Plan B

December 7 – 2006

Economics professor (and US Soccer head) Sunil Gulati is as qualified to hire a National Team coach as Alexi Lalas is to hire a chairman of the Federal Reserve. The collective hope was that Jurgen Klinsman would give Gulati a free pass and take the job, but then Klinsi went and said, “Neine.” Now Gulati is once again adrift: a nerd with a job and little idea how to do it.

We can help you, Sunil. Shake off the Klinsi loss, head to the podium, and set the following plan into motion.

• Hire Carlos Queiroz under the guise that it will be a 4 year position. Tell Queiroz, in no uncertain terms, that he is expected to build the finest US National Team ever assembled. Tell him this task should be completed by January 1st, 2010…then fire him on January 2nd.
• And hire Martin O’Neill.

“Creeping Calculators!” says Sunil. Stay with us, nerdy.

The idea the US needs the same coach for the next 4 years is quaint, but has no value. We are still a country in the mold of South Korea ‘02, or Australia ‘06: outsiders hoping to make a deep run into the tournament, beating better quality teams along the way. Traditionally, these teams find success with Dutch coaches with a flair for organization and tactical schemes. O’neill is every bit the tactician as the Dutch, minus the funny accent. In a few short weeks, he managed to turn David O’Leary’s Villa-clusterhump into a serious, serious Prem side. He’s the type of coach who could string together 4-5 results in a row with any team.

In the meantime, the US needs a development expert like Andy Van der Meyde needs liquor. Queiroz had a hand in Portugal’s “golden generation,” which included names like Luis Figo and Rui Costa. He currently lends his development skills to Manchester United, a club which have a record of ushering wunderkinds into stardom. Queiroz would deliver the best possible players over the next 3 years, at which point O’Neill would organize them into the most effective team.

In other words, the Portuguese grows the crops, and the Irishman boils the stew. Our finders fee is 3%, Sunil, and don’t you dare try to pay us off in MLS tickets.

Update: Bob Bradley is to be named interim coach. We like us some Bob Bradley, so this’ll do…for now.