Victory!!!
January 20 - 2007
Boy, do I hate me some Danes. The egalitarian society…the clean-lined, mid-century furniture…Soren Kierkegaard…all that Danish crap. I tell you this: they (and by “they” I mean their ‘B’ national team) are cruising for a David Vanole memorial beatdown.
And I intend to liveblog the event, which comes with some inherent problems: I can barely type, I’m supposed to be watching my infant son at the precise time the game starts, and I’m not even really sure what “liveblog” means. At any rate, I’ll be throwing some stream of consciousness crap out into the internets (including the Danish one) for the sake of posterity. Here goes nothing:
12:31 ET - In an unrelated aside, West Ham have traded another 3 points for 1. Granted you can’t be unhappy when you get points at St. James’ Park, but still: another blown lead? I can almost taste the Coca-Cola.
Also, I’m eating crow this morning as Jermaine Pennant (whom I predicted would be in jail by now) and Dirk Kuyt (whom I dubbed the “greatest high-school player in the world”) helped nudge Chelsea closer to their eventual collapse. But the net result is positive - I’ll trade my credibility for Chelsea misery any day of the week and twice on Sunday.
4:53 ET - If this whole thing seems like deja vu, it’s because it is: the US met an assortment of random Danish guys at the Home Depot Center 3 years ago (nearly to the day). After consuming numerous carnitas tacos and PBR 40-ouncers in the parking lot, I joined 7,000 or so other poor souls in watching one of the most boring soccer matches ever staged. The Danes were beyond terrible, and the USMNT wasn’t much better. Regrettably, my two siblings and I spent most of the match demanding a refund from Chris Albright and Kerry Savagnin, or at least a reimbursement of our US Youth-Soccer fees. It was truly a day when the US’s lackluster approach to international friendlies was on display for all to see. We’ll see if this summer’s performance in Germany changes that reality today.
4:55 ET - If this game’s not in HD my interest will fall from “care only slightly” to “care as much as I think Eric Wynalda is awesome.”…which is to say not at all.
5:00 ET - Profiling a “zero to hero” player (Conrad, in this case) only works if the team isn’t awful. This profile is not working.
0 - No HD. Thanks for that, World Wide Leader.
1:30 - I dislike Donovan as much as the next straight guy, but maybe Arena and Wynalda should wait longer than the 2nd minute to start in on him.
5:55 - Nice collision between the goalkeeper and Jaqua. Is he our string-bean? Our Crouchie?
7:10 - Albright grows roots and is lucky the Danish Henrik Larsson fouled him. Good lord is Albright’s hair stupid.
14:00 - Arena: “If I’m the Danish team, I’m very happy right now.” If you’re the Danish team, millions of Danish citizens are shocked to learn their national team has man boobs.
16:30 - OK, now it’s time. Landon Donovan is useless. He miss-hit that long ball by 25 yards.
19:00 - Good effort from distance by Chris Rolfe. He looks like he’s 9 years-old.
26:00 - Who is this “Beckham” they speak of? His ideas intrigue me, and I wish to subscribe to his newsletter.
27:25 - I’m a big fan of Jonathan Bornstein’s work at Chivas, and it looks like his comfort level is extending to the international scene. He stepped in nicely to win a ball and immediately looked to find Jaqua up front. Contrast that with the constant adventure that is Chris Albright.
29:25 - Bornstein nearly makes me look like a genius by scoring just as I’m in the middle of praising him. Begin man-crush.
32:47 - Albright upends Simon Bousk Poulsen and receives a yellow card. This causes Arena to start in again on the refereeing in the World Cup. It really is pitiful.
35:00 - Poulsen finds Sorensen to start the Bradley-era in the red. Great cross, good header, and we’re losing to a tiny Scandinavian country shaped like a mitten.
42:00 - Ricardo Clark earns a PK. Donovan…prays…prays…shits the bed and still scores. Jesper Christiansen is no Peter Schmeichel.
Halftime - Tied at one, and not much to take away from that half.
- The Danes aren’t especially good, but they still look much, much more dangerous going forward than the US.
- The US has what you would think would be a forward thinking midfield including Johnson, Donovan, and Rolfe, but they’re pretty damn ineffectual. They’re a sieve on defense, and pretty much give the ball straight away going forward. Claudio Reyna will be missed, especially if Mastroeni is to be his replacement.
- Jaqua is a target player that doesn’t play with his back to goal, so can’t quite figure his inclusion over Kenny Cooper.
- Did Bobby Boswell ever win that bachelor contest? Anyone?
- Is that Slazenger golf-ball commercial a little too intense for anyone else’s taste? “Made to be pounded?” The only thing in golf that fits that description is Tiger’s wife.
