Jumping Ship, and Penguins

September 26 – 2006

Jumping Ship
For a good many fantasy players, last week was decision time: do you stay on the Henry and/or Lampard train despite the slow start, or do you pull the emergency brake and offload the pricey stars before it gets any worse? God help you if you chose the latter. Henry was involved in all three of Arsenal’s goals, and Lamps was back to his old self with a dominating performance at Craven Cottage. The fantasy Gods are some cruel mofos.

Mountainous Men
Last week, a collision between the ultra-durable goalkeeper Shay Given and West Ham’s Marlon Harewood left Given with what doctors described as, “Injuries consistent with what we see in car wrecks.” A torn bowel, to be exact.
Given shouldn’t feel bad: Harewood is a mountain of footballing flesh, and we would have placed him second on the list of players “Most Likely to Cause a Goalkeeper to Leak Poo Into His Own Body Cavity.” The first? Watford’s Danny Shittu; a man as large as any we’ve ever seen on a soccer field.

Flightless Birds

There’s no way to introduce this clip but to simply state the obvious: it’s 1 minute and 19 seconds of a video game match between Sporting Lisbon…and a team of giant penguins.

Some observations:

-What at first appears to be a team of penguins, is actually a team of humans wearing penguin suits (note the zippers). We can’t decide whether this makes more sense, or less. Probably less.

-Take note of the two Sporting Lisbon players commiserating after the penguin goal. What could they possibly be saying to one another? What do you say to a teammate after falling behind 1-nil to guys in penguin suits?

-And as if this weren’t strange enough already, we get a replay with the “watermelon ball” streaming rainbow trails. Though I can’t speak for them, I’m assuming this is the kind of shit terrorists hate us for.