December 14 – 2006

When Congress changed the cafeteria menu to read “Freedom Fries,” we thought it was absurd. When folks turned out in the streets to dump French wine down the gutter, we thought it was ridiculous. When talk of “Boycott France” surfaced, we thought it was stupid.

But darned if we’re not beginning to worry about our beret wearing, handlebar moustachioed friends from Frog-land.

On the heels of the stomach churning events taking place in Paris, we get this: a French video game mock-up titled Football Sniper. Of course we don’t take these things too seriously, but geez…is that really necessary? Right down to the crowd shots of girls fighting back the urge to puke, we think probabaly not.
But judge for yourself.

December 13 – 2006

Wayne Rooney risks life and limb to watch the ever so awful New York Knicks play.

Courtesy Deadspin: The Big Lead has gotten ahold of Landon Donovan and Bianca Kajlich’s wedding registry. Somebody must have already gotten them the his/her lace panty set.

So where is Faustino Asprilla now? Could he be washing dirty drug-money for Columbian cartels?

Can a “Hail of Gunfire” be a positive thing? Yes, if you live in Iraq.

December 12 – 2007

Ever since the beginning of the Roman Era, we’ve become accustomed to focusing our hate on Chelsea FC. Sure, we still dislike the Arsenals, Liverpools, and Tottenhams of the world, but our hate-o-meter only truly spikes for the Blues.

This monopoly on hatred has had some unintended consequences. We, like other Chelsea haters, have found ourselves in the unfamiliar position of supporting ManU in their latest title quest. Sure, we know our support for the Mancs is really just an extension of our hate for The Special One, Didier the Diver, and Ricardo Shitvalho, but still…rooting for the Red Devils? It just doesn’t sit well.

We miss hating United, and feel the time has come to reallocate some of the poison. Thankfully, Manchester United have offered up two excellent reasons to hate them today:

1. Alex Ferguson acknowledged the unlikely support of other-than-Chelsea fans, saying, “The neutrals do want us to win… It will take me a long time to get used to that but I am working on it.”

Yes, Sir Alex, we hope you win it, but please don’t mistake this for affection. We actually hope you win the trophy, fall from atop the double-decker victory bus, and are crushed beneath its cruel wheels. You are but a blunt object with which to break the hearts of Chelsea fans everywhere. So please stop “working on it.”

2. The Manchester United Opus, with a cost of nearly $6000, was released today. Some specs:

• Dimensions: 52cm x 52cm
• Leather Bound – By hand
• Over 800 pages, 2,000 images, and 400,000 words
• Hand-stitched Printed on 200gsm silk-coated paper
• Handmade, wood and silk, clam-shell box
• Weighs over 34kg Each copy is personally signed by Sir Alex Ferguson and Sir Bobby Charlton
• Includes a zip-locked baggie containing an actual, Gary Neville turd.

The last of those specs might not be entirely accurate, but maybe Opus should have gone the extra mile and made it happen.

December 11 – 2006

That was quite a match yesterday. Be sure and check out David Hirshey’s take on Deadspin. Hirshey has been insufferable as of late due to his unyielding Arsenal bias (his chin smells like old, french balls), but he’s at his best when writing about the gooners, so give it a read.

December 11 – 2006

Some years ago, while watching a Roma-Inter match on what was then Fox Sports World, we were treated to a classic bit of Max Bretos “commentary.” Hidetoshi Nakata had played poorly through the first 80 minutes of play. As the game entered its final moments, however, Nakata began making an impact. His probing passes started to find their mark and the match looked like it would turn under his expert distribution. Bretos, digging deep into his bag of tricks, came up with this: “Nakata’s balls are heating up.”

Usually, this is as edgy as it gets on the family-friendly airwaves of FSC…unless, that is, you happened to tune in to last week’s Fox Football Fone-In.

For the uninitiated, Fox Football Fone-In pairs Chelsea supporter Steven Cohen with the homeliest Liverpool supporter alive, Nick Geber. The format is “call-in” but the calls are merely a jumping off point for Cohen and Geber to harass each other about their beloved clubs. The two will trade verbal barbs while Cohen gets increasingly agitated and Geber looks for a comfortable escape. Eventually Geber surrenders and Cohen looks exceedingly pleased with himself. Repeat.

