January 17 – 2007

Because you need some distraction while slowly wasting away in your cubicle:

• God reveals himself in different ways to different people. Some receive visions of the Virgin Mary in a tortilla, others acquire the ability to speak in tongues. Me? Twice in two days, players with “dong” in their name have appeared in Soccernet headlines. Today, it’s Man U’s latest loan returnee, Dong Fangzhou, earning the headline “Dong given all-clear to play for Man Utd.” Yesterday, it was Boro’s transfer target, Lee Dong-Gook, inspiring “Middlesbrough close in on capture of Dong-Gook.” Fantastic work, God.
• Liverpool are hoping FIFA will grant them a variance allowing Javier Mascherano to play for three teams in one season. Ostensibly their argument is that he doesn’t play for West Ham, which seems about right. The question of why Liverpool would want to sign the guy, though, is beyond me. His handful of appearances have been marked by wet-noodle tackles, poor technique, and an utter lack of vision. When I have my recurring nightmare about being thrust into a game beyond my talents, I play like Javier Mascherano but fatter. Good luck with that, Liverpool.
• The volume of Beckham news flooding the tubes is breathtaking. Look hard enough, though, and there’s some truly beautiful crap among the maelstrom. The Daily Mirror, for example, has printed excerpts of an interview with Frank Yallop’s wife regarding the arrival of Becks emaciated other half, Victoria. Mrs. Yallop goes to great lengths to relay the “down to Earth” nature of Galaxy wives, as if $35,000 a year and a one bedroom apartment in El Segundo will bring you anywhere else. Plus you get the somewhat desperate offer of “I’ll cook bangers and mash for Posh!” I’m starting to think that the Beckhams coming to the Galaxy will be like dropping Paris Hilton into a West African Pygmy village.
• If you haven’t already, check out the highlights of Ramon Calderon’s attack on Real players, Real fans, Beckham, The LA Galaxy, small puppies, and old people.
• I’m not even going to type something here. I just won’t.

January 16 – 2007

You’re no doubt familiar with Jose Mourinho’s methods of dealing with problem players: alienate them, let the situation boil down to an own-goal threat, swap them to a rival for someone who actually scores own-goals, whine about the hole the move has left in your lineup, repeat.

Fabio Capello, apparently an under-study of “The Special One,” has hung not one but two players out to dry this week: David Beckham and Ronaldo. Of Beckham, Capello has said, “The decision of the player is to go to Los Angeles, he has always been a great professional, but a player who has such an important contract with another club, we cannot count on him. He is not going to play any more.” Of Capello’s attitude towards Ronaldo, club president Ramon Calderon claimed, “he is going to be inactive because the coach has made it clear he doesn’t count on him, and it would surely be better for the club and him if he went if there are offers.”

To declare a player persona non grata isn’t unheard of, but usually demands the player do something truly unforgivable. Craig Bellamy was given a “not welcome” slip at Newcastle, but only after sending abusive text messages to Alan Shearer. Beckham and Ronaldo? The former is out of contract at the summer, the latter is…well…fat. Hardly the the stuff of excommunication.

Providing frame of reference here is the very excellent example of Frank Rijkaard and Henrik Larsson. Larsson signed a sentimental contract with his home club, Helsingborg, at roughly this time last year. Rijkaard, ever the pragmatist, reserved judgment on Larsson’s future at the club. Come May, Larsson came on as a substitute in the Champions League final to turn the match in Barca’s favor, helping them past Arsenal and into history.

Rijkaard hasn’t been silent on Capello’s stance, saying, “In theory I wouldn’t sideline the player. You always have to look to the interests of the team…Everyone wants to win things and if a player has a contract he can still keep on working.”

If Rijkaard’s approach seems to be self-evident, it’s because it is. Treating Beckham and Ronaldo so dismissively cuts down Capello’s options, and even if the manager can’t possibly envision a situation whereby he would need these fading stars, the laws of probability assure such a situation exists. Or, if you like, Macgyver never threw away a gum wrapper.

Where, then, is all this shoot-from-the-hip rage coming from? Power may corrupt, but it’s cash that turns managers to shit. Let’s call it the “David O’Leary Construct.” Managers rely on intellect and experience to generate wins…then, as purse strings loosen, real estate magnates assume the presidency, or Russian oligarchs purchase the team, an easier way becomes available: buy better players. With no end to the resources in sight, new blood becomes the answer to every problem. Tactical adjustments, training ground tweaks, and formation realignments go out the window.

I’ve mentioned the phenomena in relation to Mourinho’s journey from Portuguese miracle worker to glorified shopper, and it seems Capello has followed the same path. Madrid’s transfer policy is such that no player is unbuyable, and this leads to the type of “fantasy management” a 13 year-old with a Playstation and Fifa ‘07 would be proud of.

How, then, can these managers be rehabilitated? Mourinho looks to be on his way out of Stamford Bridge, and unless Real snap him up, he’ll be put on a comparative diet wherever he ends up. Capello? He’s in the deepest throes of O’Learyitis, and at that point only one thing will do: the John Sitton treatment.

