November 29 – 2006

What’s the first thing we learned in Underground Internet Soccer Journalism School? Always follow racist hooligan death posts with something about puppies. Keeps the karma balanced.

This particular puppy-piece involves Chelsea’s Joe Cole and his newborn Bulldogs. In it, we learn…

• Joe Cole has an accent which allows him a choice between two occupations: professional footballer or chimney sweep.
• Taking care of puppies is “hard, but not overly hard,” when your new wife does most of the work.
• John Terry can’t handle Cole’s status as “Top Fisherman at Chelsea” and may even be resorting to “camera trickery.”

November 29 – 2006

For those who missed it, a quick recap of last week’s events in Paris:

• Paris Saint Germain met Hapoel Tel Aviv in a midweek UEFA Cup match.
• Throughout the match, PSG supporters taunted the 3000 or so Hapoel supporters with chants of “PLO,” “Hezbollah,” and “Down with Israel.” Fascist salutes were also seen.
• Hapoel Tel Aviv jumped out to a shocking 2-0 lead. PSG leveled at 2-2. Tel Aviv killed the giant, 4-2.
• The match ends. Hapoel supporters are held in the stadium for an hour and a half past the final whistle. Once released, they are met by PSG supporter groups shouting “Heil Hitler,” “Jews to the Gas Chamber,” and “Le Pen for President.”
• A large group of PSG fans spot Yaniv Hazut wearing a Hapoel scarf, and begin to chase him.
• A black undercover policeman steps in to protect Hazut, and the mob responds with chants of “filthy black.” They begin to beat the policeman, who pulls a gun and fires. Sadly, only one member of the mob is killed.

Though most media outlets are phrasing the issue as “France has a hooligan problem,” it seems like now would be a good time to address the larger issue: France is a stinking cesspool of racism. The simple fact a mob can mix support for a legitimate presidential candidate with chants of “filthy black,” and not be logically inconsistent, spells trouble for your country. Add this to the apparent ease with which French politicians question the ethnic makeup of Les Bleus, and hooliganism starts to look like the least of France’s problems.

Which is not to discount the hooligans themselves: these guys are bat-shit crazy. We did some searching and learned that many PSG supporters’ groups (collectively called Boulogne Boys) actively fashion themselves after 1980s English firms. Often they’re intertwined with skinhead groups. Plus they record their hooligan endeavors, run them through a French to English translating program, and post the unintentionally hilarious results on their homepage, pariscasuals.com. Observe the following account of pre-match activities in Bordeaux.

The wintry coolness obliges all the Parisians to join the pubs, a manager invites them to elect his establishment as cave of the capital for the weekend. The observed atmosphere is overheated, the motivation in its highlight, Boulogne is going to bang.

Regrettably the spirits of Bordeaux lauding the clean fight go off the rails, the telescopic sticks are released, a Parisian falls on the forehead (these tools are generally the own of cops). A Parisian thinking of a police intervention flees places on around thirty metres those are followed by approximately thirty five lads of Bordeaux, at the middle-redskins the middle ultras, which find suddenly an appearance of courage.

If the medieval poetry leaves you with a flimsy impression, maybe video of a PSG fan trying to headbutt his way through a barrier will sort you out:

The racism/hooliganism situation in France is not good. Perhaps we’ve been living out our fantasies in the Prem too long, because we’re astonished a website like pariscasuals.com even exists. The mere fact it does indicates the French FA and the French government have been asleep at the wheel. No one should be shocked by last week’s death or the circumstances surrounding it. Hopefully, however, it will inspire action. Otherwise, it seems a French Heysel is only a matter of time.

November 27 – 2006

The Bush twins test the patience of their Secret Service handlers by attending a Boca Juniors match. Hey, aren’t they away fans?

George Best may be gone, but his genes keep on scoring.

Testimony continues in the Craig Bellamy trial. Police say Bellamy was a prick during questioning and accused the officers of being “jealous.” The victims, meanwhile, had been kicked out of the VIP room twice before Bellamy applied the alleged chokehold. Good times!

