The Soccernista World Cup Awards
The Manure Ball
Given to the worst player in the 2006 World Cup.
And the award goes to: Eddie Lewis of the United States, who looked like he had won a Federation fan raffle for a place on the team. Within the first 10 minutes of the Czech game, Eddie realized he was in way over his head. He then proceeded to do an excellent impression of a terrified forest animal for the remainder of the Cup.
Honorable Mention: Heldar Postiga of Portugal.
The Steve Sampson Award
Given to the Worst Coach in the 2006 World Cup
And the award goes to: Sven Goran Eriksson of England.
With his midfield-by-committee approach, Sven led the most talented England team ever into a cesspool of boring performances. The apparently star-struck Swede seemed unwilling to assign roles, make wholesale changes, or bench underperforming stars. Come to think of it, he could manage Brazil next.
Honorable Mention: Carlos Parreira of Brazil.
The Where Have You Been All My Life Award
Given to the player who best made a name for himself during the 2006 World Cup.
And the award goes to: Stephen Appiah of Ghana. Currently plying his trade in Turkey, Appiah distinguished himself as a powerful force in the midfield. Though he played well throughout the tournament, he showed even better once out of suspended Michael Essien’s shadow. Look for Appiah to make a big money move in the near future.
Honorable Mention: Franck Riberry of France.
The Greg Louganis Award
Given to the worst diver of the 2006 World Cup.
And the award goes to: Christiano Ronaldo of Portugal. In a tough category, Ronaldo and his larger than life neck came through by virtue of sheer commitment. Nearly every one of his endless, purposeless dribbling runs ended in a flop, and his Spread-Eagle sprawl against France had to be the worst in the tournament.
Honorable Mention: Thierry Henry of France.
The Buddy Ryan Award
Given to the most ridiculous sideline behavior by a coach.
And the award goes to: Bruce Arena of the United States. I have word from a friend who watched all the US games in a Czech pub that the mere sight of Arena on-screen caused spectators to erupt in laughter. Indeed, his melodramatic “how could this be happening” routine was old by the 20th minute of the first game, yet continued for another 250 minutes. And though it probably can’t be considered “behavior,” his status as the fattest coach in the Cup didn’t hurt him in pursuit of “The Ryan.”
Honorable Mention: Luiz Felipe Scolari of Portugal and his water-bottle kicking, tantrum throwing antics.
The Golden Mane Award
Given to the player with the worst hair in the 2006 World Cup.
And the Award goes to: Manuel Loco of Angola. Foregoing the mane, Loco decided to affix a comb to his forehead. Irony? Perhaps, but mostly just a bad idea.
Honorable Mention: Christian Wilhemsson of Sweden and his rat tail.
The Joe Theisman Award
Given to the worst commentator in the World Cup
And the award goes to: Marcelo Balboa of ABC and ESPN. Having hair like Balboa’s hints at problems beyond simply poor taste in grooming. This is a grown man with hair straight out of a Vidal-Sassoon advertisement. Are no other adults counseling this individual? Has he no friends that might say: “Gee, Marcelo, you look like an idiot.” The result of such latitude in one’s personal life is that a falsely constructed confidence carries over into places where it doesn’t belong…like, the broadcasting booth. We’ve seen the results: endless nonsense, meaningless crap, egotistical self-referencing. Nice work, ass-hat.
Honorable Mention: JP, John, and Dave.
The Roy Keane on a Bad Day Award
Given for the worst tackle in the 2006 World Cup
And the award goes to: Khalid Boulahrouz of Holland. Christiano Ronaldo needed to be plucked, but not in the dangerous fashion employed by Mr. Boulahrouz. The studs to the thigh opened up a gash and should have resulted in a red-card and suspension.
Honorable Mention: Jorge Nuno Valente of Portugal’s shoulder high studding of Arjen Robben.
The Roy Keane on a Good Day Award
Given for the best tackle in the 2006 World Cup
And the award goes to: Fabio Cannavaro of Italy. His stop on the frighteningly quick Miroslav Klose was a masterpiece of defending. Looking like he already knew how the confrontation would end, Cannavaro cut the space between he and Klose and erected a wall through which no man and ball could pass.
Honorable Mention: Haminu Draman of Ghana on Claudio Reyna.
The Suck and Cut Award
Given for the worst innovation in the 2006 World Cup
And the award goes to: the 5-4-1 formation. All the rage, the single striker look is a vastly complicated scheme that many teams (England, US, Portugal) had no business playing, but did. The single striker role can only be given to shoulders wide enough to carry it; Mark Viduka, Luca Toni, and Jan Koller to name a few (believe it or not, Brian McBride does not fit the bill). Let’s hope teams that play it well keep it, and those that don’t, fire their ignorant coaches.
Honorable Mention: The indecipherable FIFA ticketing system.
And a shotgun of Bests and Worsts:
Best Game: Argentina-Mexico
Worst Game: England-Paraguay
Best Tie: Sweden-T&T
Best Goal: Maxi Rodriguez’s wonder volley against Mexico.
Worst Goal: Cristian Zaccardo’s technical malfunction versus the US.
Best Fans: South Korea continue to lead the way in maniacal support.
Worst Fans: Brazil fandom has been poisoned by hangers-on and part-timers.
Best Striker: Miroslav Klose of Germany
Best Old-School Strike-Duo: Carlos Tenorio and Augustin Delgado of Ecuador
Best Outside-back: Gianluca Zambrotta of Italy
Best Center-back: Fabio Cannavaro of Italy, with props given to Lilian Thuram of France.
Best Center-mid: Misseur Head-butt, with props to Andrea Pirlo of Italy
Best True Flank Player: Young-Pyo Lee of South Korea
Hardest Worker: Carlos Tevez of Argentina
Least Hardest Worker: DeMarcus Beasley of the US, with props to Ronaldo of Brazil.
Did we miss anything? Drop us a line and we’ll add it.