way through their career. Some are writing quality musings for periodicals and interweb publication. When I find the latter, I’ll post ‘em.

• Moritz Volz is making it increasingly difficult for me not to become a Fulham fan. In his latest article for the London Times, Volz displays a charitable disposition, a penchant for self deprecation, and a rapist rapier wit. And I didn’t even think Germans could be funny.
• Brian Ching reveals the Dynamo have housed themselves according to distinct cultural indicators. If I am ever, for some apocalyptic purpose, placed on the Dynamo roster, please (please!) put me in the grumpy old men house. (link courtesy DuNord)
• David James waxes geriatric about his intent to play until he dies on the pitch.

February 19 - 2007

Craig Bellamy has been in good form recently despite lacking a neck. Lacking a brain, however, appears to be catching up with him.

Quoting an “inside source,” Fox Sports reports that Liverpool players were unwinding by way of karaoke contest following their training camp in Portugal. Bellars took the stage and began to pester the chronically shy John Arne Riise for refusing to sing. The “source” goes on to say,

“It started off as a bit of a lark with some of the other lads having a go but then it got completely out of hand. John went ballistic because Craig wouldn’t take no for an answer. He was screaming at Craig to leave him alone, saying he wouldn’t do it and yelling insults.

“Everyone was completely stunned by it because they were really having a go, standing there toe to toe swearing at each other. There were about 20 players in the bar including all the senior guys, like Steven Gerrard, Peter Crouch and Dirk Kuyt.

“They were warned to keep a lid on it and it appeared to calm down.

It was really late, about 2am, and the players eventually started drifting off to bed. But Craig, who was sharing with Steve Finnan, was so wound up he couldn’t sleep.

“He suddenly grabbed a golf club and went looking for John. And when he found him he waded in, hacking at his legs with the club.

“All hell was let loose and John suffered a lot of bruising. Craig was out of control and shouting that John had belittled him in front of the lads.”

And when a neckless man is belittled in front of the lads, he’ll reach for a 9-iron. Every. Time.

Liverpool had taken a risk bringing Bellamy in last summer, and the risk appeared to be paying off. But now the club must be in full regret mode, wondering why they didn’t heed the warning signs including, but not limited to,

1. Bellamy being cautioned by magistrates in 2002 for hitting a 20 year-old woman in a nightclub.
2. Bellamy being charged (and later acquitted) with aggravated assault for choking a teenage woman in a nightclub.
3. Bellamy throwing a chair at Newcastle United assistant, John Carver.
4. Bellamy harassing Alan Shearer via text message, saying, “Your legs are gone. You’re too old. You’re too slow. You couldn’t even kiss my arse.”
5. Bellamy confronting Terry McDermott in the tunnel before a match, causing Mcdermott to brand him a “little upstart.”
6. Bellamy repeatedly showing up for training, games, and team meetings with no neck. Which I firmly believe is as much a character issue as an anatomical one.

To make matters worse for the Reds, three others were briefly detained by police and may also suffer sanctions from the club. Which three? Jerzy Dudek, Jermaine Pennant, and Robbie Fowler, of course. And really, how else can a night out involving a Polish goalkeeper, a convicted felon, and a career drunk end? The only thing missing from that picture is an Argentine transfer who thinks he plays for the “Red Devils.”

At least Liverpool don’t have any important matches coming up.

February 16 - 2007

Predictably, the announcement of the Galaxy-Beckham deal caused much wailing and gnashing of teeth among hardcore Beckham haters. Media-members came out from every rock to denounce the deal as “style over substance,” “an insult to football,” and “proof the MLS is part of the gay agenda.” *

But recent events may force naysayers to reevaluate their anti-Golden Balls stance. First, Fabio Capello reneged on his promise to never allow Becks to play for Real again. Then, validating his manager’s faith and making him look like an ass in the process, Beckham scored a game winning goal. Check the video and ask yourself: “Does Becks has the support of the dressing room?”

Uhhh, yeah. And now this: Fabio Capello has tipped Beckham to rejoin the English national team, saying,

“He’s always behaved like a great professional. Of course it all depends on the England coach, but he could do good things for England….(His return for Real Madrid) has had a very positive effect because of the way he played and because of the enthusiasm and seriousness he has always demonstrated.”

