The Yin and Yang of WAGs

Consider the following proof:

13 year old boys want to marry pop-stars, models, and actresses. Pop-stars, models and actresses want to marry Premiership footballers, actors, and rock-stars. Premiership footballers are 13 year-old boys trapped in men’s bodies. Ergo, premiership footballers will marry pop-stars, models, and actresses.

Sounds like yet another example of natural selection, doesn’t it? But the all too familiar corollary is this: Pop-stars, models, and actresses often belong in the loony-bin. Girls that are the stuff of boyhood fantasy are seemingly prone to mental instability, emotional volatility, and illegitimate pregnancies. One look at the Premiership WAGS confirms this unfortunate fact, and cautions us all to be very, very careful what we wish for. Today, Soccernista takes a look at the yin and yang of the typical Prem WAG.

Cheryl Cole (Wife of Chelsea back, Ashley Cole)
The Yin: Clearly, Cheryl is shit-hot gorgeous. She was a classically trained ballerina at the elite Royal Ballerina School, and won the British talent competition Popstars to secure a place in the band “Girls Aloud.” Horrible double entendre aside, “Girls Aloud” consistently rates among the UK’s favorite bands. During the World Cup, Cheryl was quick to distance herself from other WAGS, reminding the press that she was, indeed, a self-made woman.

The Yang: In early 2003, Tweedy was in a London nightclub drinking her face off. On the way out of the bathroom she clocked a bathroom attendant and, ostensibly because the attendant was black, screamed, “You black bitch!” Tweeds was convicted of causing bodily harm, fined, and given community service. She then noted that some her best friends (band mate Javine Hilton) were black. Classy.

Merche Romero (Girlfriend of Manchester United midfielder, Cristiano Ronaldo)
The Yin: Merche Romero is a onetime actress who currently hosts a Portuguese Morning show. At 30 years old, she is 10 years Ronaldo’s senior. We would assume this advanced age brings with it wisdom and perspective, as Romero frequently participates in charity and good will activities. She is generally well regarded, and certainly beautiful, but….

The Yang: SHE HAS A 14 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER. Yes, Cristiano Ronaldo is closer in age to Merche jr. than he is Merche sr. We would never relegate single mothers to the dating bench, but the teen pregnancy + “I was born in the ’80s and so was my girlfriends daughter” aspect has to worry Cristiano. Are none of these goods undamaged?

Abigail Clancy (Girlfriend of Liverpool striker, Peter Crouch)
The Yin: Abi is a singer turned model. She began her run as a member of the girl-band “Genie Queen,” and recently appeared on the reality series, “Britain’s Next Top Model.”

The Yang: Apparently she likes to ski. Photos of her on the slopes surfaced during the 2006 World Cup, and Crouchy promptly sent her packing. The tabloids seized on the story and Crouch chose to issue a press release emphasizing the finality of their break-up. Recently, however, the pair have been seen together all over Liverpool and things seem to be back on for Sniffy and Beanpole. Old habits die hard, we guess.

Alex Curran (Girlfriend of Liverpool midfielder, Stephen Gerrard)
The Yin: Alex is the mother of Stevie G’s two daughters, Lillie-Ella and Lexie. She also writes a weekly fashion column for the Daily Mirror and is considered a UK trend-setter.

The Yang: What’s with these girls and nightclub punch-ups? Curran is currently under police review for allegedly striking a fellow reveler in the face with a bottle. Some reports suggest the weapon of choice was a designer handbag, a fact which may render the offense both less serious and more fashionable.

Danielle Lloyd (Girlfriend of West Ham striker, Teddy Sheringham)
The Yin: Danielle was this year’s Miss Great Britain. 40 year-old Teddy has been dating the beauty queen turned model for several months.

The Yang: Miss GB is dumber than a rock. In an online version of the UK quiz show, Test the Nation, Danielle let loose a flurry of raw stupidity. Question: “Who was Winston Churchill - a rapper, US President, the Prime Minister, or the King?” Answer: “Wasn’t he the first black president of America? There’s a statue of him near me - that’s black.” Yikes.

Elen Rives (Girlfriend of Chelsea midfielder, Frank Lampard) The Yin: Rives is a Spanish beauty and one of the WAG ringleaders. She and Lamps met in a Spanish tavern while Chelsea were on holiday. Says Frank, “She was very different to other girls I had known in Essex. I never dreamt I would end up with a Spanish girl.” The two are engaged to be married next spring.

The Yang: How’s this for a headline: “Top WAG’s Secret Marriage to Dirt-Poor Jordanian.” We’re pretty sure that’s on the list of top 10 things you don’t want to learn about your fiance. But I guess that makes Frankie right about one thing: there probably aren’t any Essex girls married to impoverished Jordanians.