But during one such exchange last week, Cohen escalated the rhetoric. While discussing the fortunes of English clubs in European competition, Cohen declared that Liverpool supporters were guilty of “causing the worst two disasters in English football history.” Later he remarked, “there’s a disgusting side of Liverpool’s history that I’ll be happy to talk about.” Cohen, of course, was referring to the Heysel and Hillsborough disasters.

Every serious fan of the game should familiarize themselves with the details of both incidents (here and here), but in the interest of time:

• Heysel: During the 1985 European Cup final, Liverpool supporters repeatedly crossed a crowd barrier to attack Juventus fans. During one such surge, a retaining wall broke and 39 Italians were crushed to death. Liverpool was deemed responsible and English clubs were banned from Europe for a period of 5 years.
• Hilsborough: Poor policing, outdated stadia, and over-crowding led to the death of 96 fans, most of them Liverpool supporters, in 1989. In the course of a major government investigation, Liverpool was found not to be at fault.

Both incidents are as sore a subject in Merseyside as can be found, and Cohen’s foray into either showed a pretty serious disregard for football-fan etiquette (and makes Jon Stewart’s Hillsborough misstep look like good, clean fun). Within 24 hours, a Liverpool fan-site brought the story to the Kop and not too much later an online petition asking for Cohen’s removal cropped up. Days later, Cohen reportedly mentioned on his radio show that he had received email death-threats over the matter, and was planning to speak to the LAPD about the situation. To our knowledge, Cohen has stuck by his “I’m entitled to my opinion” defense and has refused to apologize.

So where do we stand on the matter? Somewhere to the left of “email death-threat,” and a bit to the right of “dump pint of lager on head.” Cohen was a douchebag before he flapped his lips about Liverpool’s troubled past and, sadly, his comments don’t come as a huge shock. He’s a small guy empowered by years of picking on Geber; add to that a couple of trophies bought by Roman Abromovich, and he’s become downright unbearable. His comments were reprehensible, but it’s easy to imagine they were made solely to needle Geber. Cohen might need some reminding that he actually has an audience, however small and pathetic it may be.

But does that mean we’ll sign the petition? Nope…because how would you like it if someone came to your place of work and tried to slap the dick out of your hand. Cohen’s days on the air are numbered, but not because he’s an insensitive prick: his days are numbered because one day Fox will realize that America doesn’t need “experts by accent” lecturing us about a game we grew up on. They’ll eventually hire Americans to talk to Americans about the American fan’s perspective.

Until then, Cohen should be forced to apologize on a tearful one-hour special hosted by Max Bretos and Jeremy St. Louis. Now that would make our balls heat up.

December 08 – 2006

7-6 might not sound like a great week, but remember: because there are three results (w-l-d) there are twice as many ways to lose when your wagering on soccer. Lukey the Czech’s bankroll received a modest boost off this performance to $131.24 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers). Let’s see how the Czech-man handles this weekend’s slate of Prem action, after the jump. (more…)

December 7 – 2006

Economics professor (and US Soccer head) Sunil Gulati is as qualified to hire a National Team coach as Alexi Lalas is to hire a chairman of the Federal Reserve. The collective hope was that Jurgen Klinsman would give Gulati a free pass and take the job, but then Klinsi went and said, “Neine.” Now Gulati is once again adrift: a nerd with a job and little idea how to do it.

We can help you, Sunil. Shake off the Klinsi loss, head to the podium, and set the following plan into motion.

• Hire Carlos Queiroz under the guise that it will be a 4 year position. Tell Queiroz, in no uncertain terms, that he is expected to build the finest US National Team ever assembled. Tell him this task should be completed by January 1st, 2010…then fire him on January 2nd.
• And hire Martin O’Neill.

“Creeping Calculators!” says Sunil. Stay with us, nerdy.

The idea the US needs the same coach for the next 4 years is quaint, but has no value. We are still a country in the mold of South Korea ‘02, or Australia ‘06: outsiders hoping to make a deep run into the tournament, beating better quality teams along the way. Traditionally, these teams find success with Dutch coaches with a flair for organization and tactical schemes. O’neill is every bit the tactician as the Dutch, minus the funny accent. In a few short weeks, he managed to turn David O’Leary’s Villa-clusterhump into a serious, serious Prem side. He’s the type of coach who could string together 4-5 results in a row with any team.

In the meantime, the US needs a development expert like Andy Van der Meyde needs liquor. Queiroz had a hand in Portugal’s “golden generation,” which included names like Luis Figo and Rui Costa. He currently lends his development skills to Manchester United, a club which have a record of ushering wunderkinds into stardom. Queiroz would deliver the best possible players over the next 3 years, at which point O’Neill would organize them into the most effective team.

