September 28 - 2006

Fire-Crotches
When an alien race of the future mines our cultural past, it will be the international sporting event mascots that confirm their suspicions: we’re morons. Yesterday, the red-headed twin mascots for Euro 2008 were unveiled, and this in the same week as the five freaks of the Beijing ‘08 Olympics greeted the world. The Euro twins have no name as yet, and fans are being asked to vote for one of the following: Zagi and Zigi, Flitz and Blitz, or Trix and Flix. In addition to this list, may we suggest the write-in candidates, Shit and Shite.

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September 26 - 2006

Jumping Ship
For a good many fantasy players, last week was decision time: do you stay on the Henry and/or Lampard train despite the slow start, or do you pull the emergency brake and offload the pricey stars before it gets any worse? God help you if you chose the latter. Henry was involved in all three of Arsenal’s goals, and Lamps was back to his old self with a dominating performance at Craven Cottage. The fantasy Gods are some cruel mofos. (more…)

Consider the following proof:

13 year old boys want to marry pop-stars, models, and actresses. Pop-stars, models and actresses want to marry Premiership footballers, actors, and rock-stars. Premiership footballers are 13 year-old boys trapped in men’s bodies. Ergo, premiership footballers will marry pop-stars, models, and actresses.

Sounds like yet another example of natural selection, doesn’t it? But the all too familiar corollary is this: Pop-stars, models, and actresses often belong in the loony-bin. Girls that are the stuff of boyhood fantasy are seemingly prone to mental instability, emotional volatility, and illegitimate pregnancies. One look at the Premiership WAGS confirms this unfortunate fact, and cautions us all to be very, very careful what we wish for. Today, Soccernista takes a look at the yin and yang of the typical Prem WAG.

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Needing a Win
Remember the halcyon days of the World Cup? Lukey the Czech was as automatic as a US National Team loss. Through 63 games (”Screw you, 3rd place game”) he amassed a massive $213 profit (based on $10 mythical wages). All seemed right with the world, and Soccernista had found its gambling messiah.Fast forward to today. Prospects for peace in the Middle East have stalled, and Lukey the Czech is hemorrhaging losses. His war-chest has shrunk to $124.35 and, last week, the poor guy even resorted to throwing his beloved Arsenal under the bus (to no avail). He’s still far, far ahead. But how long will we have to wait for the second coming? Perhaps until the NFL wraps up in January?

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Lewser

Between the tights, the shanks, and Eddie Lewis, Leeds won’t be coming up any time soon.

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September 20 - 2006

That headline is two typos away from Sam Allardyce having his prostate massaged. Last bung-pun, we promise.

Soccernet has, for two weeks now, succeeded in never once using a synonym for “bung,” proving they really are unaware that people in America might be reading. So here it is: a “bung” is a payment made outside agreed terms, less like a bribe and more like a tip. A bung might be paid to a manager bringing in a player, or letting one go. It is the grease that makes a transfer happen. And it is clearly against the rules.

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September 18 - 2006

We at Soccernista count Jimmy Bullard among the reasons we love the game of soccer. In addition to being a quality player, he seems to embody most of what we find right about the game.

This past summer, Jimmy made the transfer from Wigan to Fulham. After just a handful of games with his new club, Jimmy established himself as a Craven Cottage faithful. His free kick goal against Sheffield United in Week 2 was tremendous, and his shot that splattered against the cross-bar (in the same game) was somehow even better (both can be seen here). In general, Bullard’s infectious enthusiasm for the game had, er, infected the London club.

But Jimmy will not be pulling on his FFC jersey in the foreseeable future: he ran into some serious bodily harm earlier this week a la Newcastle’s Scott Parker. The collision left Bullard with a dislocated knee and untold ligament damage, and he is currently in the United States visiting renowned knee specialist, Richard Steadman. The footage is also on the interwebtube, but we won’t be posting it because it’s just too gruesome. Suffice to say: Jimmy’s down.

If any good came of this, it’s that we headed over to YouTube (the likely cause of our eventual unemployment) and searched for some Bullard material. We found some classic Jimmy moments: Jimmy being Jimmy in a goal-mouth pile-up, Jimmy being Jimmy after Duncan Ferguson punched Paul Scherner, and Jimmy being Jimmy on Sky Sports. The real gem, though, was buried deep in the belly of the YouTube beast. Soccernista now gives you Jimmy being Jimmy, naked in a laundry cart, with underwear on his head, leading his former Wigan teammates in battle-chant, and finally crashing into the JJB locker room wall. Enjoy:

Get well soon, Jimmy. Your new team needs you on Saturdays and, by the looks of it, every other day as well.

September 10 - 2006

This years’ installment of the “Rocky Mountain Cup” ended in chaos as owner Dave Checketts went in for some close-talking with Pablo Mastroeni after the match. Checketts, angered by the shirtless Mastroeni’s taunting of RSL fans, had to be separated from the Rapid midfielder by Clint Mathis. NOTE: When a man that calls himself “Cletus” is the one providing moral clarity, the situation has come undone.

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September 5 - 2006

The signing of Tevez and Mascherano by West Ham is the most shocking transfer in memory. As a Hammer supporter, I can say the news was met with rapturous glee, involuntary fist pumping and, finally, an extended period of “How the f*ck did that happen?”
How the f*ck indeed.

West Ham carry with them a debt of around $40m, but their combined assets put them around $50m into the black. Despite this positive valuation, the East End club are in no position to bring in two Argentinean World Cup stars by traditional means. In other words, West Ham did not represent the highest bidder in the race to sign Tevez and Mascherano. So how then, pray tell, did the Hammers get them?

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As the second half of the MLS year gets underway, the battle for the championship is heating up. Twelve teams sit within striking distance of the MLS Cup, and it’s anyone’s guess who will win the title. Sure, DC United top their division with a Chelsea-like lead, but with help from a truly asinine play-off system, Real Salt Lake could just as easily take home the silverware. Not since the heyday of the Soviet auto industry has parity been so high and competition been so low.

That twelve teams play from April to October in order to qualify for an eight team tournament is absurd. The teams who don’t qualify will simply take an early vacation, returning the next spring to prepare for another 6 months of barely meaningful activity. Remaining teams will brave severe weather for a chance to play in the hallowed grounds of something called Pizza Hut Park. Bring on the confetti cannons.
Is their not, for the love of Stalin, another way?

Of course there is, but it just happens to be the third-rail in American Soccer. Mention the big “R” and you will literally see league executives and owners freak out. Middle-aged men in poorly tailored suits and embroidered polos begin to fall apart before your eyes. Caught in the headlights between the possibility of losing their money and the prospect of doing what’s right for American soccer, they will fall back on the mantra of MLS: “Remember what happened to the NASL.”

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