Before we get carried away, let’s tap the brakes: as long as Steve McClaren is in charge, a call-up will remain unlikely. His stint as manager began with a purge of all things Beckham, and recalling the midfielder would be akin to McClaren admitting his entire direction was wrong from the outset. Still, you might be hard pressed to find fair-minded folks who don’t think Becks deserves a recall, including yours truly.

Of course, the Beckham resurgence is all good news for MLS. The league must have feared Beckham would crash his way into a Galaxy uniform, arriving on a last chance train from European football. Instead, they’ll be getting a player who earned his way back into one of Europe’s most storied clubs and gained much respect doing it. Furthermore, Beckham’s recovery will make it easier for other top talents to come to America closer to their prime. The Figos and Ronaldos of the world may be left feeling like they missed the boat, while the Henrys will look west a tad earlier than they otherwise might have.

So what more could MLS ask for at the moment? How ’bout a Posh repolishing. An aspect of Beckham’s fame has always owed itself to his and Victoria’s union, and America loves a power couple as much as the next culture. We do however, want our celebrity wives to repress their anorexia just enough to give the appearance of being healthy. And Posh (or the “death of football,” as one German put it) seems to be losing that battle. In fact, I sometimes think I can hear her body futilely trying to digest her saline implants.

Here’s hoping she comes to LA, falls in love with carnitas tacos, and gains 14 pounds in all her very right places.

*Didn’t actually read this, and can’t confirm it was ever written. As if that will stop me quoting it.

February 15 - 2003

According to Bob Bradley, the US will need to prioritize which international tournament it tries to win this summer. The decision? How ’bout sending a “B” team to play Argentina, Columbia, and Paraguay in the Copa America, while keeping the big guns fresh in order to face the French Region of Guadaloupe in the Gold Cup. (Good news, I suppose, if you happen to hold a grudge against Guadaloupe for their…er…um…actually there’s no reason to hate Guadaloupe. Sorry.)

I’ll grant the Copa America and Gold Cup fall too closely together for the national team to challenge for both, but you’d have to come up with a pretty damn compelling reason why the US wouldn’t throw their weight behind a South American cup-run. Jeff Carlisle at Soccernet went looking for such a reason, and found this:

The opportunity to play in South Africa at the Confederations Cup will not only provide the U.S. with three more competitive games, but it will give the USSF a chance to work out any logistical kinks one year ahead of the World Cup.

Oh, that explains it; we need to be sure the Cape Town Ritz Carlton has an adequate continental breakfast. With no fewer than 22 blueberries per muffin. And that the shuttle from the practice fields to the hotel comes every half hour, rather than every 45 minutes. Vital stuff.

Clearly, this isn’t Bradley’s doing; an interim coach would never be allowed to make a decision of this magnitude. So who did? I’ll wager my unborn child it was everyone’s favorite pencil-pushing uber-nerd, Sunil Gulati. He’s the reason the US first team will be playing cushy games at home against the same old CONCAcrap, rather than getting hit in the head with bottles of Venezuelan rum in games that actually matter.

What’s ultimately at stake here is World Cup preparedness; it’s just that an Economics professor will have a different definition of “preparedness” than will someone who knows the first thing about football. If the US hopes to compete in the world’s largest international tournament, it might be a good idea to cut your teeth in the world’s third largest international tournament. How this escapes even nerdfest Gulati is beyond me.

In all likelihood, the decision probably has more to do with federation sponsors demanding US Soccer field a top team for an event on US soil. So while Chris Albright will take on Lionel Messi, Steve Cherundolo will take on Rando Honduran in an event sponsored by Sierra Mist. Well pardon me if I say so, Professor Gulati, but you need to stop making decisions with your economics brain, and check to see if you’ve got some balls hidden under those poorly tailored trousers. If you happen to find some, give ‘em a good rapping and send our best boys down to South America.

The “logistics” in South Africa will likely be a crap-storm anyway, so we might as well be prepared for what goes down on the field. OK, Nerdy?