In other words, the Portuguese grows the crops, and the Irishman boils the stew. Our finders fee is 3%, Sunil, and don’t you dare try to pay us off in MLS tickets.

Update: Bob Bradley is to be named interim coach. We like us some Bob Bradley, so this’ll do…for now.

December 5 – 2006

The goal UCSB students tossed into the Pacific has become a minor celebrity. Check the video courtesy KEYT Santa Barbara.

And one more for y’all.

December 5 – 2006

What do you get for the Sheikh who has everything? Liverpool Football Club, of course.

The Maktoum family, rulers of Dubai and owners of Dubai International Capital (DIC), are reported to be floating an LFC takeover bid worth nearly $900million. Purchase of the club, clearing of outstanding debts, and a new stadium would be included in the deal (no word yet on the cost of installing slip-proof flooring in the media room).

The Liverpool board has been unanimously positive about the approaches, and it’s easy to see why: the Maktoums are longtime fans of LFC and possess some of the deepest pockets on the planet. They’ve been given exclusivity on the deal, and all indications are that the takeover is inevitable. The question is, what will a Sheikh ruled Reds look like? For clues, we can look to a sport which routinely gobbles up our disposable income and generally makes us feel like our soul needs a shower: horseracing.

The Maktoum family are the founders, owners, and managers of one of the most powerful racing stables in the world, Godolphin Racing. Named after the famed horse who gave rise to the modern thoroughbred, Godolphin has put its unlimited capital to work buying up premier yearlings, two year-olds, and stud prospects from all corners of the globe. The results have been impressive, but less so than the spending might merit (see Chelsea, Champions League). Above all, Godolphin wants to win the Kentucky Derby, a race they have found little success in.

Throughout their exploits, Godolphin has gone to great lengths to do it “the Godolophin Way.” They employ a Dubai native as head trainer, keep horses at their Dubai facilities over the winter, and insist on starting young horses at tracks in Dubai. If they are to succeed, the Sheiks want everyone to know it is because they have found a better way of playing the game.

Will they approach the managing of LFC with the same do-it-yourself mentality? It’s not ridiculous to assume they would. Early reports indicate that Sameer Al Ansari, chief executive of DIC, would replace Liverpool chairman David Moores once the deal goes through. The position gives the Maktoums a firm hold on all purse-strings, and makes transfer decisions a matter for the Sheiks and Rafa Benitez to sort out together. Furthermore, Dubai is already a favored vacation destination for players, and a pre-season camp/tour in Dubai would be a near certainty. From player acquisitions to holidays on the beach, the Maktoums may decide to make Liverpool they’re own personal toy on par with Godolphin.

That, or the Sheiks will forego freezing their balls off at Anfield, preferring instead to hand the keys over to the board and Benitez. To this end, it’s equally possible the acquisition of LFC is aimed at merely fueling the Sheikh’s ambitions to enhance Dubai’s global appeal. The club, along with Ski Dubai Mall and the world’s tallest building, might simply be another high-priced status symbol aimed at making the Middle Eastern nation a household name.

In the end, the changes at Liverpool may be less dramatic than those that followed the foreign investment at Chelsea. The Maktoums won’t spend like they’ve just discovered capitalism, and they’ll likely look to prove the have a better eye for horseflesh talent than their fellow foreign Prem owners. Still, it may be beyond the Maktoums to resist adding a little sand to the Scouse mud at Anfield.

At any rate, we’d pay to see Peter Crouch in a Dishdasha.

December 4 – 2006

There was a time when the NCAA championship was the keystone of American soccer. The finest players in the country sucked the marrow out of their 4 years of eligibility and dreamed of getting to a Final Four.

Though you could argue the quality of play is better than ever, college soccer is now a bit of an afterthought. Project 40 (er, Generation Adidas) gobbles up young talents before they can enlist in communications classes, and National Team players with actual alma maters are increasingly rare.

That said, the American soccer landscape is of little import when you’re standing on the sidelines, brown-bagging a forty of Pabst. And this is why the college fan is still the gold-standard for American soccer supporters. Their penchant for heckling, willingness to transpose football rivalries, and comfort with public intoxication makes them the closest thing we’ve got to world-class supporters.

Not that the UCSB student body had time to ponder the matter while carrying a goal through campus (first clip) and throwing it into the Pacific ocean (2nd clip).