I hope we see Sacha Kljestan in the second half. He looks like “Todd” from Wedding Crashers.
46:00 - Justin Mapp is on, and I’m actually excited to see how fantastic/poorly he does. I really feel there’s going to be no inbetween for this guy.
50:00 - Eddie Johnson is really struggling. Poor technique, poor decisions, poor everything.
52:00 - Pablo Mastroeni earns a yellow card for a tackle from behind, indicating he learned absolutely nothing from his Italian debacle last summer.
57:00 - In a single run, Justin Mapp earns a permanent spot on this team. He looked unAmerican doing it…and that is a total compliment. With the ball glued to his left foot, Mapp split two Danish defenders and delivered a cherry of a slotted pass. Fantastic.
59:00 - It was Bornstein who put it in, and my man-crush is in full bloom.
64:00 - Albright and Johnson are off and must now consider themselves fringe players from here on out. Any credit gained as members of a World Cup squad must now be considered spent.
68:00 - Conrad is “too good for the Nowegian league,” but not, apparently, too good to let Danish B-team payers consistently win head-balls in the box over him.
73:00 - Rolfe has had a busy half, and though I can’t imagine him becoming a regular, he does look good over the ball. I can’t help but think if this were an actual game, all things being equal, Donovan would’ve been taken off already. If he wasn’t in crisis before, he officially is after today.
78:00 - Holy crap, Donovan is talking about comfort again. Has nobody mentioned to him that he sounds like a complete and utter douchesack? Does his wife not say, “I love you, honey, but enough already with your public quest for personal comfort.”? The kid needs an intervention.
80:00 - Kenny Cooper is sprung by a threaded, Heath Pearce through-ball and finishes it soundly. He then removes his shirt in a (successful) bid to be known as “the white Marlon Harewood.” He’s a man-child, people, and I love it.
84:28 - I can’t wait to go out in Little Denmark tonite and rub some Danish faces in this victory. What? LA has no Little Denmark. Fine, I’m going to IHOP to do the same.
88:00 - Can we get Beckerman and Poulsen to stand left to right, giving us a virtual Henrik Larsson timeline?
Full Time - Eat it, Viking spawn.
Good performances from a number of the new guys, particularly Bornstein and Mapp. Donovan continues his slide, while Albright and Johnson have both made an excellent case for not being involved . Bradley, meanwhile, becomes the only undefeated USMNT coach in the history of the game.
We’ll reconvene this nonsense for the Mexico game on February 7. Until then…
Bobby Boswell and Jimmy Conrad as the two centerbacks?…could be trouble.
I love it, Bruce Arena commentating…can’t wait for the negative vibe. Already killing Landon 1 minute into the game…
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:06 pm
Competition between Eric and Bruce as to who knows the Danish coach better..hahhaha..
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:08 pm
Jaa-qua…nice pronunciation Bruce.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:11 pm
Albright…cut your hair…douche-rocket
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:12 pm
Eddie Johnson is a dad?…wow…we’re in trouble.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:14 pm
Are they going to keep repeating themselves the whole game? Yes, we know, you think the key is to get width…enough said, move on…
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:24 pm
Who is Donovan trying to play the ball too?? Missed the guy by 25 yards and then hits a cross out of bounds for a throw in….niner!
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:26 pm
Reis hasn’t figured out how to hit a goal kick to the midline?..wtf??
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:29 pm
Apparently, Califf is an important fixture to his Danish club team as he’s one of the only European players to be released by his club for this match so he can sit on the sideline……..
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:31 pm
Albright sucks…seriously, what is this guy doing on the field??
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:38 pm
Why is it that I have a hard time agreeing with anything Bruce and Wynalda say? DO I just see the game that differently??
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:40 pm
Just after Arena comments on how all the backs have been solid thus far they allow a ball to be served in with no pressure and follow that with even worse defending on the header.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:42 pm
“We… We… We…”
I’m sorry, Bruce, you lost the right to refer to the MNT as ‘we’ when they fired you.
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 6:44 pm
Albright stinks, Conrad is average, Boswell is average, and Bornstein is young and inexperienced.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:45 pm
First comment I made (see above), we’re in trouble with Conrad and Boswell as our 2 centerbacks…sure enough, no pressure by Albright out wide and terrible defending by Conrad on the header.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:47 pm
Rob Stone, no one really cares how many minutes Landon has gone without a goal….
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:48 pm
Yes, Bruce knows a great deal about ‘home cooking’…
Nice shirt grab, but the kid goes down on his own.
And the PK? “NO! YES!”
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 6:49 pm
What a painful f’ing half of soccer…holy bananas.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:51 pm
And the crowd actually applauded the half-time whistle.
