October 31 - 2006

You know what else is wrong with the MLS playoffs? They’re too damn exciting. Seriously.

The final moments of this past weekend’s MLS games were just a bit too action packed. Two of the matches devolved into chaos after the whistle, and one sparked a full fledged riot. All were clearly charged to the breaking point, with players literally risking everything to extend their seasons. And therein lies the problem: can the league really expect to maintain civility when 6 months of meaningless games are shoved through a win-or-go-home bottleneck in the dying moments of a single match? The result reminded me of one of those downhill cheese races for money.

Create single, inorganic home-and-away games with winner take all, and the shit is guaranteed to fly. True to form, Pablo Mastroeni and the Rapids went on an obscene gesture binge after the final whistle, cementing their position as the league’s standard-bearers for post-match debauchery. This eventually sparked a truly ridiculous display by Dallas keeper Dario Silva, leaving the moral high-ground glaringly empty. In Houston, it was an outrageous tackle in the dying seconds that sparked a relatively mild fisticuffs. No one went quietly into the night.

Don Garber, we’re sure, regards this level of passion as validation for his playoff scheme. But we wonder: might diffusing that passion throughout the season make for an overall more exciting, better attended league? Indeed, ditching the playoffs and channeling the incendiary playoff atmosphere into a slow burn that lasts an entire campaign could benefit everyone involved. That, and psychotherapy for Mastroeni.

Because in the end, these matches were exciting mostly in a Brazilian Segundo league sort of way: sure, someone might score an amazing goal, but it’s just as likely someone will punch a mascot.

October 30 - 2006

Before the World Cup, we made known our concerns regarding Landon Donovan and his apparent obsession with comfort. Our fears were confirmed when Landocrap let loose a string of unbelievably bad performances, and we pretty much eliminated the guy from our consciousness. But now he’s back, and he’s more comfortable than ever.

We invite you to take an MTV Cribs tour into the oh-so comfortable belly of the beast, after the jump.

(more…)

October 29 - 2006

Last week, we mentioned the putrid story of Serbian fans who were arrested for racially abusing their own player. Now we have video, and we can say this: the republics of the former Yugoslavia never met a racist symbol they wouldn’t co-opt.

Ku Klux Klan hoods? Nazi salutes? Confederate flags? Don’t these bastards have any homegrown emblems of intolerance? And now that the Ku Klux Klan/Nazi fusion thing has been done, where do they go from here? Dress in Little Black Sambo costumes? Wave copies of Uncle Remus? Jimmy the Greek posters?

In all seriousness, FIFA needs to get off its ass. Every time a black player travels behind the former Iron Curtain, monkey noises rain down and Nazism rears its ugly head. Point deductions seem to be the only deterrent, and the domestic leagues deal them all too infrequently. The five match UEFA ban that arose over the Benni McCarthy incident was an appropriate punishment for player to player racism, but when an entire stadium section gets devoted to swastika formation, or racist costume parties, the national teams need to pay. That, at least, might save us from the indignity of having our sport played in front of a “South Will Rise Again” banner.

October 27 - 2006

No words, just respect for the stealthy, arced run combined with the shuffle-sprint. Perfect execution. Rising applause. Tears in his eyes, we guess.

October 27 - 2006

Last week, a miscalculation of Lukey the Czech’s profit set off a firestorm of emails, phone calls, and text-messages…from Lukey the Czech. We’re not ones to stand in the way of a Bavarian and his Koruny, so we now bring you the revised numbers: Lukey is ahead $112.78 (based on $5 and $10 mythical wagers).

Let’s see if he really is back to his winning ways, after the jump. (more…)

October 27 - 2006

You’ll recall, in our bit on the BBC bung documentary, we referred to the following Harry Redknapp quote:

?I like Toddy, don?t I? No I?d take him. I would take him. I would take him without a doubt.?

Every news outlet on the planet ran this quote and described its context as being a casual, hotel lobby meeting where Redknapp pisses on the established rules of the game. The Pompey manager, we are led to believe, is hunting down agents to “tap them up” and grease through a deal.

But then we saw the video. (more…)

October 26 - 2006

Apparently, the “youth movement” promised by the MLS never materialized: most of the league’s top performers were 20 years old at the founding of the league.

For all their good qualities, Germans have established a pattern of suspect decision making in regards to hero worship. Moritz Volz is doing nothing to change this perception.

You should get a discount when using these bills for drinking, gambling, or cigarettes.

If you can put up with sentences like “We were, however, strangers getting to know each other through our shared experience, and it is somewhere within those shared words that a nascent muse embeds within, creating something much more important to me than that of the definition of the transcription,” then you might enjoy this interview with SI’s Grant Wahl (courtesy jobicoppola).

October 26 - 2006

Go ahead: send us some huddled masses. If you’re willing to work hard we invite you to become part of this great nation of immigrants. We’ll chip in for health care, education, and public services. Hell, we’ll even offer you ATM machines featuring your native language, just to make bank transactions that much easier. And what do we ask in return? Two things:

• Bring some of the most excellent examples of your native cuisine with you,
• and know that your offspring belong to us.

Fair enough?

This habit of American-born-and-raised children of immmigrants jumping at the chance to play for the national teams of their parents’ country of origin is starting to rub us the wrong way. In fact, it’s bringing out our inner Lou Dobbs.

We have a message for players like Giuseppe Rossi and Sonny Guadarrama: Screw you. If our shitty schools, low-wage job opportunities, and disastrous healthcare system were enough to have your parents crawling under fences, then our 3rd-rate national team is good enough for you. Otherwise, we might just introduce your family to our little friends deportation, illegal detention, and suspension of habeas corpus.

In a post 9/11 world, we can’t afford to have the children of immigrants playing for other countries. You’re either with us or against us. Stay the course.

We gotta’ stop watching Fox News.

October 25 - 2006

If you’re among the growing number of souls who feel South American football is one jalapeno away from total chaos, this video won’t do anything to change your opinion. Straight from the Ecudaorian league, we give you the truly ridiculous sight of two balls in play at once.

NOTE: Two balls or one ball, that’s some piss-poor defending at the back-post.

October 25 - 2006

We’ll wait until the midway point of the season to fully evaluate our Premiership Predictions, but we think we can close the book on one prophecy: the sack race. We thought for sure Glenn Roeder of Newcastle would see pink first. But today’s note of support and retroactive blame by Newcastle majority shareholder, Sir John Hall, seems to indicate a lifeline. Simultaneously, the remarkably bad form exhibited by our beloved West Ham means we have a new leader. His name is Alan Pardew.

How do you go from having one hand on an FA Cup to one hand on an unemployment check? Add one part Stevie G bombarino, two parts Argentinian transfer bust, and two parts takeover fiasco. Oh, and a dash of eight successive defeats doesn’t hurt. And just for good measure, make the eighth loss a nosedive to a team sitting 15th place in League One. That’s how.

In the end, the “transfer heard ’round the world” could turn out to be the poison pill that sinks the Hammers. The Argentinians have been worse than useless, and the takeover talks that came with them served only to distract. Just today, Javier Mascherano revealed that his management company, MSI, are in total control of his career. This is seedy stuff, even by East London standards.

Certainly, West Ham will be looking forward to the January transfer window in order to offload players, but that won’t come soon enough. Pardew will go because there’s nothing else that can be done. Eight matches without a win is disgusting; eight matches without so much as a point is the Scottish toilet scene from Trainspotting. The sack race could end as early as today, and we’ll be 0 for 1 on our Prem predictions. Not exactly 0 for 8, but a bad start nonetheless.