After 170 years of waiting

November 13- 2006

In the interest of full disclosure: we’ve taken a rather cynical stance on Major League Soccer. We’ve mocked their chosen savior, belittled the playoff structure, and railed against the absence of relegation. Our dirty little secret, though, is that we occasionally enjoy the matches. When Bruce Arena took the handoff from Dave O’Brien, turned slowly to address the camera, and proceeded to read a prepared statement in the style of some effeminate zombie, we knew MLS Cup ‘06 was upon us. And we were excited.

Highlights of the game can be found here, and our thoughts, randomly assorted though they may be, can be found after the jump.

• No HD signal? If we’re going to risk being bored to tears by an essentially meaningless match, we at least want to see every pockmark on Arena’s battered mug.
• We’ve been long time admirers of Shalrie Joseph, an enormously reliable midfield anchor who is good in the tackle and keeps the game refreshingly simple. In the playoffs we’d grown particularly fond of the protective wrap on his hand, if only because it made him look like he had a lobster claw for an appendage. Then we learned the protective wrap housed a laceration injury HE PICKED UP IN A BAR. Shalrie Joseph is now our favorite MLS player.
• For all Twellman’s finishing prowess, Pat Noonan plays a mean withdrawn forward. He holds the ball well and, once turned, delivers passes that frequently turn defenders around. Were Twellman more dynamic in his movement, the duo would do a lot of damage.
• The bearded Brian Mullan looks like the bearded Steve Corell in Little Miss Sunshine.
• When Clint Dempsey checked into the game, you could hear MLS execs high-fiving: their marketing vehicle would play in the final after all. But all his touches were too clever by half, and we worry that his 3 month long forced presence in the league may have soured his form. The proof will be in the pudding of his European debut.
• Today’s key questions are “Who wins the wings?” (Wynalda) and “Who’s the link?” (Arena). Our question is “What the fuck are you idiots talking about?”
• We can’t stand Brandi Chastain. We can’t tell whether it’s the forced femininity, the 8th grade hair, or the 10-year milking of the shirtless celebration that gets us. We only know we hate her.
• Our stance against homophobia prevents us from labeling the halftime show “gay.” However, if we were homophobic, we would have found the musical stylings of “Under the Influence of Giants” to be, in a word, gay. So very, very gay.
• Despite all the fuss over an impending Dempsey transfer, Dwayne De Rosario might prove the better signing. In the final he was the most dangerous player on the field, and midtable teams will surely be looking his way.
• Paul Dalglish? We demand a paternity test.
• Arena, in reference to Serioux and De Rosario: “You people at home, you want to see vertical positioning of the midfielders.” Actual, Bruce, we’d like to see you admit publicly to the vast amount you don’t know about the game. Making shit up like “vertical positioning” is a cry for help. Ease your pain and confess.