The Five Step Program

Nationwide, the symptoms of World Cup withdrawal have taken hold. Alcohol consumption is down, productivity at work is up, and relationships are recovering. Fans are feeling empty, wondering what to do with the extra 4-6 hours in the day. They need a fix, and they need it fast.

The search for an adequate World Cup substitute, a soccer methadone of sorts, began the day after the final. Those awaiting the Spanish league kick-off will be biting their nails until August 17. Premiership fans will wait until August 19th. And Serie A faithful, if any are left, will hold off until the last week in August.

But there’s another way.

We Americans are one of a few populations to have at our disposal a domestic league that runs through the summer months. In fact, the damn thing is running right now.

If you’re not currently one of the 382 MLS fans in the US, that means you have not yet been seduced by the “Embrace the Colors” campaign. Watch the commercial here, then resume reading.
What, not an MLS fan yet? How can you deny the face paint? The kick-ass spoken word poetry? You, my friend, are a tough nut to crack.

In its forming, MLS had counted on young people who grew up playing the game to become die-hard fans; then they did everything in their power to alienate these folks. With crap team names, a single entity ownership system, no relegation, stifling salary caps, and gimmick players, the MLS has achieved the status of an American soccer league that fails to attract American soccer fans. For most serious soccer devotees, there may seem like no way past these obstacles.

Until now.

Soccernista.com submits for your approval a fail-safe, five-step program for achieving MLS fandom. If followed to the letter, you will find yourself uncomfortably addicted to a league you currently rank below Magnum P.I. in watchability. Your summers will never again be soccer deprived, and you might just find the MLS deserves your attention, repect, and prescious TIVO time. Let’s begin:

Step One: Take out an atlas and locate the nearest MLS squad.
Congratulations: this is your new favorite team! Before you embrace the colors, you have to have some colors, and geographic proximity is as good a reason as any.

Step Two: Deposit $100 into an online sports book.
As every male between the age of 21 and 50 knows, a little action makes even the Westminster Dog Show feel like the Super Bowl. Couldn’t care less about your new team? Put $10 on this weekend’s game, and proceed to disappoint your significant other with a childlike display of partisanship. You’ll be calling players by their first names, cursing referees, and threatening to do damage to personal property, simply because you stand to make a few bucks on the result. The seeds of MLS fandom (not to mention a potentially life-ruining gambling addiction) have been planted.

Step Three: Perform a small act of hooliganism.
Mild excitement breeds mild violence, and by now you’re mildly excited by your new team. Find a friend you can comfortably handle in a wrestling match, and ask him/her, “What team do you support?” They will respond with some reasonable reply like “Arsenal,” or “Barca.” This should be met with a “Wrong answer!” and a mild beating (Indian burns, noogies, wedgies, etc.). You might be surprised by how good it feels to physically intimidate in the name of a soccer team, even if that team is called “The Rapids.”

Step Four: Purchase an HDTV.
We never said this process would be cheap. As any HDTV owner knows, everything is better in High Definition. In fact, I sometimes find myself watching truly unwatchable programs (this morning it was a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert) purely because the picture is in HD. When the World Cup came to a close, soccer in HD became a one-horse-town with the weekly MLS game on HDNet being the lone ranger. The difference really is significant, and you will quickly find yourself rearranging schedules to catch the Saturday night MLS eye-fest. When the picture is so clear you can see every soldier in Landon Donovan’s retreating hair-line, embracing the colors becomes that much easier.

Step Five: Embrace the colors in person.
The quality of MLS matches will shock you when witnessed first hand. Player speed is high, the tackles are tough, and most games are played in wide-open fashion. Is it the English Premier League? No, but since when is Anfield within driving distance? MLS teams feature some of the US’s finest players, and this talent is best experienced at the stadium. To boot, concession stands have circumvented the two-beer-per-person rule by pouring 22 ounces into each cup. This is a good thing, as the “colors of MLS” are easier to embrace through beer goggles.

Follow up: By the end of the five-step program, you’ve chosen a team, tied your hard earned money to their fortunes, performed an act of hooliganism in their name, and viewed them in high definition. Your trip to the stadium solidified your status as a fan. And though you might not be trading in your favorite European club jersey for the Wizards away strip any time soon, those long, soccerless summer months will be ever so much easier to deal with.

Now, where was my face paint?