(b/c it certainly wasn’t for the effort)
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 6:53 pm
Why do I torture myself by watching this shit?
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:55 pm
Coffee is necessary in order to stay awake for the second half…maybe I need to start watching womens soccer again.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 6:57 pm
Good work, gentlemen. If my son doesn’t die while I ignore his every plea for attention, we may have to make this a tradition.
Comment by garth — January 20, 2007 @ 7:02 pm
Actually wouldn’t mind pounding Natalie Gulbis…hot little golfer.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:06 pm
Justin Mapp in…another great hairdo.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:08 pm
Does Bruce not have a Danish lineup card in front of him???
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:11 pm
Another comment by Bruce referencing Pablo’s tackle and how he, if anyone, should know to not tackle from behind….once again re-living his days in Europe this summer.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:16 pm
Tough distribution out of the back - Boswell, if it doesn’t work once go the other way.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:19 pm
Great creativity by Mapp…looks like he’s going to be fantastic today.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:22 pm
Sorry, I got distracted learning about Leeroy Jenkins.
A sad commentary on the game.
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 7:23 pm
Relax on Bornstein, I’d like to see him try and defend a serious wide-mid player. I will admit though, he’s played the best out of all the backs.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:26 pm
Who couldn’t make the game b/c “he had a wedding?”
I wonder if it was HIS wedding, or just a reception he didn’t want to miss.
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 7:35 pm
Captain Conrad is not the answer at centerback, he’s NOT too good for the Danish league, and he should be eat up the playing time while he’s getting it. As soon as the European guys come into the team he’ll be lucky to be sitting on the bench…..
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:37 pm
Heath Pearce…another Portland Pilot representing..
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:38 pm
Bruce Arena’ sounds like John Malkovich in Knockaround Guys.
Comment by Andrew — January 20, 2007 @ 7:40 pm
Could Namoff play any slower? There is NO place for him on this team and that’s apparent after 2 minutes on the field.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:40 pm
Cooper…nice finish, big guy..
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:43 pm
Wynalda,Arena,Stone……Shut the fuck up! Your endless trivial babble is in-fucking_furiating. SHUT UP. Let the game breathe…man. You have spotters, you have a roster cards, you at least know who the hell the US players are. Just tell us who has the frigin ball…simple. No mas.
Comment by grandeagle — January 20, 2007 @ 7:46 pm
Assist to Heath Pearce, not Bornstein…seriously though I’m starting to question your sexuality.
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:48 pm
Beckerman think he’s a rasta?
Comment by LG — January 20, 2007 @ 7:50 pm
After a great morning of EPL, this is like watching a pick up game outside of a special ed school. Good finish by Cooper, but the keeper might as well have been coming out at him in a wheelchair, with the rest of the Danes jogging behind him.
I don’t think I will watch this stuff again until Donovan gets dropped. No other athlete in the history of sports infuriates me as much as him.
Comment by Tom — January 20, 2007 @ 7:52 pm
So, a US victory AND a still-breathing baby boy?
Comment by Scott — January 20, 2007 @ 8:01 pm
I also love how Donovan took that spot kick like it was a fucking world cup final.
You are playing a Danish B squad at the Home Depot Center pal…get a grip.
Comment by Tom — January 20, 2007 @ 8:02 pm
I didn’t watch the whole match, but I’ll have to second grandeagle - why are there multiple people doing color and no one doing play-by-play? I wonder if that’s intentional, or if one of those idiots is supposed to be doing pbp but their inflated sense of importance precludes them from doing so. No wonder I usually mute US games.
Comment by jobicoppola — January 20, 2007 @ 11:06 pm
Yeah, it was less commentating and more “here’s what three dudes think about this game and other related topics.”
Comment by Stuartdowningpints — January 21, 2007 @ 12:11 am
So, Mapp and Bornstein looked serviceable and LD continued his slide. Cooper didn’t play long enough to show me anything–other than his pasty-buffness. Anybody take away any other positives?
Comment by wink — January 22, 2007 @ 11:29 am
[...] The Denmark liveblog went down pretty much as expected: I poked at the keyboard, made some jokes about Arena’s man-boobs, and found the action in the comments section to be twice as entertaining. God willing, we’ll all make it happen again tomorrow. [...]
Pingback by soccernista.com » Un liveblog, por favor. — February 6, 2007 @ 3:42 pm
[...] We have a real treat today. The commenter hitherto known as “Nordy” will take on liveblogging duties for the US-Ecuador match. Since I liveblog about as well as Greg Lalas’ cat, this will likely constitute a vast improvement over past efforts. [...]
Pingback by soccernista.com » US-Ecuador Liveblog — March 25, 2007 @ 2:05 am