A mega-casino with attached stadium and football-themed hotel? Throw in some crab legs and peelers and we have ourselves a deal.

November 27 – 2006

We can’t imagine the stress levels experienced by fans of Chelsea or ManU on Sunday – we hate both those clubs, and still needed a post-match nap. Some random thoughts on the clash of the titans:

• Cristiano Ronaldo spent his summer charging aimlessly down flanks and crying when the runs amounted to squat. Somehow, between then and now, he’s solved his emotional difficulties and turned himself into a dead-ball striking phenomena. This pains us to say, but Ronaldo is a joy to watch.
• Even more painful to say: Ashley Cole dealt with everything Ronaldo threw at him, making a handful of remarkable tackles on the Portugeezer. Ashley Cole is good.
• But Sheva isn’t. Not since the Comedy Central-Dave Chapelle contract has so much money yielded so little product. We’re rooting for him, we really are, but the Ukrainian is a shadow of his former self. How long will Mourinho allow him to drift around aimlessly?
• And speaking of Mourinho, he gave Sir Alex a bottle of rather expensive Portuguese wine after the match. A nice touch, and we’ll see if Fergie returns the favor on the away leg. Let’s hope: Scottish wine is not all that good, and consists mostly of sheep urine.
• People who claim Michael Carrick needs to “do more” belong in the Marcelo Balboa Soccer-Moron Hall of Fame. If anchoring a midfield, spraying balls at-will, and never losing possession isn’t enough for you, then go watch the Mexican league. Back-heels and bicycles galore.
• Chelsea’s first off the bench was Dutch winger Arjen Robben. ManU’s first off the bench was Scottish wanker winger Darren Fletcher. Wayne Rooney points to this disparity as a Chelsea weakness. Perhaps, but look for ManU to find some middle-ground in the January window.

In the end, a draw was the right result. The two horse race has been solidified, and we can now look forward to months of nervous “3 points or nothing” games involving the Premiership leaders.

November 24 – 2006

How do you turn beach soccer, a game best played barefoot and with beer-coozy in hand, into a chair-hurling riot? Hold a Beach Soccer World Cup and invite Argentina, a nation teetering on the edge of soccer chaos.

Too bad the AFA’s ban on away fans doesn’t apply internationally…or to beaches.

November 24 – 2006

The trial of Liverpool’s $12million waste of space has begun, and the first day’s proceedings weren’t pretty: aspersions, contradictory testimony, and reopened breast-enhancement scars all made an appearance. Two wildly different versions of the nightclub incident arose along the way. First, the victim’s account, according to the BBC:

Ms Palmer, now 20, from Barry, near Cardiff, said she encountered Mr Bellamy as she walked along a corridor to the VIP bar with two friends on 5 February 2006.

“I began to walk through the gap and Craig Bellamy was walking in the other direction and he bumped into me. He was quite aggressive, he was just swaggering around,” she said.

“I turned around and said to him: ‘Excuse me why couldn’t you wait in that gap there?’”

She said Mr Bellamy swore at her, saying she was too fat to get around and called her a “slag”.

“I can’t remember if he pushed her or she pushed him first, but they both pushed each other,” she said, adding that the footballer proceeded to follow her. “He grabbed me with both hands around the neck and held me up against the wall and he was squeezing,” she said.

The victim suffered bruising of the neck and a reopening of a scar on her breast. Damning stuff. And now for Bellamy’s version:

Mr Bellamy said he had caught the eye of one of the women who asked “what he was looking at”. He said he replied: “If I was looking at anyone it would be those two behind you because they are far prettier.”

Mr Bellamy said the woman slapped him and he made a counter complaint to the police.

Yeah, and we have a good friend named Appomattox Courthouse. “Far prettier” is not something Craig Bellamy would say. “Way more fit than you fat slags” would be more like it, but “far prettier” is a nonstarter. We’re not saying the girls are telling the truth, but clearly Bellamy’s version is glossed up.