For those that don’t know, the Sitton treatment is a video series aimed at saving managers from their spendaholic habits by showing them another way. “When results go poorly,” Sitton says, “don’t buy more expensive players; scream at the ones you have.” Observe (R rated):

Take two of those, Fabio, and call me in the morning.

Update: Capello may be backtracking on his Beckham ban.

January 16 – 2007

With the popularity of “addiction to pain killers explained away as exhaustion” fading, and “adopted Iraqi child” still a few months off, “Premiership squad to support” is the must-have celebrity accessory of the moment. Renee Zelwegger and Chelsea…Spike Lee and the Arsenal…Bill Simmons and Spurs…the list goes on.

What celebrity, though, could handle the life-beating doled out regularly by Everton? You guessed it:

And yes, Everton have an Adrienne to complete the set: Adrian “Inchy” Heath.

January 12 – 2007

With all the craziness accompanying Beckhampalooza, isn’t it nice to know some things never change? It’s Friday, we’re only hours away from some hot Prem action, and Lukey the Czech has banged out some pilsner-fueled picks for your approval.

Lukey had a holiday dip, but he’s trending upwards. He currently maintains a profit of $142.92 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers). His picks are after the jump. (more…)

January 12 – 2007

A quick roundup of what’s being said over the tubes about the Beckhams coming to Carson:

• SI’s Grant Wahl goes all starry eyed and conjures a fantasy whereby “The image of Beckham sending crosses onto the head of Landon Donovan for goals…will be replayed on televisions around the world.” In theory, Donovan would need to be marked by Mauricio Cienfuegos for this to happen.
• CNN offers up the boilerplate for every mainstream media article you’ll read about Beckham for the next 3 months. TomKat…sex-appeal…star quality…yada yada yada.
• Reuters reveals that the major financial player behind the deal is Creative Artists Agency. And if you don’t know who that is, just imagine a bunch of Ari Gold clones but shorter.
• How does the average American sports fan feel about the deal? Withleather.com sums up the zeitgeist thus: “The word on the street is that he’s going to play for the LA Galaxy of MLS, but let’s be honest: I’m just (posting) this so you can get some good pics of Vicki’s pneumatic half-grapefruits.” No dishonor in that.

I myself still haven’t quite wrapped my head around the deal, but I know these things:

• The Beckham bashing that’s accompanying the move to MLS is truly absurd. I keep reading about how the guy isn’t fast enough, doesn’t have the commitment, can’t tackle, etc. Listen, he’s always done one thing well, and one thing only: strike balls. And Lord what a ball striker he is. I’ve yet to see the player who crosses a better ball, and isn’t that enough? No one bitches that Picasso couldn’t sing.
• Still, not one of the pieces I’ve read mentions whether the deal will make the Galaxy better. And shouldn’t that really be the point? All this talk about asses in seats, shirts in shopping bags, and haircuts in commercials is yet more evidence MLS has a seriously problem with competitive relevancy. No one’s talking about league placings because no one gives a shit.
• Every story on Beckham is accompanied by a photo of Victoria, and I must say: for every day she looks like an absolute stunner, she turns in a day as a ghoulish apparition of ugly. I’ll take a lower mean with less deviation, please.
• Finally, I had been weighing the pros and cons of becoming a Galaxy fan or a Chivas USA fan, and the Becks decision has tipped me: Vamos Chivas. And not because I don’t like Beckham, but because I won’t be able to handle a stadium full of soccer-brats and their undersexed Moms drooling over a potential liability in the center of the park. Plus Chivas games have passable tortas and 24-ounce Tecates.

Also: It’s been added to the blog-roll, and I’m not sure why I didn’t do it sooner. At any rate, when stuff goes down and you wish someone else would troll through the interweb and pick out the good bits, call on Du Nord. The guy says he has a job, but I highly doubt this because everyday there are exhaustive links to important goings on in US Soccer.

January 11 – 2006

$250 million dollars. Read it again: $250 million dollars. That’s a quarter of a billion dollars. I’m speechless. My stomach hurts. I feel strangely paranoid. Like this is some sort of Kafka novel written for teenage girls. Or everything you thought was right with the world turned out to be wrong by a magnitude of 10. Holy shit.

Just to be clear, Beckham’s deal works out to about $1million per week. The current league salary cap is $1.6 million, per team, per year.

Every knob-jockey on the planet will be praising this development to the high heavens, but I can’t stop thinking about the overall quality increase MLS could have if it diffused $250 million throughout the entire league. New players added, quality players retained, higher quality players available to the USL…a relegation system, perhaps? But to spend it on a single player who doesn’t start for his current club team and will never again appear for his national team? That makes my lungs hurt.

I’m also reminded of our anonymous reader’s clash with ESPN’s Jen Chang. I’d really, really like to see The Changer crunch the numbers on a 5 year, $250million deal. Because this is fantasy land.