We’ll follow the story in the coming weeks, and bring you all the lurid updates.

November 22 – 2006

We’d mentioned the alarming escalation from coins to crossbow arrows, and now we get a first hand look at the offending object. Our favorite moment is when the referee, knowing another volley could come sailing in at any moment, refuses to run while carrying the pointed arrow. His mum would be proud.

November 21 – 2006

Last week, as the Beckham-MLS link started to look more and more plausible, Jen Chang of ESPN delivered an article evaluating the prospect of a Beckham signing (we, on the other hand, predicted it outright). His verdict? The deal makes sense from a financial standpoint, meshes nicely with Beckham’s goals, and therefore would likely go off without a hitch.

One particular Soccernista reader (who wishes to remain anonymous) didn’t feel like taking Chang at his word, and wanted to know the specifics of the financial “sense” behind a potential Beckham signing. The entertainingly testy email exchange is after the jump, and our commentary follows.

(NOTE: To our knowledge, that’s not a picture of the real Jen Chang…but given our standards for photo-journalism, it damn well might as be. It came up, after all, on a “Jen Chang” Google image search.)

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November 21 – 2006

Everton shirts peddle beer, while Middlesborough’s advertise a gambling site. Manchester United uniforms promote an insurance company, while Chelsea’s hawk electronics. And Real Salt Lake? How does a “next generation phytonutrient”/pyramid scheme sound?

Yes, the first company to sign on to MLS’s newly approved shirt sponsorship program is Xango, a drink made from the mangosteen fruit. And though “mangosteen” sounds like the last name of some tropical Hollywood agent, we assure you it is actually a fruit. We also assure you the name is the least strange thing about Xango.

For starters, Xango has had its share of legal issues, most relating to company claims that mangosteen is a pharmaceutical wonder agent. The FDA has gotten involved, firing off a warning letter detailing the false claims (which can be read here). Our favorite? Xango is “Anti-Parkinson, Anti-Alzheimer and other forms of dementia.”

To their credit, Xango toned down the rhetoric and went with a softer sell. From their website:

Xan?Go ? proper n. a fresh revelation of everything you?ve ever dreamed.

Everything we’ve ever dreamed? What about vast wealth? That too…because Xango isn’t just an anti-dimensia agent, it’s a Multi-level Marketing opportunity – a pyramid scheme. You can make money selling Xango, or enlist your friends to sell it for you. Ready for some hot MLS action yet?

Not so fast: first we need to get that pesky ethnic stereotype off the logo. Accordingly, the league has approved a design which would allow only “XANGO” to be printed on the RSL jerseys, sans rice-picker. Good move, as MLS surely wouldn’t want to offend the powerful Salt Lake City Asian community.

And so Utah, the spiritual home of the pyramid scheme, will have its MLS team pitching one for pay. Other sponsors have been slow in expressing interest across the league, so we can probably expect equally ridiculous enterprises in the near future. In the meantime, we suggest mixing yourself a Xango and Goose cocktail while enjoying the following promo .

November 19 – 2006

Traditionally, projectiles thrown from the grandstand are a South American specialty. Whether it be torches, smoke-bombs, or chunks of concrete, foreign objects lobbed from the terraces usually have a Latin origin.

But the Gringos are raising their game. Early missile launching efforts have been channeled into coin throwing, and the practice reached epidemic proportions in the first half of the month. First, Fulham’s Claus Jensen was pegged with hard currency in his side’s victory over Everton two weeks ago. The following day, Robin van Persie suffered the same indignity at Upton Park. Then, earlier this week, the fourth official working the Newport-Swansea FA Cup tie had an artery split by a tossed coin.

England truly one-upped the South Americans yesterday, however, when (no joke) a crossbow bolt interrupted a non-league match in Stockport. The bolt measured almost 2 feet in length and sailed by an outside back on its way to plunging into the turf. The match was promptly abandoned, and the search for the perps is on. England 1 – South America 0.

(UPDATE: Video of the Newport incident can be found here.)