More later. Right now I have to go hug my kid, and explain to him what happens when you let soccer retailers, early-nineties soccer stars, and ex college soccer equipment-managers determine the future of the game in this country.

Update: MLS is footing only $400,000 per year, with AEG and Adidas picking up the remainder of the tab. Ostensibly they will recoup their investment through endorsement dollars. Think of it as business as usual + exorbitant dog and pony show. Or, if you’re Ned Grabavoy, think of it as “He makes my yearly salary in 7 hours.”

Update: An even more crystal clear breakdown of the deal. Someone is sure convinced this guy’s marketing value will stay consistent over the next 5 years.

January 11 – 2007

Hardly a day goes by, I imagine, when Man.City fans don’t ponder the following three questions:

1. Why did Shaun Wright-Phillips leave us for Chelsea?
2. Why won’t he now come back?
3. And why is there not a folk-song that simultaneously expresses our love for Shaun Wright-Phillips, conveys our feelings regarding why Chelsea is a bad fit for him, and articulates our desire to have him return to City?

Only SWP can answer the first two, but I’m happy to report that Soccernista will now put number three to rest. I give you Colin Rudd and his football ballad, Shauny Please Come Home.

January 10 – 2007

The January transfer window always lures troubled ships with Siren-like promises of quick turnarounds and renewed title-chances. Mostly, though, these ships get dashed on the rocks of rampant rumor and overvalued South Americans. Here’s a quick rundown of the first week’s action:

Loaners

• Gabor Kiraly goes to Aston Villa on loan from Crystal Palace, and takes his ridiculous sweatpants with him. I learned of this deal not by reading Soccernet, but by turning on the TV and exclaiming, “What in God’s name is Thomas Sorensen weari…wait…holy crap…it’s Gabor Kiraly!” He and the mid-eighties fleece are already paying dividends.
• Zheng Zhi goes to Charlton Athletic on loan from Shandong Luneng. If you need proof Charlton are going down, look no further than the importation of Chinese players from a team named “Shandong.”

Done Deals

• Luis Boa Morte heads to West Ham from Fulham for $10million. And what might cause a club to sell its captain? I have some conspiracy theories involving Boa Morte, sunny Portugal, and a “get-out” clause involving a one-way ticket home after the Hammers go down, but I’ll save them for another day. Bottom line: West Ham haven’t made a serious plunge into the transfer market since…errr…ever, forging nobly onward with essentially the same squad that got them out of the Championship in 2005. At this point, “Boa Morte” translates as “anyone besides Lee Bowyer, for f#ck’s sake,” and that makes me less suicidal.
• Clint Dempsey arrives in Fulham via the People’s Communist Republic of MLS. Clint himself sums up the move best:

“Its official yall heard right ya boy got the green light to go ahead. Its been a long time waiting but this move is a dream come true. Im looking forward to putting on the black and white jersey for Fulham. I appreciate all the support along the way and it goes to show grindin pays off. Im a represent to the fullest be easy and God Bless…”

• Tore Andre Flo lands at Leeds from…well…nowhere. The original Crouchy (version 1.0) is back in England and attempting to rescue Dennis Wise and his all-white bag of ineptitude from a plunge into League One football. Apply directly to the forehead.
• Anthony Stokes goes to Sunderland from Arsenal for $4million. All reports say he’s a teenage phenom, but I’ve never heard of him and now he plays for Sunderland….so…there’s that.

Rumors

• Sean Wright-Phillips remains a transfer target of West Ham (and possibly Man City), but if Chelsea were to get market-value for the winger it would represent an embarrassingly negative return on Mourinho’s investment. I love it when that happens.
• David Beckham still hasn’t signed with Real, and so we continue to call it here: he’s maneuvering his way to a free transfer to MLS in the summer. If he resigns or transfers with a multi-year deal MLS will be priced out, so only a free-transfer will do.

More to come.

January 9 – 2007

In their official report on the 2006 World Cup, FIFA have declared the event a complete success…minus the amount of time wasted and potential fans turned-off by players faking injuries. Says the report,

“At this World Cup, the deplorable habit that involves players staying down for no apparent reason after minor collisions, thus causing frequent breaks in play, was increasingly in evidence.”

And by players I assume they mean Portuguese and Italians, and perhaps Ashley Cole.

As a lifelong fan I’ve become numb to the effects of fakery, and long ago lost the ability to get too worked up about it. Still, when you watch an isolated camera-shot of the practice, you realize that “injury simulation” needs to be dealt with in the harshest manner. Lest it get out of hand…

Many thanks to Mrs. Robben for sending in the archival footage of little Arjen.

January 8 – 2007

Need some nightmare fuel? Swiss figurine maker, Fanatico, brings you famed referee Pier Collina, straight from hell.

In general, Fanatico does some pretty impressive work, but the Collina model seems a bit on the evil side. From the website:

Behind those unmistakable eyes is a man who thinks over each decision with clinical precision before taking action…

Sure, if by “clinical precision” you mean “demonic possession.”